To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

He's playing you like a fiddle. Manipulating you with his threats.

If he is too anxious to work, then he can't be also too anxious to do housework or parent. Pick one! Very convenient to only be able to go to the gym and be too anxious for any useful contribution.

I don't think you have mentioned if he is getting any treatment for his poor MH?

I am sympathetic up to a point because I have had periods of my life where I have been at leisure and not been very productive (summer holidays during my studies) but that wasn't forever and it's the unilateral decision to never work again that is making me feel upset along with the fact that I think he's becoming more selfish and isolated.

I keep thinking back to my previous job before I was pregnant when he was working. I wanted to drop down to 4 days a week because I hated it so much and would still be bringing in twice his salary on 4 days, but he pressured me to carry on full time even though I found it soul-destroying.

I think he thinks because I can earn so much more it's my duty to work as many hours as I can and he downplays what he can do, but he doesn't have any grasp of the personal allowance and marginal tax rates even though I have tried to explain so many times.

I just don't like who he's become/becoming I guess

I sympathise but can offer no solution only an assurance that you aren't a)alone or b) unreasonable. My DP hasn't worked for a couple of years. He applies for jobs but only jobs that are or are similar to what he has done before. He has always been extremely well paid and has expectations about job and salary. We don't have children so that's not a concern but he does absolutely nothing in the house. And I mean nothing. If I'm working away from home it's quite usual for me to arrive home twelve hours after I left and the washing up to still be in the sink and him to say oh what's for dinner. He will very occasionally mow the lawn but that's it garden wise. He drinks a lot and I'm getting really pissed off paying for his wine. Not quite sure why that pisses me off more than me cleaning the house while he lies in bed but it does. I may be being stereotypical but I genuinely believe that a woman in his position would be working really hard in the house and being creative about applying for jobs.

Sorry but he sounds awful. Really lazy, full of excuses, taking zero responsibility. Shit at housework, parenting, socialising, and finding a job. He's all problems and no solutions.

I wonder what your sex life is like because I can't imagine being attracted to someone with such a lack of drive.

I don't think you have mentioned if he is getting any treatment for his poor MH?

No. He doesn't believe it will help and says it's not worth trying.

He spends a lot of time ruminating on a couple of friends who have died many years ago (we are talking 20-30 years ago) and again I'm sympathetic up to a point but it doesn't seem right for it to dominate his life to the extent that it does. He says he has got by this far without help but if his coping mechanism is exercising excessively that's not a sustainable way to live.

I wonder what your sex life is like because I can't imagine being attracted to someone with such a lack of drive.

He's very attentive but only interested in the mornings, which is the time of day I am most tired and least interested. So it's not ideal but I am still content.

It's everything else that is just frustrating me.

Oh OP, I am so sorry, your update makes me so angry for you. You are not going to be able to have a reasonable discussion with him because he has made a very nice life for himself. The MH stuff is a red herring, and an excuse not to take any responsibility for himself. Stop trying to come up with solutions and fixes for him or trying to make him understand your viewpoint - he will never listen to them and will actually just use them to stoke his feeling of victimhood. Focus on your bottom line (jobs done properly, house and garden in reasonable shape, not having to take leave because he refuses to parent for more than a few hours, not just dumping child in front of a screen) and focus discussions on them. Please think about your own needs and those of your child. Couples counselling may help, but I doubt he will want to go because why would he want to change his nice life? I feel you deserve so much better than this. Dont let him drag you under.

*I don't think you have mentioned if he is getting any treatment for his poor MH?

No. He doesn't believe it will help and says it's not worth trying.*

Translation - I dont want to change anything because I like them how they are. I trot out MH and grief for my long dead friends to get you off my back.

He says it's not worth him getting a job because of childcare in school holidays. I keep pointing out that he doesn't do that much childcare in the school holidays and DS would be more stimulated in a holiday club for half a day.

So he’s using his child as leverage. That alone would remove any respect for him if he was my partner.

Dog walking or someone’s PT, easy life shove child in front of iPad. I SAHM - all pick ups, cook, housework , washing, dog, carer for my father . I’ve just joined a gym to get 25% off my child’s swimming lessons so effectively swim for £4 a month on the saving plus I need to do something for me. Parenting is 95% plus I support and paperwork my husband. It’s busy, I’m lucky but I have our children (5 and 18 months 24/7) and everything is in addition to rather instead of.

But you said that you gave to look after dc du try ing holidays as he’s unable to.

Anywsy, thats given you a an perfect opener . Basically, he gas the summer to get his his together, and start applying jobs, with a start date being September. It can take that long to apply, have interviews etc.

He’s also using emotional blackmail to control the situation. He’s a clever manipulator . Don’t fall for it.

Think, do you u want to be in the same position this time year, or even in six months time. If not, get that anger out again.

OP FWIW a few years ago I found myself in a similar situation. We had shared childcare at home since DC were born. My ex left his job due to a job change that hadn't suited him, 'couldn't' apply for jobs as 'they were all too far' and he 'didn't like' the companies with workplaces nearer. We went to couples counselling. He said a few things which made me realise he was simply incompetent and relying on me to prop him up. He was exercising obsessively. He claimed terrible anxiety. When I left him, miraculously, he took a full time job many miles away and still commutes there to this day! I have no idea whether he is still suffering with MH and thank god I don't really need to. It sounds like he is playing you because he can. You are being tolerant. I was for a time... but once I've snapped I can't go back... thank goodness. I had lost all respect for him.

Yanbu, but he needs to recognise that he has challenges with anxiety and he will need help with those as it's nit just for him, it's for his family.
It's a long road to feeling better from anxiety, for instance, it takes 3 weeks for the meds to kick in and you feel worse before you feel better. Waiting lists for any talking therapy etc are months, but if it's been 5 years, another 6 months won't hurt. Perhaps he'll be more open to getting some help if there is no short term expectation on him to be a better functioning member of the family?

He needs to get to therapy fast OP. He is clearly not well and his reactions are not proportionate.
Can you set an ultimatum for him to access some help? That at least?

Does he bollocks have problems with anxiety!

he’s a selfish prick. Sticking earphones in when he’s supposed to be parenting?! Really?!

“too nervous” to have a phone interview but fine to do 3+ hours of exercise and none of the school
runs.

he is a fucking deadbeat, this post has really riled me up you are being taken for an absolute fool. He needs to get off his arse and get a job, or get out.

OP he has an absolute fool made of you.
He thinks you are the family workhorse and he couldn't care less the cost to you.
Proof of that is your last job.
Can you really not see that?
He's not daft, he knows how to pressurise you to kill yourself working in a job so he continues to do nothing.
The only person he cares about is himself and he has some mug made out of you.
This is your life until you want it to be different.
I would expect some health drama now from him to punish you for daring to question his need to only think of himself.
How you can find such an utter user/loser attractive is a astounding.
Put your child into summer camps so you have proof he does nothing for him, and divorce him.

I do worry about his mental health. He was having shaking panic attacks this morning after I said again that he should get a job last night. He's sleeping downstairs tonight so I don't know what he's like. He would probably kill himself if he were to divorce but I just want him to get out of this current harmful routine.

He’s manipulating you. Whether he’s actively conscious of it or not.

You need to get angry.

I’d leave now, as half your pension now is a lot less than half your pension in ten years time

he is a manipulative lazy man child and you are his mummy

Oh, as per your update, he has self diagnosed imself with anxiety and refuses to see a doctor? How very convenient. And he's also curing himself with exercise? Even more convenient.

I would leave a partner who claimed to have an illness but refused to get any help or meds.

I got so angry I couldn't read it all I'm afraid. I couldn't stay with someone like this. I really really couldn't. He can't even pick up children from school because he's so busy exercising? That is pure entitlement on his part.

He's full of shit. He needs to get to the doctors ASAP. Then even part time work just doing something.
Parenting with headphones on. Ffs. No, he's a Cocklodger.

It will only get worse - i am ten years down the track with much the same issues and have various friends with the same. My DP used to do all his exercise during weekends and evenings as well just to make sure i had no free time. And he always wants to talk to me when i have had 12 hours of talking!!
SAHP whatever gender should be a joint agreed decisions otherwise resentment builds.
He needs to agree a plan to get back to work

1. if he has anxiety he needs to go to the doctors and get meds ( i personally think its anxiety at getting back to work because he hasn't worked in so long)
2. if he doesn't know what he wants to do - he can get career advice
3. if he needs to retrain he needs to commit to it

But the key think is he needs to really commit to it- can you see a counsellor at all to talk it through

In the meantime- sign DS up to activities that DH has to take him to (scouts often need scout leaders..) get parents lock on the ipad and forget to give him details

You should get counselling for yourself at the very minimum. Because your belief/fear that his mental health is your responsibility is holding you - and your DC - back.

Would you pay for a nanny or childcarer who put your DC on the iPad instead of engaging them, who wore headphones whilst in their presence, and who left all the difficult work to you? If not, why is this different? Get counselling for yourself and a safe space to work it through, away from him.

Unless your child has lots of medical appointments, your really don’t need a SAHP for a school aged child. Ours is 10. I work 3 days a week and do most of the household stuff.

Your H sounds horrible.

Not to mention that in 10 years he’ll be 60, and OP only 46, and a judge will see the length of time left before retirement to be disadvantageous to the H.