To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

Oh my God. I really have to ask OP, where is your anger? He is manipulating you. Your whole fight, everything he said to you was solid gold manipulation. Plus his "panic attack" this morning, which was clearly designed to a) punish you and b) keep you from daring to suggest he works again. He is not engaging with you in good faith. He is not engaging with you as an adult or a partner. He doesn't give a shit about you. Or your child. Only himself.

That he has the nerve to say that he's too anxious to work or parent or do housework to a decent standard but that he doesn't need treatment is unbelievable. He can't have it both ways. Also I am prepared to bet a very, very large sum that if his gravy train aka you fucked off and he were looking down the barrel of a life on benefits and an actual assessment of his mental health, he'd regain the ability to work with unbelievable speed. Don't let him give you that "you want me to work at Sainsbury's" shit. Fuck yeah you want him to work at Sainsbury's. Or Tesco, or the local pub, or wherever. I have a well paid, highly skilled job, and if I lost it I would of course look for another one, but if time went by and it was clear the jobs weren't there, fuck yeah I'd be stacking shelves and pulling pints, because some money is better than no money and work is much better than no work. Stop letting him change the subject from how shit he is to how mean you are. Be "mean" (you're not). Own it.

I have to agree that you should get some counselling for yourself, because the fact that you have tolerated this and seem to feel some responsibility for his mental health is... surprising. But you are right, let's say his mental health issues are legitimate - in that case the absolute worst thing for him is to continue in this routine and you're doing him no favours bankrolling him.

I think since you've explained more it seems he is suited to working on his own without being surrounded by other people or worse, customers. It would be hard to find that. Is that right ?

I think you should worry less about your husband's mental health and more about your own.

I think since you've explained more it seems he is suited to working on his own without being surrounded by other people or worse, customers. It would be hard to find that. Is that right?

No he used to work in an office with others and all his friends are from that work. I think an office job would be good where he can have the usual chit chat and drinks after work if possible.

He moans all his friends are too busy to see him often but they all retrained and are busy with their new jobs.

This is one of the things I am finding so frustrating - he is becoming so detached from what ordinary pressures people are under and tells me he is so worried about how he will fit everything in if I ever ask him to do one of the school pickups (one way) on a day when he was otherwise just planning to exercise and do the shopping (we live ~10 minutes' walk for a large supermarket).

Op think about it like this. At 50 and right now he is probably in the best position to actually find a job, get himself sorted out and contribute to the family.

Fast forward 5 years, he's older and less likely to find something after being out of work for 10 years, no skills acquired in the mean time. Your ds is now 10 and much more independent and would definitely be doing clubs and with friends much more - so the childcare does reduce a lot. What contribution is he going to make then? Oh and you would have 5 more years of resentment.

And then fast forward a further 5 years and your life has also passed you by whilst your ds has grown up and you are left with bitter resentment.

You are in the best position now to make some changes and leave. You have a secure and good salary, your ds is growing up and you are younger. Your MH also deserves priority. Honestly listening to music the entire day, 4-5 hours of exercise is just a joke. It's a luxury. He is taking awful advantage of you.

Please leave now while you can and sort the finances out now before you become responsible for him

He's the definition of a cocklodger.
Kick him out and find yourself again OP. He's using you. You need to get angry.

I hate the way that we women are socialised into accepting and making excuses for manchildren like your DH.

Plenty of people have anxiety and yet work, because we have to.

Exercising 4 hours a day is excessive and unnecessary. Middle aged male obsession with marathons as a way of performing masculinity is such a cliche. Trying to get you to listen to his music is something I'd expect from my teenage DS (and no, I don't comply, because music pumped out from a phone sounds tinny and horrible and also I strongly dislike 'drill rap'.). Wanting to talk gruesome true crime with you is proper incel behaviour.

The PP who found a solution in getting her DH to garden is nice but she's still essentially 'parenting' him. 'Keeping him busy'

In a functional relationship BOTH partners have to bring something REAL to the table. Doing the odd bit of part time parenting is not enough. if he's not wokring he should be running the household and parenting to a very high standard.

If he won't then something needs to change.

Don't just keep on keeping on OP. I had a partner like this until I broke. Don't let it get to that stage.

He could genuinely be having social anxiety preventing him from working. Most people don't have that to that degree. Also check with him that he doesn't feel it would be left to him to think about childcare and getting work around that

Does social anxiety prevent anyone from doing housework, childcare and school dropoffs? My god, the low bar for men in this world.

He can explain it any way he wants, but the bottom line is that he is not behaving as part of a couple/team. He is being incredibly selfish and considering only himself.

In short, he is sponging off you.

You are far more patient that I am! I absolutely would NOT be attracted to someone like that and would be issuing an ultimatum! Either they get a job (how about a TA in a primary school?? They're always desperate for make role models and that way he gets the school holidays off!) or he seeks medical help for his mental health if this is what is preventing him getting a job.

A job isn't just about earning money. By choosing to sponge off you he is disrespecting you.

@NameChaneAgain I had a feeling I would hit the nail on head re creative industries- I've seen it so many times. They always snag a partner like yourself lovely, intelligent and decent earners.

This may sound harsh but the facts are this, that at 50 in those industries, you are either very successful and very very good at what you do or uniquely talented and can go freelance and have a bunch of people already there who want to use your services for very good money , or you will be a middling plodder (and he was 45) earning decent money who they will want to replace with younger and cheaper people or AI etc will have 'taken' the job or in some cases that job is no longer needed due to technology or the fact the demand is much less (think guys working in live music on sound - far less venues etc)

I think he is going to have to think sideways and either get a mundane job totally out of that sphere and maybe gradually find a couple of nice side hustles that actually interest him - but you need to be motivated- OR he needs to completely retrain- why not look at Uni for September via clearing if you live close enough- find something that interests him and he will still get plenty of time for home plus the holidays OR look at apprenticeships for older people ( there are lots out there) - maybe something like digital marketing? It's still reasonably creative and in demand. In the meantime, tell him what jobs need doing and he puts 100% effort into childcare and home care or separation is on the cards- you are giving it 6 months - he isn't trying hard enough at all . He just is quite happy as he is and taking you for a mug- I guarantee if you separate he will be in a job of some sort within 6 weeks.

“and tells me he is so worried about how he will fit everything in if I ever ask him to do one of the school pickups (one way) on a day when he was otherwise just planning to exercise and do the shopping (we live ~10 minutes' walk for a large supermarket).”

wtf!

I hope you’re awakening how wrong this situation is. Don’t be blindsided into believing what he says. Start taking control and assert yourself.

Things have got to change! Hopefully this is the wake up call you need.

I know a couple of these guys. Invariably a ‘dream’ type creative career didn’t work out and the patches between work got bigger until one day…

four hours of exercise a day though, that’s fucked.

Mine works freelance sporadically, he earns fine but not heaps, and that’s fine. What wasn’t fine was a 50/50 expectation on running the house. What worked for me was not presenting it as money or chores but leisure - he seemed to get it immediately when I said that he has seven days a week for large parts of the year when he gets to choose what he does from the time he gets up til bedtime. I get two days on a good week and no days on a lot of weeks.

If it was me, and I loved him, I’d present it as expecting the house fully run while I work. Obviously I’ll do the dishes when I’m around, put the washing on, ‘help out’ but other than that it’s on him. OR he can get a job and reduce his own leisure time down, then you’ll do more. Personally I’m stoked to have a SAHP most of the year but if he’d chosen to work more I’d have sucked it up.

You will probably have to issue this as an either or choice and an ultimatum. And be prepared to follow through.

@Marrta
Like the way OP has to fit everything sprung her child and work? god forbid the poor wee man has to actually participate in family life.

He could still do the dream job at weekends and evenings - but yep reality is he needs a day job too

He's not doing the parenting, not doing the cleaning and spends most of his day exercising. You have enabled this laziness OP. I'd be getting a divorce.

Op reading your responses it sounds as though you’re a single mum of two with a teenager that helps where you’re unable to do something. If nothing changes you’re going to end up resenting your ‘DH’ and leaving anyway with you having to pay his way. I mean I started to resent him at the mouldy sheets part

Because almost invariably, SAHMs do all of the childcare, housework and life admin and also often have a part time job too. They certainly don’t spend all day exercising and listening to music!

Oh god no I couldn't tolerate this. Absolutely no issue if this had been agreed in the best interests of your family but that's not the case here. I would find it very hard to respect any partner who was not prepared to work.

I feel like he has some depression mixed with some regular old trying to get out of work by doing it wrong.
In this case, as long as he is actually exercising, then it is probably doing him some good as long as it does not seem like he is addicted to it.
Why doesn't he start a youtube channel or something? Guys who stay home and clean up get pretty good followings. Or maybe he can start freelancing using his current skills. Or volunteering.
But it sounds like he does need to see a doctor to speak about this stuff.
Also, if he damages the things you pay for just because he is trying to get out of stuff, time to start letting him replace those things.

😮

This is ridiculous. I used to clean a house, do 3 loads of washing and admin in my one day off. And do school run. Often run errands too

l also had medicated anxiety.

OP I think you need to be firmer with him, perhaps offer him an ultimatum regarding getting a job or the marriage is over. It’s unfair that he’s treating you like a cash cow and putting his own needs first. If I were you I’d be fucking furious if the house wasn’t spotless every night with my tea on the table!

I just came to the thread to say exactly what ShyCrab said above. It's clear from your updates that trying to talk to him reasonably about your feelings and encourage him to get a job isn't going to make him change. Your only option is to be firm and tell him that either things change and he makes an effort to sort out his MH and get a job/do more around the house or your marriage is over. I think he needs a shock. He will no doubt try to make you out to be the nasty one, as he seems to be stuck in seeing you as a mum, but be firm and don't be manipulated. You need to be clear that this can't go on. He is taking you for a ride. His MH may be genuine, but he's making no effort to understand how it's all affecting you, and that isn't okay or a healthy relationship,

and tells me he is so worried about how he will fit everything in if I ever ask him to do one of the school pickups (one way) on a day when he was otherwise just planning to exercise and do the shopping (we live ~10 minutes' walk for a large supermarket)

This is SO beyond pathetic. It's making my blood boil. Does he not realise most women these days manage drop offs, house work, being the primary parent, shopping AS WELL AS WORKING.
Honestly I don't even know how you can look at him, let alone share a bed.