To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

@NameChaneAgain

I would absolutely not be staying with this man. He is bringing nothing to your life He's a complete cocklodger, and a bone idle user. Some people will say, 'well, would you be saying the same if it was the woman at home/not working in a paid job?' But if it was the woman at home not working, she'd be doing 90%. of the domestic chores, the housework, the grunt work, the home admin, and the child care.

The trouble is when men are at home, they just sit on their arse all day doing absolutely nothing, dominating the T. V. and following the woman around like a shadow when she's there. It is a very rare man (who isn't in work,) who will actually get off his arse and do all the housework, childcare, shopping, home admin, and domestic chores. You need to get him out of your life - he is useless. I wouldn't tolerate this.

Sadly I don't think you will do anything about it.

I find a man who doesn't want to work deeply unattractive and unappealing. I come from a family where there are generations of men that were/are hard working, industrious, and ambitious, and I find a man that doesn't want to work 'just because he can't be arsed' extremely unattractive and repugnant. If my husband said that he's going to give up his job and CBA to work (when he was only 50,) that would be the end of the marriage.

He's actually 62 now. So at this point it wouldn't be so bad, cos he's near retirement anyway. But I would still want to know where he was going to get his money from for the next five years.

I see this as a kind of ecosystem where species specialise and it gets out of hand. One set likes caring (and does more and more caring) and one set likes being cared for (and happily acts like a child). In the absence of societal, cultural and legal influences, this specialisation becomes the norm. Hell, governments take advantage of it - look at all the middle aged women run ragged doting on elderly relatives who ‘need’ to stay at home and who don’t ‘need’ outside help. It doesn’t help that for tiktok and insta trends, young women doting on their boyfriends’ every whim seems to be ‘in’. I feel like women’s lib has gone backwards.

You are only 36! Do you really want this for the rest of your life?

You are limiting what you and your DC can do now and in the future by carrying this man. He has to get a job and pay his own expenses and half towards your DC or he needs to go.

I bet that as soon as you stop this gravy train he will be off.

This isn't love.

If his anxiety is too bad for him to do more than half a days parenting in the holidays and he’s not actively working on that with health professionals, not just indulging his exercise goals, then I’d think he can get to fuck. When he does parent he doesn’t do it well either- just sticking tv on so he can listen to his music , ie so he can NOT parent.
So here’s my take: here’s the thing Dh. your anxiety severely limits your ability to be a dad, a husband or part of this family. Instead of seeing a gp and working hard on it, you are leaning into it, using it is an excuse to be a shit dad who ignores his child so he can listen to his music, and blaming me for not helping you enough or refusing to talk about topics that upset me. I have to indulge you endlessly and you get mad because I won’t talk about upsetting crimes, while I have to earn all the money and do all the active parenting and caring for our child. I want you to leave. Preferably yesterday.

And how would he feel if your ds ends up in a similar situation when he's older? Would he view it differently & want him to make the most of himself? It sounds as though your dh has zero resilience and no real incentive to get a job. I think you need to be tougher & only pay bills & not give him access to funds. This might make him realise he needs to get his arse into gear and stop being a leech. Shoving a child in front of a screen so he can do his own thing is not parenting. He probably also needs some help with his anxiety but it sounds self perpetuating atm.

Because those women are normally running the household

I dont know of any SAHMs who can't take care of their DC for a whole day or exercise 5 hrs a day @SpringerFall. Surely that is the definition of a SAHP: that you can take care of your DC without headphones? Some of us even managed to take care of two DC without getting anxious.

Exactly that. ^ And at the risk of repeating myself, when it comes to the men who are at home all day, (who don't have a job,) 9 out of 10 of them do fuck all around the house.

They won't do all the housework and cooking and ironing and cleaning and grunt work and domestic chores and home admin and chilcare and shopping. Men just don't do it.

I know/have known know quite a few women who have got a man who doesn't work, and he often doesn't get up til 11:00am, he sits in watching TV, playing video games, having naps and snoozes on the couch, and just generally getting in the way!

Men generally will not do anything when they're at home all day. That's the difference between men and women! Also, they somehow seem to manage to dominate the house when they're at home. They just get in the way, they get underfoot, they're loud and intrusive, and even though THEY do fuck-all to help, they hinder the woman when she is trying to do everything!!! I would lose my fucking shit if my husband was only 50 and was around the house all day, never lifting a finger to help!

Sorry but he sounds like an utter waste of space. Why on earth are you doing the school run? If he's going to be a sahp I'd expect the house to be immaculate, the food cooked, cleaning done, shopping done and all schools runs done by him. But he's not a sahp is he? He just doesn't work. What a self indulgently prick he sounds. As for running marathons...well I suppose he needs something to boost his self esteem seeing as he's such a dreadful partner

Did you even have the option to be the SAHP? Sounds like he just took it, without any consideration of you, the mother.

He's seriously taking advantage of you. If he were a participative SAHP, fair enough, but he's self-indulgent and neglectful of his duties.

My DH earns more than enough for us to keep up our lifestyle. However, I would hate to sit around doing nothing all day (no kids) for various reasons - my own mental wellbeing, and causing resentment if I spend every day doing what I want while DH has to work!

However I do suffer from awful work anxiety (despite loving my job), and I vomit every morning on a day I’m working. I would rather not go through that 5 days a week, so I work 3 days but also take on the lion’s share of household stuff like meal planning, shopping, cooking, gardening, DIY etc. It works for us but it has been a discussion every step of the way. And I still feel guilty sometimes!

Your DH needs to get part time work and to step up his childcare.

OP I missed that you are only 36. You are too young for this shit.

If anyone is SAH, they should facilitate the one who works.

Are there many women who don't work, don't clean and have minimal caring responsibilities? Not many. And those that do are also lazy CF. Vaglodgers, I suppose you'd call them. If the spouse was happy, all well and good, but most wouldn't be, same as for a man.

Interesting.

It certainly has for some people.

So true. And hers face it, he’s not actually taking care of dc.

OP - this is NOT a MH problem. There is a big difference between anxiety, which we all have, and an anxiety disorder which can be overcome with therapy and/or medication help. If we all had to go back to work after a break we would feel anxiety but most of us would push through.

Signs this is pure selfishness dressed up as MH? The non parenting for more than half a day, the not doing what he does not want to do in the house, the staying at home without a discussion, the refusal to consider any kind of other job. Funny how his anxiety does not stop him doing what he likes?

At the very least, what he is doing at the moment is not making his anxiety better and is placing an unfair burden on you. No truly loving partner would do this. IME, people who truly have anxiety disorders are desperate to minimize the impact of this on their families, and this is often their motivation for getting help to overcome it.

Best case scenario, an ultimatum would snap him out of it. Worst case, he will continue to show you what a selfish asshole he is and you will have to leave. As for him getting custody? Make a note of all the times you had to take a half day off work because he wont parent for more than a few hours at a time.

Nah.

I missed this bit too! OP, get out FFS! In 10 years time you will be his carer!

You seem very passive in allowing this man to basically use you to facilitate his laziness and lack of parenting and contribution to the household.
Is there any plus signs?
Is he incredible in bed? romantic? adores you?

Your only 36 and your husband is 50. He is at home all day every day and is doing as little as possible. The house is a mess, the garden is the same. He not even doing the school pick ups for your child. Meanwhile your working full time, doing the majority of the work and financially supporting you all.

I would be getting legal advice re divorcing him. See what you need to put in place so you can keep the house and as much of your pension as possible. I would then cancelling his gym membership, cancelling the internet at home, stop his bank cards and giving him no access to your money.
Tell him you're bring him to the doctor to get his anxiety sorted out and that he is then going to start applying for jobs because your no longer going to be financially supporting him.
If he is not willing to get help from the doctor or make changes I would divorce him.

I know several men who lost jobs in the past and their wives had good jobs. They minded kids, did housework and got other jobs once there kids were in school. One man drives a taxi a few nights a week to help with family finances.

I would also be thinking of your own life long term. If he is 50 it only a matter of time before he has hip or knee problems due to all the exercising. Even if he does not in 20 years time you be in your mid 50's and he be 70. You want to go places and do things when say your child is university and he will be an old man. I know a lady at the moment who is a young 62/63 and she is still working PT as her youngest child is in college. He husband is 10 years older and he just wants to stay at home and he does very little housework as well.

I can see her ending up caring for him when she gets to retirement. I know another lady as well that this happened to also and she is now in poor health. Her husband was about 10/12 years older than her.

I agree with a previous comment that it's good for your child to have a stay at home parent, and you can afford it. It seems you don't realise how hard it is looking after a child instead of working

I had a husband like this OP. I dumped him.
Allowing him to behave like this is basically enabling his behaviour.
After ditching my husband of 20 years who worked on and off and brought nothing to the table and he was awarded nothing to the divorce
As Id taken care of financials prior to marriage he suddenly realised he was in the shit.
He woke up and went and did estate agent training and is now working full time.
I am furious that I allowed him to be a cocklodger for so long.

This situation is not fair on you. Especially if the house and garden and the parenting is not done properly.
He is choosing this behaviour because there’s no financial urgency due to your salary.

How do you think he will react if you were to say to him that for your own stress and anxiety levels he had to get a job even if it was a part time job by x time period or you leave him?

Everyone is different but all things considered I would not tolerate this situation if he isn’t actively trying to help himself e.g get some counselling, do some volunteering, do a course (could be online) to up-skill himself in another field….

This comment is quite presumptuous and so unfair to the OP. He is not doing anything around the house and garden and parenting seems to be to plonk the child in front of a screen. His sole purpose of SAHP seems to be to just exercise.

Possibly unpopular opinion here.

Even IF a man in this position DID do ALL the household stuff and childcare so that the OP could just put her feet up and do zero drudgery I think she'd go off him as it's important that men earn money and do their best to get out and work.

Yes it's sexist and if a woman took on everything it's unlikely her dh would go off her.

It's just how it is. Unless the guy's genuinely retired of course.

So trying to get him to take on more chores and childcare seems pointless when if he doesn't work she'll want him gone anyway.