To think DH should look harder for work?

[NameChaneAgain]

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

• horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
• music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
• football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).

I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

You need to put your foot down on this.

say you haven’t agreed for him to be a SAHP and as he isn’t pulling his weight on that front he need to get to work.

if his anxiousness is stopping him he need to see the GP and work with them to help manage it.

he cannot become a recluse who lives off you and doesn’t even do the bare minimum of keeping the house clean and drop offs.

THIRTY SIX ?!? Omg.

run run run away from him.

Leave him op, your basically be financially supporting this older man to he's infirm and then your never going to be able to retire as there's no shared pot left for you and that's after looking after him in his old age whilst you still work.

Cut your losses now, he's going to get a share of your pension ect but you have the rest of your life to start over.

Did he work in a creative industry out of interest OP?? Music/ sound recording/ graphic design/ journalism ?? I think people who have had jobs in these industries (my h works in one) mentally have trouble with the idea of doing anything mundane and often need an ultimatum if work drys up

Appalling. He’s living the life of Riley because he can - a tale as old as time. Why have you stood it for so long? There’s no reason for anyone healthy to be out of work these days!

Why don’t you want more for you and your family than to ‘get by’? You’re still young so don’t let this carry on for much longer.

"I do love DH and don't want to leave him, but I feel he's ended up in a situation where he can just do what he wants pretty much all day, and it's not good for him. He's reverting to acting like a teenager and I don't want to be his mum."

Have you said this to him, using these words?

You're 36? Excellent, you have a brilliant life ahead without him, and the ability to recover financially from the divorce.

Imagine the next 30 years financially supporting this loser. Imagine being 65 and going out to work every day while he's had the best part of four decades to please himself off the back of your earnings. Imagine having to factor his spending on his hobbies in your retirement planning.

That's not a life.

It certainly can be good. This child wouldn’t know, they don’t have a stay at home parent. They don’t even have a there for them in the holidays parent like teachers kids. Well, they kind of do, but it’s the op. And that other biological parent sometimes does a half day,
but it’s hard on him so he has to spend it listening to his music and ignoring the child so he can cope. Before going off to his marathon training. I can’t even, what a waste of space in the ops life he is.

He sounds like a total loser. You’re far more patient than many at carrying a useless lump for 5 years!!

He’s a dreadful example for your poor child too. I’d sack a nanny/childminder who had headphones on whilst caring for my child.

I think he needs to see a medical professional about his anxiety. It seems ike he has some coping mechanisms like exercise and music but he has taken them to the extreme and his lifestyle doesn't enable living as a member of society (eg not interacting with his child, not feeling well enough to interview for a job). If there's no intervention it will become more extreme than that, which IMO is already really extreme and will drive you to separate sooner rather than later, and/or affect your MH.

Pull the plaster off

Gather evidence that you are in fact the primary parent and GTFO before you build up more assets for him to take.

You're going to lose a chunk anyway and it will be worse the longer it goes on.

I can barely believe what I'm reading. A healthy 50 year old who doesn't work, doesn't really look after his child, doesn't do anything around the house or garden. He really is living the life of bloody riley whilst you do everything else including earn all the money! I'm sure lots of us would like to indulge in a hobby or have time to exercise for hours on end but we have FAMILY, RESPONSIBILITIES & JOBS!

Why are you allowing this to continue? I couldn't respect any partner who chose to do fuck all whilst I slogged my guts out.

Dump this horrid cocklodger.

Stop waiting for him to be different.

But he’s not looking after the child much.

OP has said that she does the majority of childcare snd housework etc whilst he exercises for hours everyday.

She is the one who has to have a day off if the child is sick because the ‘SAHP’ apparently can’t cope.

36!! Run for your life OP.
Don't waste the rest of your life with this useless, piss taking man baby!

He may be severely depressed is that the case op

I did read all of that.
You and your son would be better off without the dead weight of your husband.

Even IF a man in this position DID do ALL the household stuff and childcare so that the OP could just put her feet up and do zero drudgery I think she'd go off him as it's important that men earn money and do their best to get out and work.

That's not at all accurate. I don't think the fact he is a man has anything to do with it - I just don't think it's good for him to be at home doing what he likes pretty much all day, speaking to nobody, doing an hour or so of chores whilst I am at work all week. It's not a good balance and it's not good for his well-being. I'd say the same if I was the husband and he was the wife.

Did he work in a creative industry out of interest OP?? Music/ sound recording/ graphic design/ journalism ?? I think people who have had jobs in these industries (my h works in one) mentally have trouble with the idea of doing anything mundane and often need an ultimatum if work drys up

You have hit the nail on the head. He keeps saying that I want him to get a job in Sainsbury's and when there is an entire world out there and I would be happy to support him if he needs to study for a qualification that will lead to a job. I would be very happy if he was just working 2-3 days a week even bringing in say £5-10k a year. He just won't engage with anything.

That much exercise can actually make anxiety worse, even professional athletes rarely do 5 hours every day!! At 36 you need to move on, he won’t change.

OP has said that she does the majority of childcare snd housework

He does the majority of the housework but the housework just isn't being done beyond the bare minimum (unloading dishwasher and washing clothes etc).

He also does a lot if it quite badly - eg he can't tell when clothes/sheets etc are dry and so puts them away and they get mould stains.

You’ve said twice in this post that the current situation isn’t good for him.

What about you and your child? Have you thought how it’s negatively impacting on you and him?

Anyway, so we had a small fight last night just before I started this thread, and a much bigger one tonight. I told him I wasn't happy that he had just decided not to work and to exercise 4+ hours a day. He says I'm being unfair because he is trying his best. I say I can't believe he think I'm being unfair.

He says it's not worth him getting a job because of childcare in school holidays. I keep pointing out that he doesn't do that much childcare in the school holidays and DS would be more stimulated in a holiday club for half a day.

His focus is all on how hard he thinks he is trying but he'll quite happily admit that he doesn't spend more than an hour or two at most doing housework etc. I am out at work/with DS from 8am-5pm most days so that's a lot of time spent at leisure. He asks if I want him to clean the floors twice but there's a ton of stuff that he never does. I have been asking him for at least a month to sign DS up for scouts and he hasn't even done that.

He always comes back to ridiculous suggestions like do I want to give up work and he can work full time earning little money, when I just want him to get a part-time job.

I wish he would talk to his parents or somebody who could talk some sense into him. Instead it's just me and he sees me as some weird boss/mummy which isn't a good dynamic.

I do worry about his mental health. He was having shaking panic attacks this morning after I said again that he should get a job last night. He's sleeping downstairs tonight so I don't know what he's like. He would probably kill himself if he were to divorce but I just want him to get out of this current harmful routine.

Wow just wow