To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

I am really sorry for your situation and for all you have been through and are still going through. It sounds like hell and life is obviously very tough for you.

From the OP the relationship described is complicated but the OP obviously still loves her Mum.

Your situation is totally different and I would not presume for one minute you will miss your parents but having been in a similar situation to the OP I just wanted to share the benefit of my experience in the hope it might help. However that experience is unique to me and I appreciate it will be different for everyone.

All of you should have engaged enthusiastically with the funeral chat, choosing the coffin, insisting on things you know she wouldn't want but she'd be dead so what? She'd have been onto pudding in no time at all.

OMG seriously you were in a restaurant with your kids with Nazi swastikas on their shirts? I cannot believe this, how on earth did you or anyone else find this acceptable.

Swastikas? Andrew Tate has a lot to answer for. I hope they lock him up for a long timev and confiscate his ill gotten gains.

Maybe they’re taking a cue from Prince Harry.

Well I laughed my socks off re the dog and the will to live.
My late parents lived with us for 5/18 years. She was a diva, he was jolly to the end. She went first, quickly.
Any funeral talk tell her she's having one of those cheapo cremations.
My mother wanted bloody bells!
I've been a bit poorly recently and planned my exit, it made my DC laugh. The DH said you'll get what your given, you'll be dead (science brain).
Personally I would never live in a three g again. But we get pushed into these things. Chin up and have a lovely party for your other DC.

She has explained this - it wasn't her kids, they were also shocked, it was racist kids at her school. Vile. But she is innocent!

She sounds like a bit of a legend to me! Calling out racism and sexism in a very direct way at 85 is such a good role model for your DCs.

A lot of the shirt painting would have happened out of school.

Thanks for explaining and sorry I missed this!

Not always 2 of my friends saw more of their MIL's. 1 looked after her DC at her house including her oldest DS who was her husband's SS. She carried on looking after them after they split until she could no longer due to ill health.

Another friend's family lives 2 hour's away. They some visited her at weekends and vice versa. They went everywhere together days out and everything. When I first met her I assumed she was her mum. But she said oh no that's my MIL she just she's retired now so wants to be involved in GC lives. Her parents and MIL got on well as well.

To be fair we did. There was mention of parties at the graveside

RTFT 🙄
in a word. 'no'

RTFT 🙄
in a word. 'no' - if you're also referring to my DCs - which you might not be

Yeah I think so. I will let school know so they can be forewarned next time. The kids say the N word on the bus too. Buses - the last bastion of 'Lord of the Flies' for kids.

Yeah. Eyes open on that one. My DF had dementia and honestly looking back some of the behaviour went back decades, sounds weird I know but some of the things that later became fixations or major anxieties were actually there much earlier. There is so much more research to be done on dementia

This. Some people can brush this behaviour off and others can’t and it can make them feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, annoyed etc

Well, exactly. I think when the subject of funerals came up, I'd have been tempted to say something like "No need to worry about that, Mum, we've organised a full state funeral for you, we took the Queen's as our model, leave it to us" and then changed the subject.

STFU is a complete sentence.

Celebration/Birthday lunches at home with DM; pub nights out without her. You can never celebrate too much !

Your kids will laugh about her batshittery when she is gone, as will you. In the meantime, try to carve out some just family stuff without her. Pretend you are going for sushi / wagamama's/ curry / paintball. Whatever makes her want to give it a total swerve.

My granny is 90 and if you mention buying her anything, she cheerfully replies not to bother because "you'll just get it back soon anyway" 😂

Although a celebratory dinner for teenagers probably isn't the place for detailed funeral planning...!

Oh God she sounds hideous! Sorry, I know it's your Mum, but honestly!

Ah, a missed opportunity to say ' I would really love to chat about your funeral some other time. In fact, I've been giving it a lot of thought...'

You absolutely CAN and actually should make the decision that she doesn't get brought along to any future meals out. You can still socialise with her at home but things like this will be off limits.
You have to stand up for yourself and by extension, your kids and your family, by showing that there are consequences to being spoken to in the way she has.
If she clocks that you're not bringing her places any more to be part of celebrations like this, you can simply use this most recent example of her behaviour as the reason - like "Well DM, when I asked you whether you enjoyed your meal you said "It was fine", and there was no thank you, similarly you made decisions that were not yours to make, such as DS using this meal as his 18th birthday celebration. I've decided that until you can be pleasant to be around, we're no longer going to be bringing you out for meals. If and when we do bring you out again, if there is even a hint of unpleasantness we'll leave, and don't think I won't"
Then show her you mean business.
Just because she lives in an annex to your home doesn't mean that you're joined at the hip!
She clearly has no issues being rude to you or your family members, so I'd drop the idea that you can't be assertive back to her. Sometimes a "No, we don't reward rudeness in this family" might be enough to make her sit up and pay attention to how she says what she says.

So what nature sounds are we talking then? Crickets? The soothing sound of panpipes? Rutting boars?