To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

No advice but you have my full sympathy, OP. My MIL was a bit like this and would start instructing us on her funeral arrangements before we’d even got our coats off on visits.

On a vaguely practical note, I would say to get her to write it down - my MIL did and it was hugely helpful when she died suddenly in her early 80s. We at least knew exactly what she wanted.

Is isn’t as easy as this. OP’s DM is the long lost twin of my DM. The fall out and drama of not inviting them will never ever end. Ever.

Yes you could, you can’t have it both ways…you invite her, knowing it’s going to go badly or you don’t invite her. Sounds like a problem if your own making to me.

Genius.

See, if I had to invite her, I’d be like your husband 🤣🤣. Free entertainment for every event- for your husband and children at least 😂.

This is my mum to a tee. We just don't ask her to stuff anymore. Or if we do, it's things that she can be easily diluted at-bigger gatherings where people aren't stuck in one place as they are at a dinner table iyswim.

Fine to say to her you are going out just you, dh and the kids. You don't owe her an invite whether she lives next door or not. Just tell her you are going somewhere you all fancy but know she wouldn't like if she asks.

Do you have to tell her where you're going/what you're doing the whole time?

Just go out without her.

If she asks 'well last time you made it very clear you don't enjoy going out for a meal, you don't enjoy teenager related chat, you didn't enjoy the food, so we just took those of us who do enjoy these things!'.

My mum lives in the granny flat next door to us. She doesn't expect to be included in all our social life or vice versa.

Before we lived adjacently we had a long discussion about boundaries and what was/wasnt acceptable.

Yours sounds a very difficult situation. I wonder if therapy might help you find coping strategies and the strength to have a "boundaries" chat with your parent.

My sympathies.

I shouldn’t laugh but I did because we may have the same mother
pop round: she’s death cleaning (in the fucking clutter
eat: constant exclamations about the volume
wear new clothes: comments on weight
talk about future: death
go out: it’s hard, death

but mine is under 70 and totally fit!

She seems very hard on herself. Does she experience any joy in her life?

Without RTFT... This!

I am shaking my head at all the "why did you invite her" comments. Anyone saying this clearly has no idea what it's like to have a difficult, family member, especially when they are your mother! I know because I am in a similar situation.

While I understand it is indeed the obvious solution to just not have her at events, that comes with different issues which cast a negative shadow over what's supposed to be a happy family event. She could find out and that'd cause a guilt trip and/or a rift. Despite everything, while there is some form of relationship with the negative person, if you are a nice, caring person, there will be guilt involved going without her, more so if the person lives alone.

Having a negative person in close family, especially a parent, is a minefield. You are torn between inviting them and having them ruin the event, or not invite them and enjoy the event but be ridden with guilt 😐, while running the risk of them finding out and there being a rammy 🙄. People who are lucky enough to not have experience of this are very lucky.

OP, I totally get why you invited her. Sorry she ruined it. I don't know what to suggest as there isn't really an answer. You have to choose between biting your tongue and just going without her and running the risk of offending her and dealing with the guilt of not inviting her.

My sister and I are sometimes baffled about our mother, she is so tolerant about many things- open door immigration policy, race, sexuality etc but so intolerant of other things - adverts, any TV really (especially quiz shows) women who've had plastic surgery, posh end supermarkets, celebrities, anyone called 'a national treasure', buying new clothes, any technology and it goes on. She is proud of ranting away, which is in full flow when she's had a drink or 3. She thinks it's entertaining and the GCs adore her and her 'one woman show' but it's exhausting. Often when she's out she'll say things quite loudly almost to see if she can provoke a reaction from random folk who might be in earshot, eg 'who the hell is daft enough to buy a Rolex/Range Rover/travel first class/buy a big house'. It's very much inverted snobbery. It's a shame because I love her dearly but it the undercurrent of negativity is very tiring.

WHO did she actually ruin it for?
Did your twins categorically say 'Gran has ruined the evening and we didn't have a good time'? Or did they have a bit of a giggle egging her on RE the funeral plans? If their evening was spoilt, ok, YANBU but if it's just 'she got on YOUR nerves', you need to unclench a bit. She is old and crabby and has form for this.

This. I get why for birthday meals, bur for end of term/ exams no need. Yabu

In your shoes OP I don't think I could bring myself to invite her out for a meal ever again. 😡

This

Could you do a repeat meal without her, or your twins choice of takeaway and a film for their mates?
Hope you get a breather now. And can limit what your mum is invited to. The thought was nice to include her but none of you need that every time! X

I’ve got similar MIL, my DD went running up to her after graduation ceremony saying how did you like it grandma? ‘Well, it was far too cold in there’ was all she would say! It’s almost funny really. We just try to have ‘low contact’ as someone else said, there’s only so much negativity you can take so you just have to weigh up the times you can leave her out!

My mother switches from being really lovely and helpful to being moody especially when she feels the attention isn’t on her. My daughter announced she was pregnant yesterday, my mother burst into tears so everyone spent the next 10 minutes asking what’s wrong, she then told a long story of where/how she announced her first pregnancy (59 years ago)!

You don't need people like that in your life
Stay around positive people, that don't make feel sad.

Well that’s nice of you tbf 🙂

Are you my sister because that sounds like my Mother !

My DM is like this. My DD was playing in a youth orchestra concert and halfway through DM burst into tears lamenting the fact that Grandad (her DF) would have loved this if he wasn’t dead and all I could think of was that if he had indeed been alive he would have been 106 and wanting to go to the toilet every 20 minutes.