To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

Have you pointed out her behaviour to her? Told her that she won't be invited again if she ruins events? Why not just not invite her and, if she asks, say it's because she clearly doesn't like eating out?

Too late - she’s in an annexe in the garden of our forever home

I would not invite her. My parents and in laws are all war babies. They like restaurants so we take them out. If they were dicks about it though I wouldn't invite them again. Whether or not they lived next door.

85! No moving her now

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday

Stop inviting her! Totally unfair on your children.

I’m sorry she ruined it for you and you obviously must feel awful, but if she has form for this, and you know she has - then I can’t really understand why you’d invite her.

She sounds an absolute bore but as long as your boys enjoyed themselves then it’s no big deal.
And on the plus side if you do take them for a birthday dinner next weekend then you don’t need to invite her as she's already said she doesn’t want to go (;

I’ve one like that, my sister. I’ve gone very low contact. I do love her and would do anything for her if needed, but the ‘me me me’ gets very wearing after a while, and life’s too short to be miserable on other people’s behalf.

Why do you let her live in an annexe in your forever home garden? Is your relationship with her very important to you? How would you feel if it was your MIL living with you? You probably wouldn't be so prepared to take your MIL on every outing.
Will it be the thing your children remember most about their childhood, that they had to have their grandmother on every outing? How does your husband feel about never being able to escape from his MIL?

Stop inviting her!

Just because she lives in an annexe doesn't mean she automatically comes to every occasion.

Well that explains a lot. Tbh I would (now the kids are old enough) basically not let her know every time when you're going out and sneak off for the odd thing.
Let the kids know Nanna is going to come out with some bollocks but that it's fine to ignore it.

It is just that having a parent live with you is a huge thing and she must be very central to your life that you invited her to share your forever home.

If this is new behaviour she probably is getting dementia or something similar and be gentle with her . If she has always been difficult I would be less lenient.

'Is your relationship with her very important to you' 😅about your own MOTHER!

Whaaaaaaaaat

Sounds like my mother. If everything isn't about her and she's not the centre of attention then she's not interested.

Why haven't you said something? Honestly don't seethe just say something even it's just a " mother" said in a warning voice.
I'd also say something like " I'll be taking the boys out next week, just us, ok" And if she asks why, tell her she brings the mood ". Let her sulk. It's fine. It's better than her sharing her misery and you being angry.

Well my relationship with my mother is very important to me. And for that reason I'd never invite her to come and live in an annexe of my house as we'd end up hating each other.

Neither do I tell her everything about my life, just as she doesnt tell me everything about hers.

You can love your mother without having to invite her to everything you do.

Not new sadly

I'd have asked her how long did I have to realistically wait for her funeral.........

It’s a choice that was part of a sequence of events arising from Covid and my DF with Parkinson’s and dementia. I honestly wouldn’t do it again but they were the right and only sane choices at the time

Of course you do ‘t have to invite her.

Don’t let misplaced guilt ruin all your children’s occasions.

You have taken my mother out for dinner!

Seriously, we have exactly the same issues. Once ate only a tiny bowl of Miso soup after disparaging everything else on the menu. Another time talked incessantly about how she could cook everything on the menu better than the restaurant! It was yo sushi too, so unlikely!

I had to tell her bluntly that she makes the kids anxious with all her talk about dying (I won't be here next year etc etc) She's pretty much shut up about it now.

The one difference is that we tried the annexe thing and she hated it! She clearly felt inferior to us in the house and whenever we tried to put in a boundary, felt left out and complained to all our relatives, making me out to be the bad guy(so I understand why you couldn't not invite her).

She happily then moved to a very luxurious retirement place where fortunately for me her unhappiness and bitterness are someone else's problem.

On a practical note, I invite her to school plays and concerts where we don't have to talk, and she can then tell everyone about her grandchildren. Occasionally she takes the kids out for lunch at the weekend one to one, but we would never do a meal like that again. Don't invite her op, she will ruin your kids memories of these milestones.

I loved my mother but my primary relationships are to my husband and children. I could never have had my mother live in an annexe in the garden. It wouldn't have been fair on my husband and child.
@TotHappy How would you feel if your husband wanted his mother to live in an annexe in your garden.
Your mother may be your primary relationship and you want to share everything with her but that probably doesn't apply to your husband and children.
TBF my mother loved her independence and would never have agreed to live in my back garden either.

Cannot understand why you are so bothered about your Mum’s behaviour. My Mum was 83 when she died. My children just laugh about their lovely Grandma's totally un PC thoughts. She was unique!!

Just be ready for the hard of reading to next suggest you evict your 85 year old mother.

Mumsnet at it's most curious with attitudes to mothers.

Your teenagers will have mostly not taken a blind bit of notice if they're fed and watered.

Mine never remembered any of these "milestones" too busy just growing up, and free meal out a complete bonus.

Enjoy them while you can 🤗

Good grief... I have no idea how she's ended up being 'part of the family' and why on earth you've created an annexe to facilitate this nonsense when she clearly isn't family orientated and reverts everything back to her and her views/needs/,rules.
I have lots of sympathy for the really tricky circumstances that that generation has had to overcome.. especially in their formative years. But they also had big advantages on their mid and later years that subsequent generations can only dream of. It's a shame that talking about how you really feel/articulating your needs was so discouraged because I think it leaves many bitter and snippy despite being materialy (as a cohort obviously, not individuals) much better off than the generations that will follow. It makes intergenerational living harder and fraught with potential conflict.