To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

Have a laugh with her by gently taking the piss

go DH, best way to deal with it.

Obviously I disagree it is bad manners.

This ^

😆😆

OP I sympathise, my mum is like this, nothing is ever good enough, she always bring the mood right down with her moaning.

I remember when we were getting married she phoned me up specifically to tell me not to invite any of my aunts uncles and cousins or friends from school because “they won’t come, it’s too far” - they live about a 4 hour drive away, they all came. But in her mind no one would want to pay for a hotel to attend a wedding 🙄

What a ridiculous thing to discuss.

The obvious answer is a large icicle, no discussion necessary 😜

What were the options?!

This is her personality. She’s not going to change now.

She probably is pretty miserable and that won’t have helped an already self-focused personality. Being miserable or lonely does make people more self absorbed.

You can’t change her so you are best to change you attitude and either develop a sense of humour about it or at least develop a thick skin and the knowledge that you can tolerate and cope with her behaviour.

Op you can't change her bit you can ch age how you react.

I'd go with dh method and try to make granny bingo. What items will she mention 1 point, depressing comments 2 points, etc

God your mum sounds just like my step mum. So difficult to be around people like that. Well done for holding it together for your kids

You could totally have capitalised on this. I’m so pleased you brought this up, I was so worried about the music we’d play at your funeral. Maybe we should meet at the funeral parlor next week to discuss it with them. They even have payment plans these days. Downloads animal fart sounds…

I would have wound her up whilst winking at the children - I am sure they would have had a laugh.

Hi OP,

Your DM sounds very like my late SiL. We lost her this year at 83. She was always hard work so we actually didn't notice that her increasingly abrasive and inappropriate behaviour was a feature of dementia, meaning she wasn't diagnosed until very close to her death.

She was very adept at hiding her cognitive decline, so keep a watch for other signs.

I feel for you OP. What a nightmare.

why do you disagree? Because she is old and therefore MUST be going doolally?

😂This is great. I need to try this with my own mother.

Oh congrats!! You have a mood-hoover DM!!

I sympathise hugely. My DM ruined DS's 10th birthday by blurting out something horrible about his recently deceased other grandma (my MIL)
It was so rude and shocking that noone said anything so I called her out on it as I was sick of this walking on eggshells shit. She got all huffy as if I had made the fuss. Unbelievable. Nope, not dementia - just rudeness and narcissism that we were all too afraid to call out.

Anyway, I can offer 3 pieces of advice:

A) don't invite her. V hard & you may all have to sneak off but so what? At least you'll have a nice time!

B) play Fun Sponge Bingo!!! My DM had lots of things she hated so we'd score points for every one she mentioned. DH sometimes deliberately mentioned things such as weather, adverts or Stephen Fry just to score points.

C) Fight fire with flowers. Every time she says something negative, reply with a positive. 'Oh I hate going out for a meal.'
'Maybe, but aren't we lucky to be able to do that now?'
Or
'I hate the rain.'
'Brilliant for the garden though!!'

Good luck and sympathies 😊

erm… excuse me but you could ! should and consider, from today, would !

Damn! While I was writing my response someone else mentioned Bingo!!

There's a lot of mood-hoovers out there, clearly...

We do bingo with some family members too. But with my own mum, I would just say, "Alright mum, give it a rest!" or "Wow mum, way to ruin the mood!"

I would say YABU because you know what she is like and yet you still invited her! Assuming your kids actually wanted a family meal, that doesn't have to mean the entire extended family.

TBH, I'm with her on the food being "fine". Clearly I'm not eating in the right places, but I can probably count on one hand the number of meals out that have been incredible, or even "lovely" honestly. Most genuinely are just "fine", and not anything significantly better than I could cook for myself at home. For me, it's more about the company.

Yes you can! It’s important you go & have fun with your own nuclear family from time to time. Especially as she doesn’t even enjoy going out & is judgemental. Hopefully you can have a bit of humour with your kids about grandma talking about her funeral when you are out. Well done to your twins and happy 18th celebrations hope Grandma doesn’t spoil them for you (ignore & don’t let her)

if you know what she is going to be like, I don't understand why your upset by it when she meets your expectations.

Agree with the Granny Bingo suggestion. It's something my BIL used to do with his own Gran. Although suddenly yelling out "BINGO!!!" just as she was in the middle of another rant about something morbid did rather escalate things.

You've either got to not bring her to some things or just roll with it.

If your DH draws her out to amuse himself, and your DC find her funny, it sounds like it is you that gets really wound up by her? And one can see why, and there is probably history there too. For your sake, is there any way you could switch to getting amusement out of it? Whip out a catalogue of wicker coffins, encourage DC to learn some bird calls and say they will be performing them at the funeral, agree that it’s going to be a nightmare to get all the old junk she thinks are antique valued… say you’re so relieved that as an 85 year old she doesn’t eat like a 16 year old or something would really be wrong.. or just exclaim brightly I do love talking about funerals at mealtimes, we’re so lucky….

Re the school shirt thing - Jesus. Definitely report, complain, kick up. I can’t believe teachers can all be completely unaware of this. I thought this sort of thing had been stamped out in schools years ago.