To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

You mention that she doesn't go out for food or wasn't brought out (post War time) for things like that by her family members and she wasn't allowed to 'like' food. The first bit is easily sorted by saying to her "Mum - we do go out for food because we're not living in War or Post-War conditions. We can afford to and we enjoy it. It's such a shame/pity that you can't accept that and enjoy it too"
As for her not liking food - she grew up during War times and Post-War times things were rationed so she is probably quite frugal and simply ate what was put in front of her whether she 'liked' it or not, she wasn't given the opportunity to and would see sending some food back as wasteful (big assumption there). You do however have to pull her up on her comments and behaviour. It's not acceptable, no matter her age, to behave as she is/has been doing

Then it's not her "thing". So I'd use that when not inviting her next time.

"We went out for dinner, but as I know it's not your thing, because you've mentioned it before, we thought it best to go without you, as you wouldn't have really enjoyed it"

Then run from the annexe as fast as you can. 😅

Hope your DSs enjoyed their food anyhow!

I hope, without discussing it with DM, you take your teens out for a proper fun celebration too that you can enjoy as well. You should'nt have to be crying in the loo afterwards to keep some miserable downer entertained so they can complain and dominate the conversation. I've had many occasions ruined and been publically humiliated all through trying to be a "good" daughter. I wish I'd been more assertive at the time.

Your DC only have a few more years with you before they start to think about taking off for a while. Enjoy yourselves and make nice memories with them.

Im not saying cut your DM out, but find something less important where she can indulge her tendancies to her hearts content. When it doesnt matter what tripe she comes out with - a coffee and cake morning for eg. Shorter than a full on meal.

But no more letting her wreck your special celebrations for your kids. This is YOUR time.

Fun sponge. Constantly negative and draining. Hogs the conversation with all of her own "woe is me" shit. Yep. I have a mother and grandmother exactly the same.
Unfortunately they are the only family I have left so I put up with it. Stopped inviting them to things for me or my children - but do still make the effort when its an occasion for them.

Full cats bum face 😹😹😹

I’m in a similar situation to you with DM living in our Granny Annexe. DS has her permission to play ‘Rave In The Grave’ at her funeral. Might be worth bringing this up at the 18th birthday celebration

Maybe have a celebration 10 minute cup of tea with her next time, save the fun for people who are going to enjoy it? YANBU

@Milliondoll you CAN not invite her - just be out and say it was an impromptu thing and if she still complains mention how much she moaned during the last one so you were doing b her a favour?

Sometimes am grateful my kids' only living grandparents are in another country and have nothing to do with our lot.

RTFT!

Why

Indeed. I would've thought the twins' end of GCSE meal was a 'just Mum & Dad and kids' event.

So you can’t stop seeing her so you need tactics to protect your well-being;

Bookend your time with her with something nice and nurturing for you - a sit down with a cuppa/episode of your favourite show/call a friend/listen to a song.

Play bingo. I use this with my mum;
5 points for a moan.
10 points for passive aggression.
20 points for criticism of someone else.
30 points for criticism of me
50 points for aggression towards me.

Then I pick a threshold and a prize. Last time if I got to 100 I was going to buy a plant I like from RHS. I was begging her in my head to do it!! I sadly only got to 85. It really changed how I felt being around her and she was none the wiser.

Sounds a bit like my dad. I dont take him out for meals anymore, as he complains and always moans about the food. He keeps telling me exactly how my mother died over dinner. It's depressing and I don't enjoy myself with him. I have him over once a week for a roast dinner, and we have meals out WITHOUT him, because I want to enjoy myself 😆. Interesting how my father and your mother are both war time babies. He constantly complains about needless things like enjoyable activities and eating out, because they weren't done in their day. It must be a generational thing and they can't understand us, just like us with them!

It's not a generational thing. My parents were born in the early to mid 1930s and have never behaved like this. It's a personality thing.

I wouldn't invite her to things like that again. Irrelevant that she's living in an annexe next to your house. She can stay at home while you go out and enjoy yourselves as she obviously doesn't like going for meals out.

I started reading being 100% in your corner OP but actually you and your little friends on here sound absolutely vile.

Because they told me on Friday night! When could I have told the school 😵‍💫

She's 85 and has form for this, yet you sound surprised by her performance!

I just don't understand why you would take her?

She sounds unnervingly honest in her comments, so I'd have left her at home and explained exactly why she wasn't invited in no uncertain terms if she'd have complained.

Don't make the same mistake for the next celebration.