To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

I was going to say don’t invite her, but I see you have moved her into your home, so I’m afraid you are stuck with it.

I don’t invite our elderly relatives to things that I think they will spoil. My DC have an event in a few weeks and my DH wanted to invite his parents and I said a flat NO. I’m sick of going to be part of what will be a fantastic memory of my DC, only to be spoilt by his family sucking the joy out of it.

The decreasing oestrogen is brilliant. It makes you give no f*cks anymore. I do include in-laws and my own lot in some things, but I think it through and if it seems like it will end up in a place where I am upset, or have a crap time, or I end up losing out seeing my DC do something, then the answer is NO, they aren’t invited.

Thank OP, for the perfect phrase to describe my DM - "positivity hoover"! I couldn't say for sure if she's ever enjoyed anything as it's all doom and gloom with her. Also, comments about how much other people (me) are eating, how she's so full after half a potato, what exactly is wrong with the (perfectly nice) meal that we're eating (and I'm enjoying!). Also has a sideline in comments about the appearance of any woman that she sees on TV and whether they've had work done on their face or put on weight.

I can ignore or laugh it off at the time, but it just grinds you down over the years!

Is she single? My dad would love her!! 🤣

Has she sold her old home as maybe her money could buy somewhere a bit further away from where she lives a the moment?

I don't think the subject is the issue, it is more she made a celebration event for someone else all about her.

Generalising a bit, but old people tend to talk about their deaths. Like teenagers take selfies. They also make many things about them.

Honestly, doesn't seem worth this level of rage.

TBH she just sounds like she’s 86! I think a lack of social filter, only wanting to direct the conversations to her own topics, being fairly “forthright” and a bit embarrassing is pretty normal! I think TBH she’s not going to change, so you might just have to try to learn to see the funny side and not react. They do call it a second childhood- maybe just think of it like that? Were your twins annoyed or did they just roll with it? I used to find my granny’s mad ways highly amusing as did my friends. If everyone else accepts it then stop thinking of it as a problem you have to sort out.

I also think she was right about the shirts!

I do think it’s fine to do stuff without her too- especially an evening meal with young friends- if she asks just reply matter of fact that it was for the twins and their school friends and she didn’t seem to enjoy it last time. Do something else with her instead, like lunch over the weekend.

What was the point of inviting if if meant ruining celebrations for your kids and you giving hard stares? YABU because you knew how your mum is and you still invited for a meal out for your kids.

I do remember taking my gran out for a “nice lunch” once when she complained about absolutely everything, did the usual “half a cup of tea and a slice of tomato on toast”, because she had no appetite, complained that the food was too expensive, cold, not good quality, restaurant was noisy etc. Not to the staff, just me. Then next weekend said could we go back there because it was so lovely last time! I was like 😳 🤯

More Fool You!

Why on earth did you allow her to live literally on top of you like that?

She sounds very difficult.

I would have just said 'Can we change the subject now Mum, this is supposed to be a celebration!' but honestly, at 85 you're not going to change her! My mum's a bit like this too at times and the kids just laugh about it.

Oh OP, I can so sympathise, my DM is like this too. Deep down I know it’s just what she’s like and never really intentional, but in some ways that makes it worse/harder to deal with, because she never has to take responsibility for upsetting people and ruining gatherings and events for other people or dealing with the fall-out. I think this might actually be the perfect opportunity for you to stop inviting her along to things where she isn’t meant to be the focus, and just arrange smaller things at home for her to be part of. If she gets upset, you can legitimately tell her that she obviously didn’t enjoy it last time. I don’t think you can win whatever you do really - she not at an age where it’s very likely her personality or behaviour will change a great deal, so it’s more about finding strategies for minimising the stress that kind of thing causes you both

You should have let him carry right on. The best way to deal with this sort of behaviour is to take the piss.

My mum who is absolutely nothing like yours I hasten to add sometimes talks about her own death and funeral and the kids have a laugh about it. E.g. she says this might be my last Christmas and we sing Last Christmas to her. Sounds like your mum wouldn’t have the same sense of humour though.

They would’ve asked if the nature sounds would include ducks quacking and cocks crowing and cows farting too! Maybe you need a bit of humour to diffuse her.

Good that she’s got a right-on attitude though. She’s not all bad!

Sounds like you've moved her in but to the detriment of your wider family. It's your children I feel sorry for, being around suck a toxic, negative influence will have had such a poor effect on them, how they view life and ultimately you.

I agree with this, and with the PP who suggested everyone engaging with the sounds of nature at the funeral talk. You won't get her to stop introducing talk you feel inappropriate for a celebratory occasion, so you might as well make the best of it by taking the piss rather. I remember many occasions with elderly nans making outrageous comments and all the younger people would draw it out and make it funny. If it comes down to doing this or getting upset and annoyed, you might as well?

I'd also reconsider inviting her to every event or occasion, if you feel irked by her. I wouldn't leave her out every time, that would be mean, but restaurants don't seem to be her thing by her own admission...

Completely disagree. I am often astonished by how on MN " your children are your children for life" and must be allowed to live at home till 35, but your mum is to be discarded in a home.

I think it does teens good to be around their GPs and learn a bit of tolerance, because old age comes to us all.

I’m sorry, @Milliondoll , your post made me laugh. My DM is exactly the same. It was the bit about Cat Bum Face (I’m stealing that one) and the nature sounds at her funeral. It sounds like pretty much any family event here where DM isn’t the centre of attention. She is also very much in the “well I won’t need to eat tomorrow” mould. Conversations about DM’s behaviour are equally unproductive. I’m chuckling darkly because I could have written this post and reading you makes me feel slightly less bad about all the family meals I’ve spent contemplating what I could do with a cake fork.

We would all laugh and mock her until she stars laughing too! But I’m from Liverpool and we don’t suffer negativity at such joyous occasions.

Have you tried standing up to her and saying "perhaps we can talk about funerals on a night when we aren't celebrating".

Just because she’s 85 doesn’t mean the world revolves around her. There’s some strange entitlement around elderly people that they just cannot be wrong and you must like them no matter what.

She’s already said she told her to move on multiple times.

yes you could.

this. I am 70 and have older sibs so I am allowed to say it. Disinhibition due to dementia or other brain injury at any age is allowed. Bad manners are not.

hello? Old age does not and should not equal bad manners