To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

To be fair the fact she's 85 isn't in the original post. Anyone reading it and only the first few comments from the Op might assume someone 20 years younger. Although plenty of 85 year olds do appear much younger.

The depressing thing about some of the replies is you can already tell who will be the joyless, bitter, elderly people.😉

Ugghhh how annoying. It sounds like she ruined it for herself but not for your kids. Tell her to pull herself together or you'll AirBnb the damn annexe.

Look up COVERT narcissist and you will understand her better. You will never win. So don’t even waste your breath. I can’t believe she lives next door, you poor thing!! That sounds like hell tbh.

It is actually hilarious. I wonder how the teens reacted? At their age I would have been holding in a fit of the giggles.

Your kids were at a restaurant with swastikas and the n-word written on them? Seriously?

Actually they aren’t funny, because everything always has to be about them, constantly and it’s very draining.

They also enjoy your bad news, if you are seriously ill they can feed on it for weeks. They bring the mood down everywhere to make most events utterly miserable unless you have the music on so loud it drowns out their contribution. They have no capacity to feel love, empathy or anything apart from their needs and themselves.

Everyone else is just there to serve them, keep them entertained and they are never happy, ever. Impossible to please, impossible to live with.

You CAN not invite her.
And you can tell her why.

'It's his bday, we just want it upbeat, at the twins end of exam meal you didn't seem happy and kept talking about funerals I don't want a repeat of that we want it to be fun and there's loud music which upsets you too.'

I think this is a rather wonderful thread, showcasing common sense and total idiocy in equal measure! OP, I'm sorry you had a bit of a dud meal, but I'm sure the kids enjoyed it regardless. Maybe next time you should just let your DH do his wind-up thing...it sounds like it would be entertaining at least.

What sort of nature sounds is she talking about? Is there scope to include elephants trumpeting and those monkeys that hoot loudly at dawn?

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

Oh dear

i feel really differently to most others on this thread about this scenario.

When I read this post it made me laugh and then I realised it was serious. I wonder what would happen if you were to humour her - bear with me - I wonder what would have happened at that table if you had all started chipping in about what music you wanted to be played at your funeral as a humorous bit of fun, taking the “morbidness” out of it. I know it sounds a bizarre suggestion but you never know.

Aside from the dinner I wonder if you have ever had a conversation with her where you have allowed her to talk without judging her. Someone once set me this exercise with someone a bit like your mil and it was amazing - a turning point. I let her talk for as long as she wanted even if at times I was just going through the motions and making “listening” sounds while my mind was elsewhere but gradually I started to hear what she was really ysaying and it was extraordinary. For the first time I saw her as a unique person not just an annoyance. At the end of the “conversation” - it was just her speaking - she said something positive and concluded the conversation.

I have a feeling that many of us women may end up like mil because we are not properly heard, valued or listened to.

If she doesn't think DS1 should have a birthday meal clearly she doesn't want to add extra expense. She can stay home and eat toast

I am 😨 however at the shirts on the last exam day. Many schools would refuse to let them sit the exam, or make them change, or sit in isolation.

Why are you trying to control everyone’s conversations? You don’t like what she talks about - don’t listen. But don’t expect everyone else to not engage with her. Perhaps her grandchildren find her conversation points funny - your Dh certainly seems to do so. My mum was very similar and to a certain extent it used to annoy me, but when I realised her adult grandchildren absolutely loved her ways, I realised it was me, not her that needed to lighten up!

I understand the frustration OP!

I think, in future, you just don't include her to the 'main event' as her mood hoover behaviour depresses you. Its not fair on you.

Sorry I may have missed this but have you had a conversation with her following the meal out to tell her how upset she made you? Is it a case of she just doesn't realise how depressing she is to be around or does she just not care, do you think?

You sound like a bundle of joy yourself.

I am actually! But 44 years of this type of behaviour is a bloody life sentence!!

Making light of extremely poor behaviour demeans the impact it can have on people and especially children.

And I hate the way the word narcissist is bandied about these days.

I bet most people on this thread has been labelled a “narc” (even behind their back) when they have annoyed someone else.

It is a mental health disorder. So it might be bandied around sometimes, but it still is a personality disorder.

You have my sympathy op. She ruined what should have been a lovely family celebration. My father does exactly the same. You are stuck with her in your annexe now so try to find a way to deal with it. I have started politely but firmly telling my father to stop moaning and also I've stopped answering his ridiculous rants. I leave a silence in between and then change the subject. It takes all the wind out of his sails. You can't change them so you have to find a way to deal with it.

Out of interest, you say she ended up in your annex out of necessity over Covid and DFs illness - how did that come about? Did you already own your house complete with annex before you even considered them moving in or did your parents contribute financially to the purchase?
Living with family can be hard work - living with elderly parents even harder. There needs to be compromise all round. It sounds like you are sick of her living with you. Why can she not move into her own place?

I have voted YABU. You invited her even though you knew she would be a mood hoover. She acted entirely predictably.

Just because she lives in an annexe does not mean she has to come to every meal out with you. In fact you should start not inviting her.
You had another family occasion in the same week. Just invite her to that one.

For future events, maybe it's worth asking the kids what they think? Assuming the DT are the youngest, they're old enough to be asked their opinion. So if it's an event for them (exam celebration, birthday party) just ask - "hey, you know it's honestly up to you if we invite gran or not, I know she can be hard work at times. What do you think?".

Only you might find while you're fuming because you think she's ruining it for them, they actually find it really funny and don't care at all - and knowing that might make you less annoyed by it yourself in future?

Certainly I don't think you should feel obliged to invite her, even if she (sort of) lives with you. You don't have to lose all your time as a family unit because you moved her in!

she was just as 😡😱as us that some of the kids had swastikas and the N word written in their shirts today in the last day of exams. (In fact I’m extremely 🤬about that)

Please tell me this isn’t true. Where are we heading?

(Sorry to derail. My MIL used to go on about sharing desserts and not having starters but we all ignore her now. She’s marvellous fun on the right day though)

Did she have to go? Our family celebratory meals were just the four of us.
An annexe?! Oh my. The worst is yet to come. Any parent that is willing to move into an annexe in their DC property as they age only has one person as their priority.

Yes, you could. You did this to yourself. You absolutely could not invite her.