To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

Oh she’d says she’d be happy to die tomorrow. But it’s not really true. She doesn’t enjoy anything much now but I think that’s often the case at that age. Honestly if she didn’t have the dog to talk about I’d have lost the will myself by now

Yes. Unique you say.

So it’s very likely she’s completely different to the OP’s mother, who, brought the entire mood down and was extremely negative.

Also, some people don’t find un-PC comments (which turn out to be homophobic, sexist, racist etc.) funny.

Quite. But there you go,

YANBU. Well done for your DT’s finishing the exams, fingers crossed for good results and hope your DS has a fab birthday 🎂

Make this the last time you invite her to something important if you know she is going to ruin it.

Doesn't mean you never invite her to anything ever again, just be clear in your own mind which events you could cope with her and which ones you couldn't.

To be honest, I wish I'd been eating in the same pub because your family would've been great entertainment. I LOL'd at the funeral nature sounds just reading about it - seeing it played out in front of me would be great. And your DC & DH sound brilliant.

Sorry. (I voted in your favour.)

Three of our parents lived well into their nineties. I had been retired some time when my mother died. If a parent lives with you, you inevitably become a carer as they age. You lose a lot of the freedom that retirement promises. Inviting an elderly parent to live with you is an incredibly difficult decision. All of our parents had dementia in some form by the time they died. Looking after someone with dementia is hard.

She’s very right on and has upset the apple cart many times by being unable to hold her tongue on sexist comments. There are ways and means of calling out idiots at social gatherings and she has no filter.

she was just as 😡😱as us that some of the kids had swastikas and the N word written in their shirts today in the last day of exams. (In fact I’m extremely 🤬about that)

So what? Just because your mother was lovely and her ‘un PC thoughts’ were apparently hilarious, that doesn’t mean the OP’s mother is anything like yours.

Jilly Cooper got it right in her book about surviving a family Christmas. She complained about the women at drinks parties who wanted her to talk to their unique 'mummies' who were absolute treasures. In reality, she found herself making conversation with an eccentric, dismissive, rude old lady. Other people's elderly mothers, she concluded, were hard work, no matter how their daughters doted on them.

Tbh if you had the window open you might have heard her from where you are now anyway!

OP I have just read our your original post to my DH and he just laughed - sounds exactly like my DM. In fact my older teenage girls don’t really see her anymore and I’ve had to tell her to stop commenting on what why eat!! she’s also turned racist in her old age. It’s wry difficult.

What is do is invite her to some things but not others. For example, for DD15’s 16th birthday we will have a breakfasts at home which she can come to, then we will go out without her later.

My mistake was moving near her when the children were small thinking that would be helpful but she’s always been a nightmare and the small children bit passed so quickly. If only I’d known!

If you think MN is weird about mothers, it's even weirder about MILs. How have these awful women raised sons that women love ? The general contempt for MILs is staggering.

Why are you going on about MILs? The post is about OP’s mother. Who OP has kindly moved into her house. Have you moved your mum or MIL into your house?

I think @OddityOddityOdd means that many many women will impose their mothers on their families, and even ask them to live with them. Whereas the retailing view on Mumsnet is that all MILS are evil. Most men have to put up with their MILS playing a major part in their lives. Few women would tolerate that from their MILS. I can't imagine this scenario, where a family has the Dad's mother accompany them on all outings.

There was a thread on MN a few months ago where a husband objected to his wife texting her mother multiple times a day( including, before and after sex, though thankfully not during it). The OP cheerfully admitted that as soon as her Dad died, she would move her mother in with them.
There are a lot of women on MN who have their mother as their primary relationship, even though they have a husband and children, and even though their mothers are not nice to them.

Well, women have had to move to their DHs family through many eras of humanity going back to the year dot; so we’ve often had no choice but to tolerate MILs

Damn, I missed it. If only I'd known!

Or just stop sharing your plans and go out without telling her?

If she complains, remind her she doesn't believe in eating out and she was so sad at the last family celebration she was talking about her own funeral.

Lol, the daughters clearly knew what pitas their mothers were, or they wouldn't have dumped them at the parties.

What a really sad and difficult situation, I feel for you. I think there are options instead of the wry humour go full on ballistic in terms of taking the p* at her expense. Shut her down at every attempt to make the conversation about her and her morbid topics. Stop inviting her and if she asks why you have stopped tell her straight.
The sad thing is when the inevitable happens and she isn't around anymore you will miss her. I hope you manage to find some resolution.

She’s Debbie Downer!

Well next time, instead of letting her be an unpleasant old cow and making you cry, you can just not invite her. It doesn’t matter that she lives in the annexe, you don’t have to take her everywhere you go.
”Aren’t I invited?”
”No mum, not after last time when you spoilt our DTs meal out by carping at them, commenting about how much people were eating and talking about death.”

My DM is also 85 and can be "trying" at times but I love her and know that I'll be bereft when she's gone. If she says something annoying, I ignore it or tease her about it, depending on the situation. I couldn't not invite her to a family gathering - I'd feel guilty and unkind. She's lonely. It's tough, OP, I know.