To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

Put her in a home.

But it feels as though everyone feels qualified to make the diagnosis these days.

OP, mothers and daughters rub each other up the wrong way all the time. It's standard family stuff. I'll bet she'd have plenty to say about you - perhaps you should search for a post on Gransnet!

Some people are qualified to make a diagnosis. Narcissists generally lack the self awareness to understand there is a problem, so getting a diagnosis in the first place can be a challenge.

Ops relative may just feel overlooked, she may also be depressed which is more common in this age bracket than most people imagine.

It depends whether she has always been like this, or if her behaviour is quite new and how she is feeling in herself. Is this normal for her? It’s extremely hard to live with someone like this - especially next door, but I accept what you say - actually listening, caring and seeing the whole person can be transformational for someone that feels ignored and misunderstood. I am not sure I like the idea of her being ridiculed openly. That doesn’t feel very kind.

Don't invite her in the future and if she asks, tell her straight why not.

I might think someone’s behaviour is narcissistic, but I wouldn’t label them a narc, though. I - like most of the population - am not qualified to make a diagnosis.

I agree with you about depression amongst seniors.

In that case, It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

that seems surprising.

I would organise the next meal out without her and if she comments-tell her she didn’t enjoy the last one and spent it talking about her death, so nobody else did either.

What do the kids think? If it gets them down I wouldn't invite her, if they find it funny I'd just get on with it. My mother got a bit funny? Not sure how to describe it, in her latter years, I found some of it excruciating but my kids loved it and so did their friends. Twenty years on some of grans sayings are still things they bring up. On the other hand late MIL often upset them with her equally odd antics. Its hard to predict how these things go down.

👍 agree with this.

Sympathies OP, she sounds like my own mum, I love her but she's an utter mood hoover.

Mine too. She came to the private view of an exhibition of my work ,ignored all the work and said how nice the floors in the gallery were. My sons are 30 and 31now. They know what she's like and we laugh about her classic cunty comments. You have my sympathy Op.My mum's 85 too.

It seems few posters have paid attention to this comment by OP.

She may have no filter but at least, if I understand correctly, she also has no time for sexist comments. Good for her.

As for the swastikas and N word on the shirts, is that on OP's kids shirts or their friends? I'm shocked at that.

Sounds like you just wanted a vent on here - vent away!

could you download the vid of a gorilla doing a big fart for the next time DM wants noises from nature?

Noooooo!
my kids were telling me about other kids at school that happily had this drawn on their shirts by other kids in the usual tradition where you get your friends to draw on their shirt on the last day of their exams!

my kids were equally 😱😱😱😱. They were telling us because they were 😱. They’re at a rural school which contrasts starkly with their pre-Covid school in a v diverse inner city school where anything racist meant instant exclusion and shame. Kids in the sticks in an overwhelmingly white school haven’t got the memo ( to put it mildly). My kids very much have.

Glad you've clarified that, OP!

My MIL is a "war baby" too- exact same age as your mum. She takes us out to restaurants all the time and insists on paying. She has health problems so a limited diet which is tricky to accommodate, so often needs to make menu adjustments so she tips well too.
Stop making excuses for your DM. She's a miserable sod. Don't invite her out again and tell her why!

It's easier when it's another generation removed. My daughter knows that my mother only operates on a very small-talk superficial level and that her needs are that we all reflect back her view of herself as perfect and the rest of us as needing all of her wisdom and guidance. It infuriates me to be so unheard, invalidated, patronised et cetera but my daughter just says, yeh, but it was tea and cake and fifty euro so ................ just smile and wave smile and wave mum.
It's harder for me.

School didn’t see them I don’t think. I might me letting them know though…..

I do sometimes leave her out, and she tires too much for full family day trips now

This is your answer - no more meals out, family fun days instead.

Good for you. They can still ban them from school grounds.

She's 85. I would put up with this. And still take her to meals.
But I don't belive in calling very elderly people miserable sods for a fairly small offence or putting them in homes for that either.

Sorry has anyone ever met a grumpy 85 year old before? Why take anting personally? They don’t understand modern life and they complain all the time about everything.

Not all of them but a bloody lot. And yes she might just have always been like this but that generation aren’t like any other same as ours won’t be one day.

I think it’s lovely that she’s close by whinging and not in a care home with dementia being forgotten about by family.

OP believe it or not …. One day you’re going to MISS this and be laughing about it.

Your family your celebration up to you how ever many meals/parties/sleepovers etc you have, you are paying! nah next time leave her at home if neccessary force the kids to go see granny next day. remember at that age its excruciatingly bad enough having your folks there without grumpy gran as well. kids just facing their future and she is on about death great

I will be moaning at 85 too..Much as I think I won't be.