To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

[Milliondoll]

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

”One day she won’t be here any more” is constantly used on MN to guilt trip people into tolerating horrible behaviour by nasty parents. My mother became very nasty, malicious and manipulative as she got older and it was extremely difficult to be in her company. So I didn’t see her much. I loved her but didn’t like her any more. When she died I grieved but I don’t miss her.

My mum had form for this too… with her it was bitterness due to not being in control of every situation ever. (She was the Master of the Universe, you know?”. Aside from that, she was an anorexic chain-smoker who was bitter about not being able to smoke when and where (she smoked over 100 cigs a day at home) and was obsessed with everyone else’s food and weight. She also had a voice like a fog horn. I remember being in line to order while she sat at the table with my kids (then little), hearing “Fraaahnces??? FRAHNCES!!! Did you see the size of that lesbian?” from the other side of the room. Said woman was literally right behind me in the queue. I covered my face in horror and apologized profusely to the (quite appropriately) furious woman, and lied, saying “I’m so sorry. She has dementia. The filter’s gone.” (Which wasn’t true, btw…). The woman immediately softened and gave me a hug saying “I’m going through that journey with my own mum. It’s so hard, isn’t it?” I don’t think I’ve ever felt more guilty in my life. (Meanwhile, explaining to my mum in the car after lunch why I had been hugged by a stranger was gratifying)

I would have suggested to her that the meal would be too tiring for her & left her at home with something nice to eat. It must be frustrating when you can't have a meal out just you, dh & kids sometimes.

I think your dh and dc have the right approach!
You can’t change her so you might as well find the humour in it and stop letting her stress you out

My Mum also has form for making events about her, complaining, making snide comments about what people are wearing/eating etc. The last thing we invited her to was an event dc2's primary school. They are now near the end of secondary. Have not invited her to a single concert or event related to school/birthdays etc., since. She just can't do it without ruining it for everyone. My oldest DC have so many memories of ruined events.

I wish it could be different but it can't so I've given myself permission to make choices based on my reality, not what I wish the reality was.

Sorry you experience this too!

Oh my god. Is it possible to go into hiding so you never have to see her again?
I am just, barely, by a smidgin, joking.
But I'm sorry she brought your DC's special occasion down like that OP, so mean.

If you want to consider historically, most men have not been asked to care for either their mum or their mil, but have expected their wife to. Most men have been able to leave to the pub or dictate the tv, and have not substantially helped with housework so insofar as having their mil stay is a burden, it’s a burden that’s not fallen on them. It’s been quite quite different for women in the reverse, and still is rather different.

She wanted to make it all about her so next time you do just that. No, mum, we don’t want to drag you out, you didn’t enjoy the restaurant last time, you have a nice night in with the telly.

You could always try taking her at her word....

She doesn't enjoy food, so don't invite her to meals.

She harps on about her funeral so get some brochures from the undertakers and see how happy she is.

Use your imagination. Instead of getting angry - and I truly know how hard that is - turn the tables. If you take her literally then she'll have very little to complain about, even though she'll try.

You did a good thing in taking her in. It just shouldn't be your martyrdom. If she starts on about feeling her age, then get brochures for care homes. That should shut her up. With a bit of luck they'll have a euthanasia program.

MIL is being a cow so needs to be treated appropriately. Good luck!

At last, a sensible response. Honestly, some of the posts on this thread are beyond ridiculous. People have been putting up with trying behaviour for years, it's what you do when you love someone. And invariably the people you think are trying will also have times when they think you are trying - yes, even you, perfect mothers on MN!

Pot kettle black on the toxicity.

She sounds like a normal old person I’m guessing she’s late 70’s
my mums the same think it’s they get very insular and it all becomes about them because basically they have nothing going on in there life
tbh you can literally predict what there going to say and issues there’ll moan about

everyone round the table would predict it and expect it and to a point amuse them but today it grated on you

engage with it then shut it down about the funeral I would briefly listened so she knew she had my attention then told her you have no pen to write her wishes down we’ll leave it for now and you’ll pop in tomorrow and plan her funeral if she wants

dint swim against the tide you will not change her and just wind yourself up deep breath and eye roll

The sad thing is when the inevitable happens and she isn't around anymore you will miss her.

Why do people always type this crap with such conviction? My parents are elderly and I have responsibility for them. They gave me a shit childhood and are negative and judgemental. I won’t miss them when they die but will feel relief. Don’t assume about others’ relationships and quote trite cliches at them.

There is a current thread about the overwhelming responsibility of caring for an elderly mother, running alongside this thread. It may help to give you some perspective. It is on AIBU at the moment

Moving miles away from parent in care home http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5097106-moving-miles-away-from-parent-in-care-home

Astonished at the callousness of people on this thread. This is your MOTHER. Yes she’s a pain. Yes she’s 85 years old. Yes you’re an angel for living with her and including her on outings. And yes it’s fine to vent online about how much she winds you up. You may roll her eyes and laugh at what she says, but don’t exclude her from the family just because she’s a bit odd. How would you feel if you were 85 years old, widowed, living with your child’s family, and they don’t even invite you for a celebration meal?

Seriously. The replies on this thread. This is why so many old people die alone in hospitals and nursing homes. So sad.

It's really not why old people die in hospitals and nursing homes.

They die in hospitals because they have loving families who hoped they would get better.

Or in care homes because looking after someone for years is exhausting, lots of families don't have a woman (it usually is a woman) who stays at home to look after children and elderly relatives, and elderly people no longer die quickly of pneumonia in the first winter but live on with increasingly complex medical and nursing needs.

reading your op was like reading about my grandmother (only 10 years older than your mother so similar era). We just kind of tune it out, laugh about it later, don’t engage and don’t let her ruin things : we do have to comment when she starts loudly talking about the “fatties”. No she doesn’t have dementia, she’s been loudly pointing out overweight people since the 1980s (and probably earlier but that’s as far as I can remember)

You can.

Maybe you need to do something other than family meals to celebrate.

Do things that she actually can't do like plan a trip to Alton Towers with them or a trip to London.

So tomorrow you say, "as you clearly don't enjoy eating out and ruined the whole evening for us by your talk of funerals, we'll be going with just the kids next time to save you the stress. "

She's not too old to understand that her behaviour is not on.

Or- you stuck it up and try to laugh it off, hard though it is.

Well, as she thinks DC1 has already had their "combined" birthday meal, don't invite her to their actual birthday meal. If she finds out or discovers that you've all gone out, tell her that she gave the impression she didn't enjoy the last meal with all the negative chat so decided it was best to go without her as she bummed everyone out last time. Tell her you'll stop inviting her out until she cracks a smile. Does she ever have a laugh about anything or is everything she talks about doom, gloom and negativity?

Selfish! She needs telling.

I don't understand why if there's no cognitive issues why if they're worried about being lonely they don't act and behave better then?

Next time, don’t invite her!
Edited to say my MIL has come out with some corkers in the past few years at family meals but we all just eye roll now.
Recently she insulted me and I was pretty upset for a few days as it hit a nerve. DH told her off in no uncertain terms and she did apologise. BIL was sitting next to me and said ‘just ignore her, she does it to everyone’, but when it’s personal it’s not nice.

Just don't take her any more. If she asks why tell her she doesn't enjoy eating out and is always moaning.