To make my husband sleep outside.

[FarawayFlower]

My husband frequently goes out after work for drinks with his colleagues, boss and the senior leaders at his work. He has a very well paid and respected job, and claims that city culture (London) very much promotes this aspect of his work. I do not have a problem with this, and I do know that much of the networking within his field does come from staying out for drinks and dinner after work.

HOWEVER, my husband never, ever takes a key to our home out with him! He asks me to leave the back door unlocked, which I do not feel comfortable doing as we have three small children, one of which is a baby. Even if it was just me in the house, I would not want to leave it unlocked. My flat was burgled a few years before I met my husband and this has made me even more vigilant about security. I do not understand why he cannot just take a key with him. The last few times he has come home, he has woken me (and probably the neighbours) up by ringing the door bell, calling my phone, knocking on the door. This is all after midnight.

He has just messaged me to say he is on his way home and to leave the back door unlocked. I have told him that if he does not have a key, he will need to sleep on the sofa in the outbuilding as I am not leaving the door unlocked, neither am I prepared to be woken up in the middle of the night to let him in!!

He’s now got really shitty with me telling me I am being unreasonable. Am I?

He’s a man who is capable of handling a big career—managing people, running meetings, meeting targets, etc, yet he can’t handle carrying a key? Yet he can presumably carry a wallet, phone, laptop, and briefcase? He can either learn to be a big boy and carry a key, or he can be home before bedtime. Simples.

He thinks you are his private door opener.

Literally in the garden and it's raining you would BU, but you have an outbuilding with a sofa so I think it's fine. It's not like you haven't told him several times before that leaving the door unlocked is not acceptable to you.

If he's getting that rat arsed that losing a key is a possibility I'm not sure I'd want him back that night at all tbh.

Hide a key out the front

What the hell is wrong with this man? I'm afraid my patience would have run out after doing it twice, and he would sleeping outside!!

Your home owner's insurance won't cover you if you're burgled during one of those times.

He's a selfish idiot.

Perhaps consider an out of sight lockbox somewhere.

What happened? Did he sleep outside or did you relent?

Exactly. He can put a house key in his wallet.

You need a lock box

Can you get a key safe?

He's a grown man why can't he carry a fucking key??????

Key safe is the new Cancel the Cheque haha.

I know a lot of these city guys because of my work and they would think he was completely pathetic if they knew.

What a selfish git. It takes no effort to have your keys on you. Is he selfish in other ways?

RB68 · Today 11:00
get a ruddy key lock and stop being a drama queen.

Am I allowed to say stop being an ignorant man pleasing arse, or will my post be deleted?

He slept outside in the outbuilding despite his protestations (which has a sofa, heater and TV so he was hardly hard done by, for those concerned!)

Funnily enough he is going to get another key cut whilst we are in town today, to ensure he can keep it in his work bag and always has a spare in future!

Get him a key safe. Or a kennel.

It’s a control thing.
He needs to be locked outside a few times before he’ll get the message.

Or a key safe and switch off the door bell.

Those of you who say let him in if it’s before 1am, I’d have to set my alarm as I go to bed early ( 10ish) for work.

The baby is up at 5am so I am definitely not waiting up until 1am.

Well done OP.

That's good news @FarawayFlower. Remember about the boundaries thing - his little weird belief that you should do things for him will surface in some other way. For me, when my husband had been left outside for ages on two occasions because I refused to open the door, he stopped doing it. But then he started randomly asking for lifts at inconvenient times / to awkward places and getting most upset when I wouldn't give them.

Keep an eye out for repeat behaviour, I think a previous PP had a really good point when they said, "I don't understand why this is so hard - this should be a 30 second conversation" (or something to that effect) - if you're thinking that about something going ok between you two then that's your red flag to get reflective and see if it might be part of a pattern!

Strange how once you keep a boundary they change their behaviour.

Remember this for the next time. People never pay attention to what you say. They pay attention to what you do.

He may have slept in the garden room, but he still caused distress for the OP, when she has to be up early with the baby.

For those saying it's not 'hard' that's presuming that you are having a '30 second' conversation with someone who is on your side, someone who would never dream of leaving the door unlocked, or asking you to.
Someone who would not be waking up his sleep deprived partner and his kids after coming in at 1.00 rat arsed.
Someone who would carry a key, lock up carefully behind him (you know, so as not to cause the mother of his children undue stress) and have a bit of consideration.
I am guessing here, but an easy, 30 second conversation with him? I don't think so.

He is a jerk, and I hope he had to sleep in a puddle.

Reading your post felt like I could have written it.
I had the same situation with dh not taking a key and expecting me to leave door unlocked or even worse put the key somewhere outside!! We also have 3 young kids. Unacceptable and ridiculous and obviously not something you would do so end up not sleeping and waiting for them!!

This became a habit and I realise now that I allowed it by not making his life difficult.
I got very angry and I warned him that I would not be doing it again and if he didn’t take the keys with him, he would need to stay at his friends because I was locking the door. After being warned if you follow through, then that’s on your DH. I did have to lose it with him.

Mine is going out tonight and he knows he needs his key to get in. But it needed to be spelt out.
people like our DHs are happy for a situation to continue if it works for them!

Well done you. Amazing how easily resolvable these situations become when you make it THEIR PROBLEM. But I’m a bit concerned- what kind of self centred turd expects the wife who is up with the dc overnight and up at 5 with the baby to wake up and let him in? I’d be waking him regularly ‘could you walk petunia back to her bed , it won’t take any longer than waking me up to answer the bloody door for you.’