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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make my husband sleep outside.

266 replies

FarawayFlower · 14/06/2024 23:13

My husband frequently goes out after work for drinks with his colleagues, boss and the senior leaders at his work. He has a very well paid and respected job, and claims that city culture (London) very much promotes this aspect of his work. I do not have a problem with this, and I do know that much of the networking within his field does come from staying out for drinks and dinner after work.

HOWEVER, my husband never, ever takes a key to our home out with him! He asks me to leave the back door unlocked, which I do not feel comfortable doing as we have three small children, one of which is a baby. Even if it was just me in the house, I would not want to leave it unlocked. My flat was burgled a few years before I met my husband and this has made me even more vigilant about security. I do not understand why he cannot just take a key with him. The last few times he has come home, he has woken me (and probably the neighbours) up by ringing the door bell, calling my phone, knocking on the door. This is all after midnight.

He has just messaged me to say he is on his way home and to leave the back door unlocked. I have told him that if he does not have a key, he will need to sleep on the sofa in the outbuilding as I am not leaving the door unlocked, neither am I prepared to be woken up in the middle of the night to let him in!!

He’s now got really shitty with me telling me I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
TuesdayQ · 14/06/2024 23:34

If he isn't going to change I'd really recommend getting a keysafe for outside; that should stop him leaving the door unlocked too?

FOJN · 14/06/2024 23:37

Next time he goes out book yourself into a hotel for the night or go and stay with friends so you're not at home when he comes back. Text him to tell him you won't be at home when he gets back and then put your phone on silent and have a good night's sleep.

I could not be with someone who was so casual about my safety and household security.

2dogsandabudgie · 14/06/2024 23:37

Can't you just leave a key somewhere outside for him to use?

Garlicker · 14/06/2024 23:38

TyneTeas · 14/06/2024 23:27

He can get one if he doesn't want to take a key

Correct response - but, in OP's position, I think I'd put pragmatism before principle.

ErrolTheDragon · 14/06/2024 23:40

Achdinnae · 14/06/2024 23:25

Get an external key-safe.

Or rather, tell him to get one. And meanwhile, he should just do what every other competent adult in the country does and carry a key ffs.

For tonight maybe hide one outside and tell him where it is. But YANBU to be completely fed up with this weird irresponsibility

Famfirst · 14/06/2024 23:40

Just leave the door unlocked. I've been burgled too but my door is unlocked 24/7 whether I'm in or not and has been for goodness knows how many years.

pizzaHeart · 14/06/2024 23:45

FarawayFlower · 14/06/2024 23:21

@pizzaHeart If I am not home to let him in he will just leave the back door unlocked, much to my protests.

I will let him in this time but then I would tell him that it’s the last time and would stop doing it. I think it’s better to start doing this during the day.
It’s so weird his behavior why he is not taking his keys???? I know it’s not a question for you, you behave normally.

Orders76 · 14/06/2024 23:49

While I do think he's an absolute moron for suggesting that's ok for you or your children, I wouldn't dream of leaving my partner to sleep outside.

I would however be telling him that if he can't carry a key on nights out, he needs to find a way of leaving one out for himself that doesn't involve putting anyone at risk.

JamieFraserSporran · 14/06/2024 23:53

2dogsandabudgie · 14/06/2024 23:37

Can't you just leave a key somewhere outside for him to use?

That's far too sensible a solution for MN 😂

Ivesaidenough · 14/06/2024 23:57

I had a work colleague who thought it was completely reasonable never to carry his house key. "Someone's always home" he said.
He was an intelligent bloke. I couldn't understand why he didn't see how it might affect his wife.

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/06/2024 00:01

He is an idiot and you're doing rhe right thing.

dancingdaisies · 15/06/2024 00:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Avatartar · 15/06/2024 00:05

Install a key safe in the outbuilding you mentioned

uncomfortablydumb53 · 15/06/2024 00:05

How hard is it to take a key with him?! It's not as if they're heavy
He's Selfish and YANBU at all

ErrolTheDragon · 15/06/2024 00:13

I wouldn't dream of leaving my partner to sleep outside.

She's not, there's an outbuilding with a sofa. It's not that cold a night... if there's some sort of blanket out there he'll survive. Though he may need to recycle his evenings drinks a la Bob Flowerdew.

JollyHostess101 · 15/06/2024 00:16

Achdinnae · 14/06/2024 23:25

Get an external key-safe.

100% this then he can just get said key out when he’s home!!

Nclow · 15/06/2024 00:22

I had this with my DH not taking a key when he went out to exercise.

Set a boundary OP. Boundaries are something that do not require the other person to do anything. They simply state clearly what you are or are not going to do. You set them and then it's very important to follow through.

"I want to let you know that I won't let you in anymore when you don't have a key".

You don't have to explain and you don't have to give him suggestions as to how he can deal with the situation. He knows it's disruptive and he knows he could just take a key or leave one out somewhere. He's doing it because somewhere in his brain he thinks that letting him in is something you should do for him (probably for a reason related to power or control) and he doesn't care that it's disruptive or unsafe for you, because on a deep level he doesn't value your time or right to rest as much as he should.

Then you follow through. Don't let him in. He will flap and get annoyed and try to guilt or force you into doing it. Don't, this is what people do when they run up against a boundary - they try to force it down and get over it. State your boundary again and again until he figures out that it's not going to come down just because he kicked off.

After you don't let him in once or twice he won't do it again.

Stay firm and good luck.

TequilaNights · 15/06/2024 00:25

I would invest in a key safe and put it up in the outbuilding so it's concealed but he can get in without disturbing you or making you keep doors unlocked.

Doesn't help tonight but it's cheap and will solve your issue.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 15/06/2024 00:26

He needs to take a key but you was awake so what’s the issue

D3vonmaid · 15/06/2024 00:30

YANBU he can hold down a serious London job but can’t look after a house key? FFS make him sleep in the shed, I hope it’s cold, wet and very uncomfortable.

ErrolTheDragon · 15/06/2024 00:32

Itsbritneybitch22 · 15/06/2024 00:26

He needs to take a key but you was awake so what’s the issue

He will be another hour and a half. I’m already in bed and want to go to sleep.

She wants to be asleep (hopefully is by now) at the time he's due home.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/06/2024 00:36

Key safe or change back door to a combination lock.

Ginkypig · 15/06/2024 01:34

why the f should she do anything. Key safe or combination lock. It’s not her job to find an alternative!

he takes a key or he can’t access the house

it’s not like it’s hard to stick a very small light item in a pocket

Geppili · 15/06/2024 01:35

He is a fucking moron.

gotthearse · 15/06/2024 03:09

He's a twat. Put some earplugs in and send him out to buy a key safe once his hangover clears.

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