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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make my husband sleep outside.

266 replies

FarawayFlower · 14/06/2024 23:13

My husband frequently goes out after work for drinks with his colleagues, boss and the senior leaders at his work. He has a very well paid and respected job, and claims that city culture (London) very much promotes this aspect of his work. I do not have a problem with this, and I do know that much of the networking within his field does come from staying out for drinks and dinner after work.

HOWEVER, my husband never, ever takes a key to our home out with him! He asks me to leave the back door unlocked, which I do not feel comfortable doing as we have three small children, one of which is a baby. Even if it was just me in the house, I would not want to leave it unlocked. My flat was burgled a few years before I met my husband and this has made me even more vigilant about security. I do not understand why he cannot just take a key with him. The last few times he has come home, he has woken me (and probably the neighbours) up by ringing the door bell, calling my phone, knocking on the door. This is all after midnight.

He has just messaged me to say he is on his way home and to leave the back door unlocked. I have told him that if he does not have a key, he will need to sleep on the sofa in the outbuilding as I am not leaving the door unlocked, neither am I prepared to be woken up in the middle of the night to let him in!!

He’s now got really shitty with me telling me I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
Aussieland · 15/06/2024 09:11

mumofthree22 · 15/06/2024 08:15

Get a key box installed outside. Banging on the door at that time is very inconsiderate especially waking his own wife and kids up!

HE can organise a key box or leave a key somewhere safe: it’s for his benefit

Topofthemountain · 15/06/2024 09:12

UpTheAnte · 15/06/2024 08:36

This type of conversation in a relationship baffles me - where someone has to be right, and the other person wrong. Total non-event.

Mine doesn't like taking his keys either so I used to hide a key. Started to get a bit jittery about it as we had been burgled in the past so we had a 30 second conversation and ordered a keysafe. End.

I agree.

So many situations could be resolved before boiling over into resentment by just having a conversation.

NotTHATMelania · 15/06/2024 09:14

Ginkypig · 15/06/2024 01:34

why the f should she do anything. Key safe or combination lock. It’s not her job to find an alternative!

he takes a key or he can’t access the house

it’s not like it’s hard to stick a very small light item in a pocket

Yes, I was thinking combination lock (we have one) or key safe ........ although it crossed my mind to wonder if he was likely to come back so pissed he couldn't remember the code.
And of course the key has to go back in the key safe at once, which you probably can't count on him remembering to do.

Aussieland · 15/06/2024 09:19

RedHelenB · 15/06/2024 08:50

Yabu. He's on his way home and he's as entitled to sleep in it as you are.

He is very welcome to sleep in his bed. Just needs to take a key so he can get in. Why should OP stay up to 1am to let him in because he can’t be bothered to take a key? As a one off sure. As a regular thing no. This isn’t a mistake it’s a CONSCIOUS decision to inconvenience her

Mischance · 15/06/2024 09:28

There are specialist therapists for people with key phobia .... he needs to research these.

anunlikelyseahorse · 15/06/2024 09:34

The kids can get him a nice keyring for Father's Day. Hopefully he'll then feel obliged to use it and carry his key around.

oustedbymymate · 15/06/2024 09:39

This is mental. Absolutely mental. A fully grown adult with an 'important' job can't take a key to his own home so insists his partner stays up for him to return whenever from a bender or risk an intruder to his three children. WTF. Never mind not taking key I wouldn't be unlocking it ever. It's so bloody selfish.

If he feels that strongly about it get a key safe lock box outside. It's mental

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/06/2024 09:43

anunlikelyseahorse · 15/06/2024 09:34

The kids can get him a nice keyring for Father's Day. Hopefully he'll then feel obliged to use it and carry his key around.

Haha! Brilliant plan

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/06/2024 09:46

Tell him that for insurance purposes, the house needs to be locked when you're not in or asleep in bed. If you get robbed, the insurance company won't pay out.

AND he should take security seriously because he cares about his wife and children's safety as his number one priority. If he continues with this negligent behaviour, he will be coming home to an empty house, because you'll be leaving!

dscisaknob · 15/06/2024 09:47

He takes a key or he doesn't get back in. The End.
Tell him that's what's happening and stick to it.
If he wants to come up with a different solution such as a key safe, that's up to him.
I don't see why you should be expected to either wait up for him or get up to let him in and nor do I see why you should be put at risk of burglary or worse by leaving the door unlocked because a grown man is not capable of finding a solution to something like this. What would he do if he lived on his own? Leave his property unlocked so anybody could walk in and steal stuff while he's out drinking? Nope. He'd lock the door and take his fucking keys with him.

cansu · 15/06/2024 09:48

Key safe might be best way going forward but I cannot get to grip with a grown person not having his own key!!

Scruffily · 15/06/2024 09:50

RedHelenB · 15/06/2024 08:50

Yabu. He's on his way home and he's as entitled to sleep in it as you are.

The point is that it's him preventing OP from sleeping in her home. Both of them could sleep in it when they want to if he would just carry a key like everyone else.

PashaMinaMio · 15/06/2024 09:54

Achdinnae · 14/06/2024 23:25

Get an external key-safe.

A key safe from Amazon is your answer. Or, just leave a key hidden somewhere.

I cannot believe that in this day and age he would be so selfish and inconsiderate for his family’s safety and welfare.

randomchap · 15/06/2024 10:22

PashaMinaMio · 15/06/2024 09:54

A key safe from Amazon is your answer. Or, just leave a key hidden somewhere.

I cannot believe that in this day and age he would be so selfish and inconsiderate for his family’s safety and welfare.

I really don't think it's selfish or inconsiderate, it's worse than that, it's controlling.

By not taking a key, knowing that his wife will not leave the house unlocked, he's making sure that she stays at home while he's not there.

AutumnCrow · 15/06/2024 10:23

I suspect that the following might happen re the key safe:

OP will be told organise it;
If the H has to, he will buy a cheap, flimsy one;
He will make a big noise coming in;
He won’t return the key to the key safe;
He won’t lock the back door after him;
He may even leave the key on the outside of the door;
He may lose that key.

Yes, I’ve all this in previous house mates and ex partners ^^

LividPink · 15/06/2024 10:29

Get a key box.

Tbf I'm in a village, but I hate having to take keys for a run so I just use the key box that I originally bought for tradesmen.

Sparklyrose · 15/06/2024 10:39

What bizarre behaviour from your husband 🤯

TyneTeas · 15/06/2024 10:58

How are things this morning ? @FarawayFlower

RB68 · 15/06/2024 11:00

get a ruddy key lock and stop being a drama queen.

MouseMama · 15/06/2024 11:01

You’re not being unreasonable but buy a key safe to put a key in for him on nights like this.

Mostlyoblivious · 15/06/2024 11:05

Install a key lock and disconnect the doorbell when you go to bed. No, you shouldn’t have to do any of this as your husband is being massively unreasonable. I hope you managed some sleep

Ohnobackagain · 15/06/2024 11:07

@FarawayFlower once had a boyfriend who would do anything to avoid taking a key. His parents got so sick of it they staged a burglary ‘because he left the door unlocked’ and were sitting in the conservatory looking glum having tipped the ground floor upside down for effect. Of course they had to let him in on it eventually and he never did it again 🫣

BigDahliaFan · 15/06/2024 11:08

Growlybear83 · 14/06/2024 23:33

I would be irritated by my husband not having a key, but I think it's unreasonable not to let him in if he's back by about 1.

I GoTo bed at 10, id find it ridiculously unreasonable. It’s a form of control….I'm more important than you.

Beautifulbythebay · 15/06/2024 11:11

He sees you as staff op. And a night door person...

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/06/2024 11:13

Can you leave a key in the outbuilding for him in future?