To make my husband sleep outside.

[FarawayFlower]

My husband frequently goes out after work for drinks with his colleagues, boss and the senior leaders at his work. He has a very well paid and respected job, and claims that city culture (London) very much promotes this aspect of his work. I do not have a problem with this, and I do know that much of the networking within his field does come from staying out for drinks and dinner after work.

HOWEVER, my husband never, ever takes a key to our home out with him! He asks me to leave the back door unlocked, which I do not feel comfortable doing as we have three small children, one of which is a baby. Even if it was just me in the house, I would not want to leave it unlocked. My flat was burgled a few years before I met my husband and this has made me even more vigilant about security. I do not understand why he cannot just take a key with him. The last few times he has come home, he has woken me (and probably the neighbours) up by ringing the door bell, calling my phone, knocking on the door. This is all after midnight.

He has just messaged me to say he is on his way home and to leave the back door unlocked. I have told him that if he does not have a key, he will need to sleep on the sofa in the outbuilding as I am not leaving the door unlocked, neither am I prepared to be woken up in the middle of the night to let him in!!

He’s now got really shitty with me telling me I am being unreasonable. Am I?

My husband never takes a key but I’ll just either let him in or leave the door unlocked I’m not bothered.

also though, I’ve never heard of networking / client entertaining in the city taking place on Friday nights ( especially so late) , post covid . They are just piss up nights!!

So hea comfortable with the idea of three sleeping children and a sleeping wife in a dark house with the back door open for anyone to get in!? I couldn't sleep knowing the home was insecure. Plus you say you have a baby, why should you stay up so late for him when you'll be tired from the evening of looking after them plus two other children (assuming he goes for drinks right from work).

As other's have said, contents insurance void if a break in and an unlocked door, however the fact his wife and kids are in an unsafe position should be motivation enough to take his key! Or a key safe on the wall but you shouldn't have to do this. Following through and locking up might be your only recourse, and of course he'll turn it on you. But noone expects a burglary, or a home invasion. He might have a false sense of security from growing up in a village (incidentally I live in a village after moving from London, and ppl have had issues with their doors being tried during the night by someone/people, so it's not like they're all safe 100% of the time). What if he came home to something awful, bit late then!

If he's earning loads he probably feels you should facilitate his lifestyle in recompense but that's not how marriage works.

This type of conversation in a relationship baffles me - where someone has to be right, and the other person wrong. Total non-event.

Mine doesn't like taking his keys either so I used to hide a key. Started to get a bit jittery about it as we had been burgled in the past so we had a 30 second conversation and ordered a keysafe. End.

If he can’t be an adult and carry a key, he needs to make alternative arrangements. He should source a key box, buy it & fit it.
It’s not ok for your sleep/security to be compromised for his inability to adult.

Leaving the back door unlocked not only leaves you vulnerable (note crime/burglaries are massively u where I live) but also invalidates your insurance.

Tell him to carry a key or get home by 11.

I’ve had my own key since I was 11, I assume her husband is a tad older than that. He needs to get a grip and stop being so selfish and casual about his families safety. It shouldn’t need to come to it that they stash the key outside just because he refuses to take his.

Even if she does get an outside key box thing who’s to say a man this irresponsible wouldn’t frequently claim he forgot the combination pin again ? OP needs to tackle the underlying issues which seems to be arrogance and disregard for his wife’s safet & needs. The fact he is OK to leave the door unlocked despite his wife saying she feels uncomfortable, just because he couldn’t be arsed taking a key is very concerning. It points to wider problems which will show up in other areas if it’s not addressed.

Why?

@FarawayFlower really not normal behaviour and it’s controlling.
Tell him to confirm with the house insurance that you leave the house unlocked and empty and ask if he would be happy that his landing office leaves the back door unlocked?Really not normal behaviour

You forgot to also say that you smoked and took thalidomide during pregnancy and your kids were fine and you don’t wear a seat belt or a helmet riding your pushbike on the motorway. FFS

I would have left it open last night and slept on the sofa, before the stairs to the kids bedrooms, BUT I would have told him, it's the last time. Take his keys, like an adult, or sleep in the outbuilding.

but I wouldn't be in that position because I wouldn't be with such a melon or if somehow I was, I'd have said 'no' the first time

@FarawayFlower what happened last night?

Take a key with you it’s not that hard. He’s an adult.

Sounds like he’s a bit of a selfish tit who doesn’t care about you or the kids. I could bet he doesn’t do much to help around the house either.
Sounds like my husband who I’m separated from now. Work was more important than anything to him, and he said his job was so important he couldn’t get up with the kids when they were little! He’d rather go to the pub, or carry on working than come home, anything rather than helping us all, and stopping me from burning out 😭 blaming my parenting for our daughters autistics struggles. Never did anything nice with the kids for me. My daughter is currently paining a canvas for her dad for father’s days tomorrow. He manipulated my kindness so that I was doing absolutely everything

He's supposedly an adult. He should trust himself to take a key and to be able to use it. Does he have a problem that prevents him from being able to successfully keep a key about his person then use that key to open a door?

You could consider leaving the door unlocked and taking yourself and the kids off to a local hotel to sleep securely. When he (eventually, perhaps in the morning) realises he's in an empty house and has zero idea of what's happened to you all, maybe he'll develop some appreciation of why you don't want to be leaving the door unlocked.

Does he lack empathy and understanding generally, or just on this matter?

Let him sleep outside, he's being completely ridiculous. We don't go to bed without double locking all doors when we're both home. If one of us is out after the other has gone to bed we leave one of the deadbolts off. Don't live in a particularly big or unsafe city it's just hard to sleep if you're feeling unsure of security. Wouldn't even dream of it in the greater London area, have heard from friends living there about startling burglars before.

Yabu. He's on his way home and he's as entitled to sleep in it as you are.

This for all the posters saying let him in/keep enabling him

He would rather you were anxious and your home and children were vulnerable than just carry a key?

He sounds horrible.

He literally just has to carry a key (or fit a key safe) in order for his wife to feel safe and his kids to be safe.

When you ask him directly why he won't just carry a key, what on earth is his answer?

I would lose respect for him because of this attitude. Not only is it ridiculous behaviour for a grown man but he doesn’t care about you or your children’s safety. That lack of care would hit hard with me and I’d struggle to want to be with him anymore.

I am willing to bet once the OP has put her foot down good and proper, and made her manchild of a husband take his own key, that when he comes in at midnight-1.00am, he will make as much noise as possible to make sure he wakes her... Just so she knows how angry he is. 😆

Wtf is wring with him, why doesn't he listen to you?

Absolutely no excuse for not carrying a key. We live in London. I used to leave the back unlocked because it was very hard to reach the back gardens (think block of terraced houses on all 4 sides). Someone still got into the back gardens over the one low roof in another street and got into our house. Fortunately someone had spotted what was happening and the police were called and disturbed him (the police arrived just as another family member got to the house) so the burglary ended very quickly but it could have been very different.

It’s very unlikely but how would he feel after if someone got in and harmed you all?

Much more likely - how would he feel if you’re burgled in the night and can’t claim on your insurance because the door was unlocked.

If he’s not grown up enough to carry a key, then he should come straight home from work and not go out!!!

I stupidly let my husband do this years ago when DD was a baby. I was woken by a man walking up the stairs shouting my neighbours name! It was her booty call from the pub. I screamed at him and luckily the baby gate stopped him getting on the landing. I rang my husband furious, I was shaking! He always took a key from then on.

100% this. And I said something similar earlier, why is the OP letting her husband behave like this? and why on earth is he out socialising til 1am 'straight from work' so often, whilst she is at home with their children? Does he actually partake in family life at all?! What's the actual point of him?

He's an absolute bellend

It's not in any way difficult to take a key.

Sounds like he's being controlling, going out without a key to ensure his wife stays home.

Once my DS got to 10 he had his own key although he rarely needed it, because I was raising an adult.

Your DH does not live in a small village any longer and he would prefer his DW and DC to be vulnerable to god knows what on the regular and have your nerves frayed rather than do what every other adult I know does?

Like others our door is locked even when I'm at home.

Cant you just fix a keysafe outside with one in? Pretty simple solution