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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague has sent me a dick pic

363 replies

Iambetteroffsingle · 14/06/2024 18:03

Well not a completely full-frontal one, he is clothed on it but it's a picture of his 'hard-on'. (Sorry this is TMI)

I vaguely knew of him before and we went on a team-building weekend activity as a group. Got on well, stayed in touch a bit over the last week via text, just talking about work and holidays mainly.
There's been no flirting or innuendos of any sort, then I opened my phone to this.
The man is 41 FFS.
He's put a caption in the picture talking about his 'tan' but I'm not stupid, I know what a lot of men are like.

If this were out of work I'd block straightaway, but I feel so awkward with working together. We aren't in the same team but have mutual friends. I just don't know what to do.

I was slightly interested before and would've been open to a date or something similar but this has shown me what he thinks of me.

OP posts:
PilingOnTheAgony · 15/06/2024 08:34

The fact that women still feel bad about calling out the disgusting behaviour of predatory fucking creeps like him depresses the life out of me. Not having a go at you, OP, I get how you feel. But please at least block him and never speak to him again. Awkwardness is the least he deserves.

And who the fuck are the 5% of YABU voters who think this is in any way OK? Jesus suffering Christ.

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 15/06/2024 08:34

Report it to HR. Message him that you find his reply inappropriate, which has made working with him more difficult. Be honest with mutual friends and say that unfortunately due to a message you received from him, you find it better to keep contact strictly professional.

Scarletttulips · 15/06/2024 08:43

The fact that women still feel bad about calling out the disgusting behaviour of predatory fucking creeps like him depresses the life out of me

Even my 14 year old at the time had the sense to approach someone who could deal with this type of behaviour.

SurelySmartie · 15/06/2024 08:45

OP doesn’t owe anyone anything.

If you don’t want to report then just respond ‘That is not appropriate.’ No emojis or anything else. Then don’t engage with him on anything other than what is strictly work related and essential, and keep things minimal.

If you never have to speak to or email him about work then just cut off all contact.

Lazydomestic · 15/06/2024 08:46

Have a read on the psychology of men that send dick pics - the prize isn’t you being flattered / impressed it’s getting a reaction & knowing they have head space.
Think of it as a modern flasher - don’t think anyone anywhere/ ever has said they met their DH in a park with his pants around his ankles wearing a Mac …

ZebrasAreStripy · 15/06/2024 08:47

Iambetteroffsingle · 14/06/2024 18:06

I don't want to jeapordise his career or anything, I just don't want to talk to him again. But maybe he's doing it to others who knows?

He’s already jeopardised his career through his own actions. Tell HR and they can deal with him. For all you know, there’s been other allegations but no concrete proof.

Herewegoagain84 · 15/06/2024 09:03

SurelySmartie · 15/06/2024 08:45

OP doesn’t owe anyone anything.

If you don’t want to report then just respond ‘That is not appropriate.’ No emojis or anything else. Then don’t engage with him on anything other than what is strictly work related and essential, and keep things minimal.

If you never have to speak to or email him about work then just cut off all contact.

Women owe it to women to stop men being able to continue behaving this way.

JazbayGrapes · 15/06/2024 09:17

Print it out poster size and stick it in the office for everyone to see.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/06/2024 09:23

JazbayGrapes · 15/06/2024 09:17

Print it out poster size and stick it in the office for everyone to see.

Oh for the love of God Hmm

Have you skipped over all the other countless posts that say "Don;t do daft laughy emojis / dont say Oh that looks like a penis but SO much smaller / don;t share it "

This is not a laughing matter or a humiliation retalitation.

The OP isn't at school , she's a profesional adult and will deal with this in the manner of a professional adult .

CandidaAlbicans2 · 15/06/2024 09:33

@Iambetteroffsingle "Cyberflashing" has been illegal in the UK since 31.1.24., and I knew this despite not closely following the news so I bet he does too. I suspect he tried to work around it by having his hard-on covered in clothes, but it was still obviously an erect penis. An unsolicited dick pic.

I'm a firm believer in "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing". By ignoring bad behaviour it's not really attempting to end it. I can give an example of that. When I was 18, in my first job, an older, married with kids, male colleague would grope my bum as he went past, day in day out. I thought that by ignoring it he would stop but he didn't. It was only when it became obvious I had to report to my manager that he was spoken to and finally stopped.

Anyway, you are in an excellent situation as you are leaving the company soon, so what are you concerned about? I bet this isn't his first rodeo either, and as someone else said, cyber flashing can be the start of worse sexual behaviour, so please seriously consider reporting him. If nothing else, perhaps speak with HR, explaining the situation, and ask their opinion? Hell, I'd be asking the Police too, but I'm so over this shit.

AnCùDubh · 15/06/2024 09:35

Cyberflashing" has been illegal in the UK since 31.1.24.,

It's been illegal in England and Wales since then.

It's been illegal in Scotland since 2010

Bittenonce · 15/06/2024 09:37

I think when men send unsolicited DPs, it's often a quick filter: 'They'll either sleep with me or block me, some you win, some you lose, but I'll know either way'. But at work, it's different because you can't avoid all contact: Probably never entered his mind that actually the downside is losing his job, in most businesses now HR wouldn't dare NOT sack someone for doing this.
Realistically, can you carry on working with this guy?

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 15/06/2024 09:46

Beautifulbythebay · 14/06/2024 18:11

Surely you just sent a laughing emoji and block him? That laugh with damage him forever.. More than reporting him at work would do.

This. Just take the piss out of him and he’s unlikely to do it again

CaveMum · 15/06/2024 10:04

He is testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with. It’s ambiguous enough that he can try and claim it’s an innocent pic of his tan lines or whatever, but he knows what he is doing.

You have done nothing wrong. You have not led him on/given him the wrong impression/etc. The only way it would be acceptable for him to send this to you is if you had outright said “Send me a picture of your semi erect knob”

As that is not the case, this situation is entirely of his own doing and the consequences are his alone to bear.

The most proactive thing to do would be to go to your HR department and report him. But I get that is easier said than done.

The next option would to be to reply matter of factly and say “That is inappropriate and highly unprofessional. If you send anything like that to me, or any other woman in our department again I will report you to HR. If you contact me again for anything other than work-related matters I will report you to HR.”

It is so tempting to try and ignore it, but I guarantee this is not the first time he has done this and you won’t be the last.

If you opt for the second option, and are soon leaving the department, I’d be tempted to save the image and pass it to HR along with a detailed written complaint on your last day anyway.

TakeMeDancing · 15/06/2024 10:10

You’re a grown woman. Take this to HR. If not for yourself, do it for the 21 year-old in the office who will not have the confidence when he does it for her. He’s 41 and knows exactly what he’s doing—no excuses. This wasn’t his first time, and it won’t be his last, unless he is reported. It’s down to us to shut down the predators in our workplaces, unfortunately.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 15/06/2024 10:20

I’d just reply with “there is no woman in this world who finds unsolicited dick pics attractive” and then block him.

Keep it safe and decide whether to go to HR with it. You’ve got a few days to work it out.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 15/06/2024 10:36

bergamotorange · 14/06/2024 18:11

If you don't want to report, I agree something neutral like 'i find this inappropriate from a work colleague' and then block.

Agreed . Then file the photo away under “ yuk” just in case you need to report it later down the line

Mirabai · 15/06/2024 10:53

Just forward to HR and let them deal with it. He won’t do it again.

You don’t owe him anything.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/06/2024 11:20

If you do nothing he will think it is okay.

But she didn't tell me she didn't want it, or tell me to stop...

Bollindger · 15/06/2024 12:45

Go to HR.
Tell them youv recieved this photo.
Show them your chat history with the man.
How do they think you should proceed?
Then just keep quiet, see what they say.

EasternEcho · 15/06/2024 12:46

Howbizarre22 · 15/06/2024 07:05

Oh yeh it’s the women’s fault as per. Victim blaming classic 👏🏼

Show quote history

That's a weird take on it. Crime would be less if we actually reported it wouldn't it? Or should we all just turn a blind eye and let it carry on? Similarly, if this individual is to not keep repeating this behaviour, he has to face the consequences. If not there is no deterrance. Victim blaming is blaming the person it happened to. I am talking about future recipients of this man's dick pic, if this one is not reported. There's no victim blaming here.

JFDIYOLO · 15/06/2024 13:13

You don't want to jeopardise his career??

Female #bekind socialisation kicks in ...

You are not the guardian of his personal or professional wellbeing - he is!!

Yes of course he's done it before and he'll do it again.

Screenshot with a formal complaint to HR. I wouldn't send the screenshot yet, just describe it - your colleague won't want to unsuspectingly open it on Monday morning and have a surprise ...

Keep it in reserve.

They have to stamp on this.

JFDIYOLO · 15/06/2024 13:16

No. That is the kind of thing they react to very very badly; being laughed at. It's a dangerous move and wrong advice.

Mirabai · 15/06/2024 13:26

He’s the one who jeopardised his career!!

Beautiful3 · 15/06/2024 13:57

I'd screen shot it. Ignore it and send it to hr. Tell them it's made you really uncomfortable. He's probably done it to loads of female members of staff. Stand up to it.

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