to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

You know the answer to this.

How would you feel if a man was doing this to your daughter? Doesn’t matter about the other good bits. You need to feel free to be you. Tell him this.

He’s being way too needy. Not attractive and very worrying. Your daughter is quietly learning all of this which is even worse.

I’m confident you can sort this out.

I say this out of concern for you and your daughter, OP. Something absolutely needs to change here. You're role modelling this kind of controlling relationship as normal to her. How will you feel if your daughter is in a relationship like yours when she's older and her partner were to severely isolate her from you, like your husband is doing with your family? Please start showing her that it is not acceptable for your partner to dictate how you live your life to this level!
Please please also start reading up about controlling and coercive relationships, as others have suggested, and really open your eyes that this relationship is absolutely not healthy for you (and for daughter to observe).

Retirement can be a shock even if planned and takes a lot of adjustments. Maybe that's part of it?

If you enjoy your job don't drop part time, works so good for our mental health x

Keep your work hours and your job. Rejoin the running club. See your friends. He needs to find an activity. How about a college course? There’s lots to do. He will adjust to being retired.

This is exactly on point, and absolutely spot on.
I have seen so many men retire and they fall to pieces. I believe it is something to do with a routine that is no longer present.
Even if he was doing one day a week it would help him.
The demands he is making on you is worrying though, ship him back to work asap.

Wow, I feel suffocated just reading that @ZoraTheGrey . It’s not you, he’s way too needy. You need to put a stop to this madness right away.

He's male and he's older than you. Chances are, he's going to die first. I can see the argument for him wanting to spend as much quality time with you and you wanting to do the same.

However, he's taking this to the point where it's utterly stifling. If you live your life the way he thinks you should, you're not going to miss him when he's gone, and that's even worse than grief.

Retiring is a really big change for him, and you might need to change some small parts of your life now that's happened, but you absolutely should not be bailing on friends and family because he doesn't want you to socialise with anyone other than him. You are his partner in life - not his comfort blanket.

If he finds a bit more independence, it will be better for your relationship in the long run. As I said, the aim is that when one of you dies, the other is devastated. Not the the other is punching the air with glee to get her life back. he's pushing in a dangerous direction.

My husband also in early 60s and has taken early retirement. I need to still work as 5 years younger . He does not constrict me in any way from doing activities or stop me from seeing friends. Your husband sounds unreasonable and controlling.

How old were you when you got together OP?

Maybe your mental illness was the result of being a boiled frog.

Imagine being early 60’s and doing school drop off and pick ups, as a parent and not a grandparent..

Do not reduce your working hours.

Firm words and he scales his shit right back or LTB.

Like PP, I felt suffocated just reading this. I honestly don’t know how you are living in this horrible controlled and restricted way.

Why has he retired so early? Can he go back to work?

I don’t see this marriage lasting tbh. You aren’t his Entertainment Unit.

Could he get a part-time job? Nothing too taxing, but enough to keep him occupied, He sounds bored and is making it your job to entertain him.

He needs therapy to work out what hole he needs your constant presence to fill. That should take a lot of his time if he dedicates himself to it!

It's just awful that you're giving up your identity and the things that bring you joy. And it's unbelievable he expects you to share housework 50/50 and do as much childcare as you do when you work and he's a sahd of a 10 year old!

Please work on this together so you can model a healthy relationship to your daughter so the pattern doesn't repeat yet again. And so that you can have another happy couple of decades ahead of you as a couple. Good luck x

@ZoraTheGrey your feelings are perfectly reasonable but it is common for retirement to hit some people like this. It is only a few months and is a massive change. He is also maybe feeling that he is worthless as you are still working. I think communication is key. My OH is retired and my career is on the up but he keeps himself busy and has lots of his own friends and interests. I think talk to him about how this is making you feel but also give it time.

He is awful, you must do more without him.
He can volunteeer !
Otherwise you are looking down the barel of another 30 years of doom.
Thank god I'm single , . . .

He’s bored, he needs a hobby, not you to be there st his whim. Do not curtail your life for him, he is being unreasonable expecting you to.

you need a chat

As a fellow runner I feel sad for you that you were made to give up your club.

He is being unreasonable and stifling. He seems to view you as a copy and paste extension of him, rather than as a separate person with her own hobbies, a love for and enjoyment of her work, friends and family members.

I wouldn't give it time, or try to understand his feelings, absolutely not. It's not ok to demand someone be home at a certain time, limit their contact with friends, make it so they are isolated from family and be so disapproving they no longer have friends, running club or enough contact with their own loved ones. Awful, controlling behaviour, push back on every account. He can work out what to do with his extra time, but controlling yours? Nope.

I really do agree. I think he's scared. I will add that he is brilliant fun so the time with him is generally really enjoyable - so many laughs - and I suppose there's part of me that wants to make the most of all the time so can have with him too. That's probably a big part of why I've compromised on other things.

He would be brilliant fun when he's getting his own way and clipping your wings, exactly the way he likes it. Doesn't mean you have to do it or role model it for your daughter. What's he like when he doesn't get his own way?

The first thing you should do is re-join your running club. He sounds totally stifling and trying to reduce your life. You are young enough that you have many good years left- you can’t be making your world smaller at this point or what will you have when you’re 60?

My Dh is only 7 years older than me, but retired early due to ill health (a few years before we met) He’s 66, I’m 60 this Autumn.
He misses me when I’m at work ( I’m a TA) and would like me to retire too, but understands that I’m not ready to yet. He does the lion’s share of housework and ‘admin’, but we try to make time for each other at the weekend. He does, however have me at home during school holidays, so we have the best of both worlds. He doesn’t object to me going out with friends and colleagues from time to time.

I think you need to meet each other halfway, somehow.