to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

I also think that he will say that you are being unreasonable and disguise it as loving you so much, hence why he’s asked X, Y and Z.

You are your own person and what you have stated is not unreasonable.

Concentrate on showing your daughter that this is not acceptable. You are not a child or his employee.

You're going to have to put your foot down. Or getva dog. Or get him a hobby.

You ate entitled to pursue a career and have a social life. Just because he's feeling lonely doesn't give him the right to commandeer your free time.

If he's as good as you say.them tell him, not us.

How many holidays would they need to plan to fill this mans free time? It is hours every day.

I suppose it has dawned on him that by the time you are retired he will be to old to enjoy doing much as a retired couple , and he has lots of time to dwell on it .

I was going to write something more balanced and considered, but honestly? Bin him off, find yourself a nice fit 35 year old toy boy and enjoy the rest of your life! You’re statistically only halfway through and it isn’t a dress rehearsal!

That's actually what my dad does. School runs aside because we're both adults. But he retired early and mum still works part time. On her working days he does all the housework and anything that needs sorting. Then on her days off they do things together. They both also have their individual things, but they're happiest together so it works out well.

@ZoraTheGrey that's what he needs to do. Fill his time while you're busy with all the "home" stuff and his friends/family and then you'll have extra free time to be together.

I honestly can't bring myself to type anything polite about your DH, OP He's utterly pathetic, and selfish to boot.

Do NOT go part time when you don't want to - you'd be sacrificing your future pension.

So he retired relatively young with seemingly no plan on what to do with his life and you’re okay with him spaffing away “his” savings to keep himself entertained when he’s not trying to get you to cut out all joy and purpose from your life just because he’s bored?

Will your poor daughter get any inheritance from her father or will he have spent it on keeping himself busy?

OMG he sounds like an insufferable twat.

Do not give up your job.

Do not give up your friends.

Do not give up seeing your family.

Do not give up your hobbies and as PP have said, go back to your running club.

If you are working full time he should be doing all the housework and life admin. And then he needs to find other things to occupy himself with instead of expecting you to entertain him all the time. A part time job, volunteering, joining a gym, a walking club, golf, whatever.

Don't put up with his shit a moment longer or it will get worse.

Have you spoken to him very frankly about how this is making you feel. You have listed lots of things you’ve done to try to improve things but not really said anything about discussing it.

He needs to know that by trying to pull you closer, he’s pushing you away. Nobody wants to feel suffocated like that.

Yep. This.

Leave him. You deserve so much better than this.

You aren't the entertainer or the entertainment. He sounds extremely needy and egocentric. If your best friend what you describe in your OP what would your advice to her be?

There's two near us. They look interesting.

Honestly. Why is this relevant to what OP asked??

He needs a hobby/volunteer/part time job!

YANBU and it's really sad you felt you needed to give up your running club.

I would say if he is retired and you're full time, he should be doing all school runs and all housework during the week.

Has he considered working part time? It sounds like he needs something to occupy him.

This level of clinginess and neediness would drive me potty. You need to speak to him, say you’re rejoining running, you will see your friends and family, it is not life solely on his terms, and explain if he continues like this he will drive you away

He needs to 'get a life' so he is not dependent on you for his entertainment (and fundamentally that is what it is). He is being incredibly lazy not finding his own entertainment/something constructive to do eg clubs, U3A, volunteering, part time job, gym. My DH retired a few years before me and immediately joined U3A and got involved in various activities through that (music concerts, walks, learning a language), he also joined a local bridge club, and a gym that he goes to about 3 times a week. It would have been hopeless to rely on me for company as i often worked away.

Maybe he could take up cycling or golf. These are very consuming apparently from all the threads of women fed up with their partners never being there.

I’d be cutting my losses and getting out of this marriage, before his control gets even worse and you’re trapped into becoming his carer.

It sounds a deeply unhealthy relationship and he’s far, far too old for you.

In 20 years you could be enjoying a fabulous retirement with someone nearer your own age.

He’s lost a big aspect of his life and wants you to fill it - don’t! It is not your responsibility and it could be very unhealthy for your relationship especially if it involves you sacrificing big parts of your life. He can fill it - hobbies, projects, friends, volunteer work, whatever but it’s his responsibility to fill the gap he feels

When I read how you’ve set aside family time and date nights I thought fair enough those are good compromises and ways to spend quality time. Then you moved into changing your working hours to spend half a day with your DH, giving up running club, cutting down on time with friends and family and I baulked. Sacrificing those things because your DH cant cope on his own is crazy! Then talking about going part time is even worse. Please don’t do that and get back to your running club and spending time with friends and family (unlimited) asap! This is not your issue to fix, you’re being fair and reasonable, he is not and he needs to realise that or he’ll end up driving you away because your life will end up being nothing but him. He’s not being fair to you.

Could you do 4 days a week?

I can see the imbalance. And that day would be for YOU not for him. You could see friends, run, go and see your family, stay overnight.

A full-time job for anyone is a lot of working generally. If you do 4 days, suddenly you get 50% extra time on the weekend than currently.

And I think 4 days a week is just healthy for everyone - not just you. It's a more balanced life all round but if you do it, you MUST ring-fence that day for you. It sounds like you are already fully committed to him over the weekend and this would allow you to keep your health, your friends, your family but having this day for yourself.

What he does on the other 5 days of the week is his problem. You both have a weekend together - that is enough time with each other while you are fit and healthy 40 something. He must accept that he needs to fill his life with something/someone other than you.