to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

He’s feeling the age gap and worrying that you’ll ditch him and trade up. He thinks that this is less likely if he keeps you on a short leash.

He needs to cultivate some friends and hobbies. You can’t ring fence every evening and weekend, it is totally unreasonable.

@ZoraTheGrey do you have a Men's Shed near you? If so, I recommend you encourage him to join it - I hear nothing but good about the association and how it really helps those who attend it... They get to tinker with things and repair things and chat with other blokes while they do it....

https://menssheds.org.uk/

I suspect he has always been controlling but due to the age gap/power imbalance he has been able to condition you to not see it that way.
There has now been a change and his controlling behaviour has become more obvious.
Don’t change your working hours, give up hobbies etc for him unless you want to.
If he’s lonely/bored he’s got plenty of time on his hands to take up something new.

He’s going to really struggle as your daughter gets older and wants to spend more time away from her parents. It’s a shame that he’s feeling a bit lost at the moment, and understandable, but it’s his issue to solve. Please don’t sacrifice what you enjoy for him. If you’re still working then your free time is valuable and necessary and you should be the one to choose how you spend it.

With kindness.. in 20 years you will still be waiting for your state pension.. you will need every penny of your nhs pension... that alone should make you realise you need to work full time at the job you love and progress as far as you can in it.. HE is retired. You are not. Make a stand now or you will regret it later.
And he doesnt get to tell you who you can spend time with or for how long.. he is your husband ( at the moment) not your jailer.

Basically DH needs something to do in his life - if he hasn't already, he needs to find clubs and groups that are of interest. He could also do voluntary work that will give him some structure to his days and benefit society.

This

He’s probably still adjusting to his new role. Is there somewhere he could do some volunteering that might keep him engaged rather than relying on you?

You definitely shouldn't consider part time work if you don't want to, this will only add to your resentment and potentially cause further damage to your marriage. It is also very important that you retain your own interests. You seem very fair in your approach and it seems that your husband is finding the adjustment to retirement difficult. I think you need to have a chat with him and tell him how you feel. You have every right to have time with friends and other interests/activities. It is possible that your husband is unaware of how unreasonable he is being, please sit down and talk to him about this. Take care

You need to carry on doing the things you want to do (including running and seeing family / friends etc etc) and he needs to find a hobby to stop his days feeling so long - don't give up everything you love to do, pretty sure you'll regret it. He is being unreasonable.

He could find a part time job to fill some of his time, not necessarily for the money, when my late OH was lucky enough to get a very early retirement from teaching he still spent a few years doing supply.

This would be the end for me.

He needs to get himself a job, some hobbies band some friends and you need to go back to how you were before he retired.

You’re his wife, not his mother.

No way would I let any partner of mine dictate how I live my life and spend my time. He’s asking way too much of you and you have, in my view, compromised far too much. I’d not be minimising contact with my friends, dropping out of a club, agreeing not to take phone calls, changing my working hours etc. I urge you to rethink.

I wonder if in addition to being controlling and bored, he's done the maths and realised that by the time OP retires he will be in his last years (and actually could quite feasibly be dead before she reaches retirement) and is panicking about spending time together?

Twenty years is a huge gap, I imagine he might well be panicked at the thought he may never get to enjoy a retirement with his wife.

This resonates with as my DH and I have a similar age gap although I am a bit older than you. My DH retired into the pandemic and from a job that is often closely linked to one's sense of self and identity (academic). I think he found the loss of status and purpose somewhat difficult but has now settled well into retired life. The transition can be difficult!
He spends time walking the DDog and in the gym and has now more time to pursue one of his hobbies (with regular classes and including trips abroad to learn more), continue learning my mother tongue, take on more responsibilities at home, ferrying our DC around etc. He is still writing and occasional lecturing which is good for him.
I have encouraged my DH very much to do his own things and proactively suggest things to him, meet friends, travel etc. - I want him to have a good time but as I also work full-time in a fulfilling and rewarding job, I can't be his constant companion. As so many other said, please don't give up the things you enjoy and continue to maintain your own friendships - we will mostly likely outlive our husbands and need both our pensions and our friends.

I think you are being totally reasonable in your wishes. I wonder if DH isn't experiencing the age gap between you afresh now he is retired, and subconsciously (or even consciously) anxious about you interacting with colleagues closer to you in age and fearing a widening split. That's ironic really, if so, because his actions are more likely to induce a split rather than narrow it. The concept of oneself as a pensioner does bring on (in my experience as a 74 year old) a deepening awareness of age and mortality.

Can he retire and return pick up something interesting but not demanding in the NHS. He may appreciate his 5 days off then and find an absorbing hobby

You need to stand up for yourself and tell him it isn’t happening. There’s no way I would put up with this. He needs to work out what he is going to do to fill his time now he’s retired. You keep doing what you were doing.

Surely he's not seeing less of you now than when he was working, and you were doing your running etc then. I would think, as he's newly retired, that he's struggling to adjust to having so much unstructured time.
How about you start giving him a list of things to do each day.

As for expecting you to do all the running around with your child at weekends because he does it in the week, that's ridiculous.
He's now got the luxury of time to do what he wants but he clearly doesn't know what to do, so help him out with a list of household jobs to be done. It may well encourage him to find things he'd rather do!

Sorry but fuck all that with bells on. You are not his caretaker, his mother or his entertainer. If he’s bored he can go back to work, you should not be cutting your friends and family off for a man baby - and one that’s more than old enough to realise what a manipulative abusive twat he’s acting like to boot!

His life has changed, he’s retired. Yet you’re the one that is having to change your entire life. It’s really unreasonable of him not to anything to adapt to his life change.

Sounds like he has retired to early!

are you going to have a big discussion with him or just gradually reintroduce stuff?

I agree with PP.

He is being controlling and this is not a healthy relationship.

It sounds suffocating.

The sulking, nagging the demanding is abusive behaviour. He’s coercing you to do what he wants..

You are only in your early 40’s!

He clearly wasn’t ready for retirement. So many people retire early, like mid 50s upwards, and unless they’ve got hobbies or a wife who is also retired so they can go on holidays and breaks, then it’s always going to be hard. Can’t you try get him into a volunteering job, like driving for charities or something?