to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

Controlling and coercive behaviour I would say. He should be doing all the housework if you are working full time and the majority of the cooking, just as you probably did for him.
I suggest you get you life back, get him a hobby, and continue in your profession. To put it bluntly, you might need that job if he dies well before you so you have a profession to fall back on. What is your retirement age likely to be? 68, 70?
For your own future financial security, keep that job. For your own sanity, don't give up your friends and hobbies.
What does he do while you are at work? Sit in a chair and sulk? Potter around without purpose? Is he possibly depressed? Take him to your doctor. Retirement is a huge life change, like divorce.
Does he have an interest in photography or something similar? Something absorbing and interesting? Encourage it.
As one poster said, he's done a number on you and you don't realise it. Resist. Think to the future.
YANBU

My parents have a large age gap and when my father died, because my mother continued to work and socialise she is now enjoying a great retirement with lots of trips, holidays, activities etc.

Also a fun retirement is something many people don't get anyway, you can't expect it.

Increasingly people have a long retirement but it used to be the norm that you would die just a few years after you retire.

My mum died at 54 and my stepdad had to go without the retirement together he was looking forward together. My dad is still doing pretty well at 91. Life is a roulette wheel and more so as you get older.

OP needs to find a balance that works right now between her career and relationship as tomorrow may never come.

None of you seem to realise the OP's DH will die before she retires. He would like to spend time with her and DD before he becomes too old to enjoy it. OP will have plenty of time for her interests when she is - inevitably - a fairly young widow.

@Grammarnut old age is something of a lottery, the DH could live to be in his 90s, and the OP could become ill and die in her sixties, nothing is guaranteed

Quite right. But from his pov he knows on average that men die earlier, so time is not on his side. True, OP might die in her sixties. The solution to this problem is to do things together. He can volunteer for things during the day and they can socialize with their friends in the evening and at week-ends. If you love someone you want to spend a lot of time with them, surely?

I disagree - the solution is not just ‘do things together’
It’s for both parties to compromise. Yes, do some stuff together of course but definitely not ostracise yourself from working, other family, friends and hobbies. The OPs husband is monumentally selfish to expect those sort of compromises from someone he claims to love,
If she is (as is likely) left alone, what sort of future does she have for her own old age?

Do you not think that compromise is implied in 'doing things together'? If one is doing things the other likes one is compromising to some extent. My late DH did not care for opera, he never stopped me going, nor complained that I had gone out. Ditto bellringing. I did not complain about his time with his son in the local snooker hall, either. We did lots of things together as well, and had intended to do more, because we liked each other. Now, I still have the things I enjoyed - except for him - and have picked up new interests (based on already existing ones of course) to fill the long spaces where he is not.

In general I agree, compromise would be implied. The issue is that in this situation, the OP is being actively pressured into giving up anything and anyone outside of the couple and has meekly agreed to all and every demand made so far

Therefore in this situation, I don’t believe we can assume implied compromise - it clearly hasn’t happened in the natural way it should

That's what happened with my aunt and uncle. He was 15 years older, she died in her early 60s and he's now 89 and cares for his new partner who is 95. I can still remember him saying it should have been him. She was about to retire and they were looking to move away.

That's why I'm planning on taking 3-6 months off work and doing some things with DH. The difference is it's my choice, he's not coercing me into doing it, in fact he keeps reminding me I will have to look for another job!

He sounds like a clingy needy toddler. Ugh!

"OP will have plenty of time for her interests when she is - inevitably - a fairly young widow."

But if she goes along with her husband's wishes she won't have any friends left to share them with, and if she drops too many hours at work she won't have any money to do them either.

I definitely agree about keeping up the pension contributions. Merryn Somerset Webb's "Love Is Not Enough", a book about personal finances for women, was written nearly 20 years ago but is still well worth reading. Her section on pensions is very good. Here's an excerpt:
"..even if you stay married don't forget that when your husband dies (and the odds are what he will die before you) his pension will very often die with him...you can get an annuity that only pays out for the length of your own life; or you can get one that continues to pay out to your spouse even after you are dead (these tend to offer a slightly lower annual income as the providers expect to have to pay them for longer). And guess what? According to Age Concern, around three quarters of the annuities arranged for married men provide no income at all for a widow after their deaths. This means that they leave their partners in the lurch when they go for the sake of a higher income when they are alive. Nice. The lesson? You have to look after yourself."

He is being controlling and it is completely unfair on you. Please don’t damage your career to cater to his demands - they will only get worse. And with that big age gap it’s important you remain independent as you are likely to significantly outlive him.

What on earth makes you think that? We all realise it, as he should have when he pursued a woman young enough to be his daughter, it doesn’t make him entitled to dictate how OP suspends all of her time now. Do you realise he doesn’t own her?

I can't believe 2% of people said YABU. This really feels like coercive control to me.

@Grammarnut if the OP quits work and drops all her friends and current interests now to spend every waking moment with the retired husband, when he dies she will have no money, no friends and no hobbies. She'll be completely on her own and trying to build a life from scratch when she's 60 odd and has spent 20 years only permitted to have him for company. Potentially she could have spent years as his carer with no respite or support from friends or family. Does this really seem reasonable to you?

There are some really insightful comments here which you have acknowledged OP. Apologies if this has been mentioned before, and by no means am I suggesting it negates the good advice offered. However, in tacking things of course you need to be firm but kind.
Although yes, he is being controlling, in some ways for him he may feel that the power imbalance has changed so much since your early relationship. You now have more independent earning power, and frankly with your hobbies and social life reinstated (as it should be) he could be feeling that not only do you not need him, but you are out there in the world with people (including other men) who are much younger than he is.
I expect this will be adding to his fear, and it's easy for this to get out of hand when he has too much time on his hands to get stuck in his own head.
I'd address this with him 'I think you could be feeling...' but let him know that this isn't something that will affect your relationship, however if you don't sort out this new situation and dynamic between you, that very well could.
Transitions are hard and although people are right to some extent to say he should have thought this through, it affects both of you and it's not too late to make a realistic plan together.

YANBU
It sounds like you are both adjusting to the realities of retirement .
It also sounds like you have made quite a few sacrifices already! I don't think you should do any more, in fact sit down and explain you need and want Me time.
He sounds like he needs more to occupy himself and not rely on you so much. He needs that hobby. Plus perhaps volunteering (there are loads of opportunities out there), or a part time job himself! He's only in his early 60s after all. Stand your ground. He needs to work through this period of his life.

Useful thread and excellent book (Not Nice) I realise that too often I've suppressed my opinions because other people who are important to me have expressed strong opinions, usually dislike or disapproval, which are contrary to my feelings. Often this is about 'unimportant things e.g musical tastes and it's their fault that they express their OPINION as if it's fact. And I have allowed myself to be supresed by this. Trying to change this.

Unfortunately for most of us our interests are formed in our youth and we either continue them through life, or return to them in retirement. If you have no interests at twenty you are unlikely to have them at sixty. He could join the University of the Third Age and do some volunteering locally - but that would need to be built around interests he already has.