to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

My DH will retire earlier than me due to the nature of his job - although we are the same age. And it is still a good few years away. He does make noises about spending all day in his pjs when he’s retired which are shot down by me. He has displayed similar traits of not wanting me to see friends and getting grumpy about me going to a hobby which I have continued to do and I have had no qualms in telling him I don’t intend to be a hermit and he shouldn’t either.
don’t make your life so small that it is only him in it - controlling you because he has nothing else to do is not a happy life for you

Tell him he will be a lot lonelier when you leave him.

You need to also do the maths.

If your state retirement pension kicks in when you are 67-68, he will be 88 by then. You will have no "golden years retirement" together.

If you retire or go down to 2 days a week now, you will be essentially forsaking any chance of a decent work/private pension.

But, is the house worth a lot? Will he leave it all to you or are there any other relatives? Would you want to move house to downsize in your 70's after he is gone? Will you need a decent pension or can you live on what he leaves you?
(Don't count on cash which could all go in care fees - just look at the equity).

What do you want out of life in terms of your retirement, and time with him?

If I were you, I would seriously consider going part time now, to spend time with him whilst he is still healthy - unless you absolutely LOVE your job and want to spend five+ full days a week at it. It is a matter of priorities.

But while you are working he should be doing 95% of all housework, including cleaning bathrooms and all the boring drudgery, not just the fun DIY.

And of course you absolutely must put your foot down about seeing your friends and family - don't let him control you and imprison you in this way.

You shouldn't have to give up things for partner, tell him to get a part time job, do voluntary work, a new hobby, decorate the house and do gardening, get a dog, write a book, so much he could do, sit and write a list with him, and help him find something suitable, he's probably feeling lost after retiring, and just hasn't found a way to fill his days, and you need to go back to running and meeting your friends. Good luck op. X

Can you find him some hobbies or interests or even a part time role?
without being morbid, you’ll likely have 30 years without him you will need your friends, don’t drop them.

Retirement is a huge transition but you need to nip this in the bud. You also need to realise you are the one with the power now. You’re younger, you have a job - he’s not in a position to lay down the law.
You could dump him and find someone your own age, but it would be much harder for him to find someone as good as you. Sorry to be so blunt but that’s how it is. If he doesn’t want to be a lonely old man he needs to shape up.
You don’t want to squander your prime years becoming prematurely old to please him then end up a widow at 60 with no career, no friends and no life of your own. Good luck

Can't he volunteer in the day while your at work

Bear in mind that he will die before you retire - inevitable if he is in his sixties and you in your forties. He wants to spend time with you while he has time and energy. I sympathise. If the roles were reversed would you not want to have as much time as possible with the person you love? You probably have fifteen good years ahead and another five or so when he is more dependant, if he is in early sixties. Make the most of the time you have. You will have many years to be with friends and family, I assure you - just as I have.

He could, I daresay, but he wants to spend what he knows are his last years with his wife. Men die earlier than women and a man in his early sixties has ten good years, probably and maybe a couple or so when he is finding things more difficult. That's his problem, not loneliness or boredom.

Have you done your VAWG (violence against women and girls) training OP? I see a lot of similarities here, even though you haven't mentioned violence. Good luck.

This.
I think you know the answer to your question.
Good luck

He is only a few months into retirement and I know a few older relatives who didn't 'find their retired feet' for a while after they stopped work.

This. DH really struggled at first. He felt as though he had no worth. He was never like OP's husband, I couldn't have coped with that, but I was worried about his mental health. Once he found his feet and settled he was fine, although he still misses working.

Sounds like lovely marriage

YANBU
He’s bored. It isn’t your job to keep him entertained. Id rejoin that running club if I were you.
something to consider as well, you mentioned the possibility of going part time. Doing this would massively impact your pension.

This is his problem to solve. Not yours

he needs a retirement job, voluntary work or hobby. Or
all three

I can’t believe he has retired at such a young age when he has a young wife and child .

None of you seem to realise the OP's DH will die before she retires. He would like to spend time with her and DD before he becomes too old to enjoy it. OP will have plenty of time for her interests when she is - inevitably - a fairly young widow.

Someone I know who had married a much older man. He became housebound a decade by his death. She became his carer. Luckily he was quite wealthy they sold the big house in the country and bought a small place, spent money adapting it for him.

I think @ZoraTheGrey career could be cut short anyway.

I have to say my feelings have changed over the course of this thread. I too, thought he was totally unreasonable etc, but now I do agree that he’s never going to get a fun retirement with his wife as he normally would, as he’ll be too old and inactive by the time she retires. However, that doesn’t mean she should give up her friends, family and hobbies.

He should be doing all the child running about, at weekends too, and all the housework so that the op can then do fun things with him, instead of spending her time doing that.
Op, is it possible to reduce your hours, so you still work but get a little bit more time with him? Keep up extra pension contributions though. Don’t do this if he doesn’t agree to to the chores etc. Buy back some extra holiday perhaps?

However you decide to handle this op, please do not lose contact with people and doing stuff you enjoy doing. Your dh’s needs are not more important than your needs.

She can't even make a phone call in peace.
He is successfully isolating her from family and friends.
This is coercive control and a CRIME.
One call to Women's aid would spell it out for her.
This is ALL about him and what he wants.
This is not a healthy relationship.

. I too, thought he was totally unreasonable etc, but now I do agree that he’s never going to get a fun retirement with his wife as he normally would, as he’ll be too old and inactive by the time she retires.

Perhaps but I mean that’s what happens when you marry a woman 20 years younger than you. He was in his 50s when he married her, he should’ve been able to do the math. Unless of course the younger woman has agreed/is able to be a SAHM and hasn’t ever did paid work - then they’ll be at home waiting for you when you retire I guess.

If she retires at age 60 he may well be alive when she retires but even if he’s not - again, that choice was made when he married a younger woman with a 20 year age gap, AND when he chose to retire early.

It probably would’ve been better for him to keep on working a few years and earn some more money to enable his wife to retire a bit earlier later on when she beginning to wind down her career.

But realty that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. You don’t get to assume that the younger woman you married will leave work early in her 40s, when you are the one who chose to take early retirement in your 60s, he was old enough to think and plan ahead when he married her.

Perhaps he can just use the time Op has free wisely and enjoy quality of time with her rather than quantity. When their kid is a teen and they don’t have to worry about childcare, they can start going back out for more date nights etc. have family trips on long weekends, make the most of the school free and work free time his wife and daughter has.

Don't give up your running club and seeing friends. It's good for your mental and physical health. It's not up your you to entertain your dh. He needs to filing his own time and finding his own hobbies.

Putting time frames on you is absurd, you're not a teenager you're a grown woman

To give you some perspective. Would you do this to him?

Has your marriage been like this all along where if he wasn’t working you were doing what he wanted?

If you were off all week looking after DD would you then expect him to pick everything up at the weekend?

If this is new then talking and hobbies could sort it out but if it’s been an underlying issue there are so many red flags that you need to think of your future and what it will be like when you have isolated yourself from your friends, family and any hobbies of your own that make you happy.

Sorry but this level of possessiveness & control over your social life is abusive.
Re start your running club, it’s only once a week, and tell him out right that your time visiting family and friends will not be time limited! Sorry but how fucking dare he!! Tell him that you will not be answering or in deed reading texts or calls from him when you’re out with friends… this is awful and so rude to your friends! I have a friend who when I meet up with her she gets a call off her husband every time… they talk shit for more than 5 minutes while I sit there uncomfortably wondering why he feels the need to ‘check up on her’.. and I have to say @ZoraTheGrey i don’t really bother going out with her much anymore because there’s nothing more annoying than being in the middle of a heart felt discussion and one of the people taking a call…. Yeah sure I’d answer the phone if school rang… but anyone else I cancel the call and ring them back later… in a similar way to I would if I was driving! …
Its double standards that he feels you can’t answer the phone to your friends when with him but then he wades in on your time with friends with calls saying ‘can you come home early - I miss you!’… goodness he sounds like a possessive 6 year old not 60+ adult!
Now you’re working full time and he’s retired he should be doing the lions share of housework… he also needs to occupy his time himself… Either picking up some paid work or volunteering at a local food bank or something!…. It certainly isn’t your responsibility to entertain him!
I would tell him that his retirement is doing your head in and you want to work full time and progress in your career and you want to socialise and run…. Point out how unreasonable he’s being and how he’s manipulating you to spend every minute you have off doing what he wants and never considering the fact you have other people in your life you’d actually like to keep in touch with!
Without being mean, when he passes (potentially 20 years before you!) you’ll need your running group friends and other social interactions!
Tell him you won’t be restricting your time with anyone… when you want to leave you’ll leave and not a minute before! If he doesn’t want to spend as long then he’s welcome not to come with you! …. Maybe he could visit his folk while you visit yours… freeing up time to spend as a 3! If he does the housework while you’re at work that
will also free up time on your days off…
Having to change your start times
sounds more like what a parent does to fit around childcare… but you’ve done it so you can effectively babysit and entertain the demands of an adult man!
You need a serious discussion telling him that until you retire 20 years from now, you need time with him but also time without where you can see friends and family with out him making you feel guilty!