to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

So basically he wants you to live as though you're retired whilst working full-time?

Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine

I'm really uncertain about this. His savings were for his retirement. Don't tell him you're happy for him to spend joint money when he has a lot more savings than you. Get those savings put into joint names for your own security. Otherwise tell him he has to spend his own money now because you want to build up your own savings. I agree with you. Don't lose your job .

sounds like he misses work, rather than missing you, he needs to find something to do, a part time job, a hobby, voluntary work, or something

Sounds like a controlling fucker. Read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft with special reference to The Victim.

This is not about him missing you, this is about him controlling your time and environment.

He never liked me going off for too long to be fair, with or without DD. I think he found it easier because he got on so well with his workmates and had been in the same job for 30-odd years. It was a big shock to him to suddenly not be hanging out with them every day.

I've never really seen him as controlling - I think if he is I've allowed him to be this way so I need to think about how I've let that happen and if I can change the pattern for both our sakes.

It's only been a few months so he's probably desperately missing working and doesn't know what to do with himself when you're not there. He probably had a rosy picture of you two enjoying loads of time together, forgetting that you are still working and much younger than him with different objectives in life.

Hopefully he will eventually find things to fill his time so he will be less reliant on you. Anything he always wanted to do but didn't because he was too busy? Or volunteering somewhere? Is he getting depressed?

My kinder side would say that this is an adjustment for him. But my more usual side would find this selfish ( on his part) and very unattractive.

The age difference is such that you could find yourself alone while still fairly young ( sorry Op, that’s me being fairly blunt). Money aside, you do need to follow your own path - career and friendships.

And he needs to find a hobby - or perhaps do some locum/ contract work to keep himself from this nonsense.

A talk is needed. He needs to appreciate that your work and outside interests are important to you.

He is creeping into controlling emotional abuse territory and I'd be crystal clear with him that's it's not okay. You are allowed a life outside of work and outside of him 🤷‍♀️

I would tell him how he's making you feel and encourage him to find his own friends, hobbies or volunteer work.

Do not give up seeing your friends, family or interests, he is being completely unreasonable to expect that.

Heck I'd have been running from him not dropping the running club.

I'd say he's galloping rather than creeping into that territory!

I'd also be surprised if this is the first time he's displayed controlling behaviour.

You also need to think about saving for your own retirement, if he spends the joint money now, are you adequately saving for you?
You could be widowed at 60, and if you have lost all your friends it would be very difficult.

He is prepping you for you carer's role... Making him the focus of your life..
Hoping everyone else will be gone from your life so you accept your fate...

He never liked me going off for too long to be fair

He's always been controlling then. And no, it's not your fault that he does it.

OP - this isn't normal. Most people have no objection to their partner/spouse going off and doing their own thing, whether it's running or seeing friends.

You don't have to justify wanting to work. You don't have to justify wanting to see your friends. And you don't have to justify your wish to go for a run. The fact that he's made you feel that you have to is 100% wrong. It's abusive behaviour.

I experienced similar but not to the same degree when my husband retired and I continued to work. He drove me mad wanting to be with me and speak to me all of the time ( I am an introvert) . In my case my husband had a very social job and when he retired he was lonely. Things are now better as he has joined various groups and , goes regularly to the gym and has taken up growing veg. Your husband needs to find some hobbies or volunteer.

I feel suffocated just reading your post !!! You are in a relationship not a prison!!

I think what you have organised with date nights and taking DD to clubs etc etc is way more than fair and you shouldn’t be stopped from running or seeing your friends.

You really need to keep your friendships as the probability is high that you will be a widow at some point due to the age gap( sorry I don’t even like writing that) you will need family and friends to turn to at that time.

This is a huge problem and difference when men and women retire, women tend to have an umbrella of different sources for emotional connections and thrive under this system even if widowed, men... they usually depend entirely upon their wife for any and all emotional connection and suffer gravely if their wife dies.

He is trying to control you op, his behaviours when on the phone to friends, giving strict times for socialising with your own wider family, it's all designed to keep you isolated and all to himself.

It's wrong and he needs telling.

Why has he retired? He needs a life outside of you. Part time work, hobbies, something to take the heat off you.

Whether he does something with his life or not, you need to make it clear that he’s suffocating you, you’re younger than him and you have options. Give him a little jolt, make him see that 20 years younger can’t be ignored.

Sign back up to the running group. Do it now.

OP you said this....

his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings.

And then said this ...

I've never really seen him as controlling ...

This is utter bullshit on his part.

Has he been controlling like this before or is it just post retirement? He is being massively massively unreasonable.

Open your eyes. He is controlling you and you are letting it happen.

It's kind of his problem not yours. You can have a life and he needs to find his own life 'his new normal' or whatever you want to call it. You are in your 40s you could easily have another 20 years of working!

Exactly!

You are still young and going part-time just for his convenience now will have a massive effect on your own workplace pension.

So go back to how you were before he retired. Do not give in to his unreasonable demands, because that is what they are.

If he's bored, then tell him to get a part-time job or volunteer. Also, just because you can retire in your fifties or early sixties, doesn't mean you should. He should at least have considered partial retirement. That's what I'm doing. Working three days a week so getting the best of both worlds. Keeping my mind active, working in a job I like, but having extra time for myself.

Your partner is living his life how he wants. He doesn't get to dictate how you should live yours, because he's bored in the daytime!

@ZoraTheGrey we had an awful row last night over fathers day of all things because DIL invited us for lunch. He demanded that she invited other son, wife and kids too. Which I was expected to tell her. I did ask her if they were invited she said no just us and her parents. DH refused to go. I said fine I'll go without you.

He gets jealous if I visit them while he's off with his mates, jealous if I collect grandkids from school while he's off on his hobby finding them there when he returns.

He really expects me to be available 24/7. Fine if I'm cleaning, shopping but god forbid I should go anywhere else without him.

Well I'm not bloody having it!!!

The phrase 'nurse with a purse' springs to mind