to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

The sad reality is that with an age gap of 20 years, you won’t ever have the traditional retirement together to do stuff with as by the time you retire, he will at best be too old to enjoy it with you
It sounds like he has always been a bit jealous and controlling of your free time but the reality of retirement has brought the age difference into sharp focus. While you were both working, it was easy to pretend you were at similar life stages but it is now very obvious that you are not
It’s something you both need to acknowledge and work through. Counselling would probably be a good idea

I expected this to just be about the normal issues with an age difference or one retired partner, and about your DH just being a bit lonely at home all day. But what you describe goes quite far beyond that and can’t just be explained by his situation. It really sounds alarmingly controlling.

I think it would be unwise to give in to it at all, you need to see if it can be nipped in the bud or if there is something more serious going on. So I would say the goal is not to free up more time/sole attention from you, the goal is for him to change his attitude. I would not consider doing more to accommodate all this, and in fact I would up your visits to your friends and family and I would tell him you are rejoining running club as you’ve found you’ve really missed it. Just tell him straight when he objects that actually you need more control over your own free time and he needs to get used to being more independent now he is retired. If he persists I would say that his behaviour feels very controlling and it’s on him to address that, not on you to change everything.

Does he have form for being controlling?

Sorry OP I have just seen that you’ve already answered that, and he does by the sound of it. He has been very happy with you being as you as describe, conciliatory and ready to give ground. I think now with this transition is a really good time to set serious boundaries.

It absolutely is not the age gap, it's the OP's DH's character. I'm in my 50s and my DH is in his 70s and he has never behaved like this; he is encouraging and supportive of me seeing friends and family and having my own interests.

(Incidentally, there is no need to quote the OP, we know which thread we're responding to.)

my view - he shouldn’t have retired. Perhaps he could have gone part time?

you’re at different life stages which will make this difficult.

Don’t let him isolate you because he’s bored and has nothing else to focus on. That’s really undpfair of him. Please re-join your running club.

My dh is a bit like this - he's 64 next week, I'm 60. He usually works from home and I teach but have cut down my days recently. He has real FOMO - has no issue with me going out, doing stuff etc just looks a bit sad and pathetic when I get back. I just don't give details of what I've done. We are different creatures. Retirement needs to be well managed!

He needs to fill his days. He retired, his choice, he made that change. He needs a job/volunteer/whatever.

Don't change and give into these demands!

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We have a biggish age gap too. My DH carried on working part time and I retired at the first possible time so we sort of met in the middle. However then there were some surprise health issues which meant that for about 2 years we didn't go much of anywhere or do anything. Just as things looked up along came Covid. Here we are 10 years into retirement, going nowhere doing nothing. He's very happy with this, he is now slowing down generally whist I quietly tear out my hair. I'm currently on a mission to find a life. I've taken up an old hobby, joined an exercise class and next week, I'm off to the library to search out something to fill some of my days with a bit of joy. I'm seriously thinking about us moving from the home we love to an area where I know there is lots going on in the community. Please don't be me, get it sorted now.

I am astonished by how much you’ve already given up for this horrible, controlling and demanding man.

"But whatever the future holds - whether I'm caring for DH or not; whether I'm widowed early or not (hopefully not!) - I am going to need my friendships, my hobbies and my financial resources to be in the best shape possible!"

I'd point that out to him actually. Don't pussyfoot around the mortality issue just go straight at it. How about "Darling, of course life could throw us a curveball and land me under a bus next week but statistically speaking, you're 20 years older and male therefore likely to die about 24 years before I do. I thought about this when I married you and decided that you were worth it because I love you. When and if that day comes I am not planning to fling myself on your funeral pyre so need to maintain my job and friends/family networks so I don't have 24 years mooching about in impoverished loneliness. Before that happens, unless you have a sudden massive heart attack and drop dead bungee jumping or something, there is a fair old chance that I may have to spend some length of time spooning yoghurt into you and wiping your arse. I thought about that before I married you, and decided that it would be worth it, because I love you. However, I need to maintain my job and friendship networks so that I have somebody to talk to on the phone after a hard evening's arse wiping, and be able to afford to occasionally hire a respite carer for you so I can go out for the evening and treat my aging liver to a glass of wine with those of my friends who can still hold a conversation and a wine glass".

The dynamic is very clearly parent/child, which is a real imbalance in a marriage
He is hugely controlling and yours is a perfect example of the boiled frog analogy.
Should you not deal very firmly with this by reclaiming your independence, you are a ticking time bomb.
At some point you may lose someone you care about and the realisation that you didn't get to spend as much time as you wanted with them will cause you to be so upset.
I would think yours is very poor modelling for your daughter.
He wants your life to be as small as possible.
It is only a matter of time before you will want out for your sanity.
No one would blame you.
Controlling older men are deeply unattractive.

You've married someone 20 years older than you - it's obviously not going to work.
My Mum met someone similar. Met wife 2 when he was CEO at 47 and she was 30, married and then he retired at 60 and she was quite young still.

Get him a dog and go back to your running club and friends. It is not your purpose in life to make sure this man is entertained.

100% this. ^ @ZoraTheGrey The 20+ year age gap was never going to work long-term. I know some people say they have known loads of age gap couples with a generation between them that have worked out fine, and they've stayed together since she was 20 and he was 40 - until she was 70 and he was 90.

In the real world, with such an age gap it is very hard to maintain a good relationship. You are constantly at completely different stages in life.

All you can do is ignore his childish toddler tantrums and get on with what you want to do.

He’s retired way too young. He should be working to help put your DD through college or uni.

this read so creepily. Like a novel where the husband is controlling but pot-boiling bit by bit so the wife doesn't realise until it's really bad. Giving you disappointed looks if you're even on the phone to a friend???

Imagine 20 years in the future. You've been trying to meet up with your dd for months (you're pretty lonely now your DH has died and you've lost touch with all your friends because you kept refusing invites) but she keeps putting you off because her DP limits how often she can meet you. You ask her how her hobby group is going - she replies that she's stopped doing it because her DP missed her too much. You ask if she's going to the work Christmas party - no, DP doesn't want her to go. Did she go for that big promotion she was thinking of? No, DP said it would mean she was away from home too much. You ask how Friend X is - she doesn't know, she hasn't seen her for ages because DP doesn't like her. How about friend Y? Well your DD was supposed to go to her big 30th party but its on one of the days she's "ringfenced" to spend time with her DP so she can't go. How about friend Z? Oh DD spoke to her earlier in the week, she seemed to be fine but she had to end the call early because DP was staring at her guiltily so they didn't get a chance to really catch up...
but it's okay mum, he's really fun! And after all, your relationship with dad was pretty much the same, so there can't be anything unhealthy about it, right?

Why is he not doing most of the housework and chores?!

It can work, but like all relationships, it takes compromise from both sides. My Uncle was 15 years older than my Aunt. When he retired she was obviously still working so he got himself a part time gardening job through Age Concern. She worked part time (her choice) so it suited them both - time together and time doing other things. She died 12 years ago and he's still going strong at 89 and still loves to see people

DH and I have a 20 year age gap. It works for us we have similar interests and he's more keen to go out that I am so he's definitely not holding me back! Once he'd got used to retirement, which was hard for him at first as he didn't really want to retire when he did, our roles became more defined - he does the housework, I work.

I hope OP and her husband can work things out one way or another, whether that's as a couple or apart.

it does sound a bit predatory- he was older, earned more, looked after you as had a mental health crisis…..

anyway I have a solution - he goes back to work part time to fund the family, and you drop your hours. Then the time when you are both not working you spend some time together and some time doing your own thing

Excellent post @easylikeasundaymorn

If he were my husband he would be under the patio by now. How dare he treat you like this.
It will get worse and worse.
He is still quite young but he is behaving like an old man.
You are going to have to be brutally honest with him because otherwise you are going to end up hating him.

Oh and my (we're both retired) husband does most of the household chores. Yours should be doing all of them.

He sounds a bit insecure. Maybe the age gap has hit home a bit and he feels less needed and useful as he is not 'working' (though he sounds great at doing the household jobs).

He might need a bit of reassurance but also a clear and firm assertion from you that you have a right to pursue your career and see your family and friends as well as keep fit. You are still young. You can't mentally retire yet just because he has retired!