to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

yes, and realistically, OP, if your lives follow average lifespans you are going to be alone - as an older woman, having given up your support systems.

Don't let that happen. rejoin the running club for starters.

It sounds like he is priming you to be his carer/nanny/housemaid/entertainment and being his wife, he is entitled to your time, energy and attention.

Why did he retire with no plans for hobbies and volunteering?

U3A?
Mens Shed?
Volunteering for him?

Yes, this. It sounds like living with a recalcitrant 8 year old (I have an actual recalcitrant 8 year old who tries to control everything we do so the stiflingness does feel familiar! But hopefully mine might grow out of it).

Also OP it's not your fault if he's controlling. He's a moral agent with ability to decide how he behaves.

But yes go back to the running club and everything else. If you actually feel you want more time together you could ring fence one evening a week and occasional weekends as couple time. If you want to.

But he needs to internalize the fact he is not entitled to all of you.

he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return

Love, if you don't see that as controlling, what does he have to do? Literally lock you in the house?

I suspect he's always been controlling, sometimes older men seek out younger women because they are more malleable. But it's getting worse.

Rejoin your running club. And stop trying to appease his control. That's his issue to deal with. His reaction to you having proper boundaries and a good range of outside activities, friends and family should tell you all you need to know.

He either needs:
to volunteer
go on a course (wrong time of year but he could look for September)
start a new hobby
get a part time job

what does he like to do?

He needs to get a hobby and/or a part time job.
Perhaps , he could take up golf. Every retired male I know has taken up golf and is completely obsessed. This may keep him busy
Btw- Go back to your running club

Spluttered with laughter at this one (and especially the comment on 'ringfencing' time for the post)... <3

Wow ok - thank you for all the responses. I've been given a lot to think about here.

For those pointing out that retirement is a difficult transition, I think that's totally right and that DH did get excited by the possibility without doing sufficient planning for how he would spend the rest of his free time. Hobbies, volunteering or going back to work are definitely things he needs to consider. It could be a very long solo retirement for him and the next years / (hopefully) decades won't be fulfilling for either of us if we carry on as we are.

Oh, and we already have a dog!

To everyone who has pointed out about DH's controlling behaviours: thank you for putting it in those terms because it has already given me a bit of a wake-up call. Yes there is definitely a long-term pattern here where he hasn't been too keen on me having much of a life outside of work and the marriage. I grew up with parents who did everything together outside of work and didn't really have their own separate friendships and activities, so I think I found it quite easy to accept that as a model for marriage. Unfortunately that model doesn't suit me and isn't doing him favours right now either.

Seeing friends or going for a run has always felt like a selfish indulgence to me, particularly when it meant DH looking after DD whilst I was out, as it sometimes has. It would be fine if DH did his own things too but because he generally doesn't want to, it always leaves our relationship in this state of imbalance. I'm not sure why he doesn't want to do more with his friends. I think it's partly that he's lost touch with some of his old interests (used to play a lot of sport and physical health makes this more difficult for him now) and partly that a lot of his best friends are single men and in quite a different place in life to him these days. Maybe he is depressed? Definitely something for me to explore with him.

My instinct to conciliate and give ground is quite a long-established pattern for me and I think there has always been a power imbalance in my relationship. When DH and I first got together, he used to earn a lot more than me; he had paid off the mortgage on his own home whilst I still wasn't a homeowner. I ended up moving rent-free into a home I'd never contributed to before. When I got pregnant, he footed lots of bills. I have also been through a period of mental illness where he had to provide me with a lot of emotional and practical support. He has never said anything to suggest that he thinks I'm in his debt because of this - it all felt like loving support from him - but I have always felt indebted and guilty about these things.

To those pointing out that this could all be a rehearsal for a future of caring for my DH... I hear you. I've always accepted that I might have to provide DH with a lot of care and support. I did so for DM in the past before losing her so have some sense of the practicalities and emotional challenges this can entail. But whatever the future holds - whether I'm caring for DH or not; whether I'm widowed early or not (hopefully not!) - I am going to need my friendships, my hobbies and my financial resources to be in the best shape possible!

I really liked the comment from someone about the model I should provide to my daughter.

Thank you everyone who has commented so far.

That’s what I was thinking! He’s getting Op ready to be his nurse.

Do not give up your friends and hobbies. YOU will need them when you are 60 and he is possibly no longer around. He needs to understand his issues are with adjusting to being retired not with you. Stop being the one that compromises all the time. He is retired and could be busy doing housework etc so you have more free time together. But he also needs a life if his own. This is not sustainable.

We have the same age gap as OP and my DH retired a couple of years ago. At first he was very down as he missed working and felt he had no purpose (he couldn't carry on for health reasons) but now he's settled into it and although I think he would like to still work part time he's doing OK and is pretty much a full time house husband!

I'm being made redundant later this year and I'm going to take 3-6 months off work so we can do some things together as I know we'll never have a traditional retirement together. I may then try and find a part time job, or one with compressed hours rather than working full time as I have no urge to work. The difference is it's because I want to, not because I'm being told to. Work has always been something I do because I have to, because I want a roof over my head and to go on holiday. If I enjoyed my job like OP then I would be really resentful of going part time.

We talked about moving away a few years ago and one of the reasons we didn't go was because DH was worried about me being left on my own away from my friends. OP, please think very carefully before being isolated from family and friends.

Also, get him to do half of ferrying daughter round at the weekend. That would be fairer, otherwise when is your free time?

Hey OP, I'm really sorry to read your post and (haven't read all the comments but) just want to reassure you along with everyone else that YANBU and that your DH needs to get some other hobby/ interest/ friendship group to remove the pressure on you to make his life worthwhile.

Go back to your running club, go for a weekend away with your friends, spend as much time as you want with your siblings... You are not responsible for entertaining your DH now that he's retired - that's on him.

Some options: your DH could get some therapy to work out what he needs to feel fulfilled without controlling and curtailing you; your DH could go back to work P/T, take a consultancy role, mentor some younger people, try lecturing or research, study for a PhD, write a book; or you could get couple's counselling so that you can express how you feel and he can understand how unreasonable he is. But if he wants to continue hemming you in with his demands, then in your shoes I'd leave him. Your life is your own and a partner who loves you will support that.

Best of luck

This is interesting to hear. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's easy to think that appeasement will make the other person happy but I can see that actually it tends to lead them to take more and more, and not resolve whatever issue it is that leaves them feeling a need to make demands in the first place. I have been guilty of making this mistake.
(Not, incidentally, that I think it is wrong for my partner to have requests and expectations of our relationship - just that I think in my relationship, and by the sounds of it in yours, those expectations became unfair.)

Thank you! Needed to hear this. Could feel my spine straightening and shoulders broadening with confidence when I read this.

Good point, thanks - I suppose I can only change what I do; I can't make him change what he wants and how he feels.

Why don't you get him to joing his local U3A. That should fill his days up.

It's stiffened mine no end thanks for the thread

If you get decent holiday allowance from work and money isn’t too much of an issue, get him onto planning holidays? Lovely family time for you all to look forward to and a bit of life admin you can probably do without! It won’t fill all his time but perhaps it will give him something to look forward to.

I think really what you've described is that he's always been controlling but you've been able to carve out some freedom whilst he was working and now he's not that freedom is disappearing. This will get so so much worse to the point your completely isolated.

It's time to make a change OP, you need your life back and you tell him you will see your family when ever you like for however long you like.

OP this is going to sound extremely harsh and it maybe harsh but it is reality. You've spent far to long appeasing he needs you, far more than you need him.... you need to let him know that. Yes he had a good job, yes he has a decent pension but you have a successful career of your own, you could walk out of that door tomorrow buy a house all on your own and have still have a successful career and happy life. He will have a very lonely retirement. That's upto him to change his ways or face the consequences.

My mother suggested to my father very strongly that he get a hobby when he retired, or he wouldn't be around to enjoy his retirement very long.

Has he tried golf?

And my neighbours joined a walking football team, and seemed to have a lot of fun with that.

You cannot be his everything. And he shouldn't be asking or wanting you to. It's simply not fair, or healthy, for either of you.

This screams a man who doesn’t want to loose his young attractive wife to a younger guy so he is controlling her.

The harsh reality is that he chose to have a relationship with you, and therefore he accepted going into retirement while his partner is still working and at a different stage of life.

Controlling you is obviously unreasonable. Creating rules, or expecting you to give up your hobbies is awful. It seems like if you don't establish boundaries now this will only get worse.

He needs to find his own way to get by.

Also, if you are working and he isn't, it's shocking that you split the housework equally!

He apparently doesn’t realise that if he carries on like this, you’re going to have to escape for your own sanity.

Good question. My dad retired at 68. Because he decided to marry twice and had a second child in his late 40s.

If you decide to marry someone much younger, there are demands there as well. It doesn't just work the other way.

And for goodness sake rejoin the running club and do things without him OP!

And tell him to get a hobby. Or two. Or three!

And keep your job in case you decide to find a younger model. Maybe that's what he's worried about now - he feels stuck at home and thinks you are out and about meeting younger men. Well if he turns into a miserable so and so, you will. He needs to get himself a life and friends, so he doesn't feel lonely threatened.