to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

He is 60 something and his mindset and energy levels will change. He will be slowing down now, normal part of ageing. You are both at different stages in life. Hopefully you can sit down and talk about this and he will understand . Best of luck as you are still young with so much ahead of you.

Good lord, if ever there was a man who needed to take up golf, it's this one.

He needs to go back to work.

his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD

What does this mean?

Why did he retire so young?

He needs to go back to work. Early 60s is quite young to retire these days.

It's not your job to be there by his side day and night. Please go back to all your hobbies, run club, seeing friends and family. He'll drain you totally into a husk of yourself if you don't out a stop to it.

He’s expecting too much from you. You need some down time between work and the pressure him at home waiting to spend time with you.

Perhaps you could take up a joint hobby and sort of bow out once he’s happy spending time on it. Apparently golf is well known for taking up a lot of weekends!

You sound lovely OP. Very caring and thoughtful. I thought I was about to face this, with a somewhat similar sounding husband, about ten years older and who prefers my company to other company. I don't think mine is controlling per se. Just wants to hang out with me - so I was worried about his impending retirement as I need space (secrets to a happy marriage for me: separate bathrooms; separate duvets; shift work).

But at 66 he's just got a new full time job. Which I wasn't expecting at all!

One thing I would say is we (especially if we have older husbands, but all of us really) should prioritise our friendships and wellbeing. I make time for my friends and often leave my husband at home despite the slight guilt his hangdog face gives me. We will need those friendships and friendship requires investment.

I think your husband sounds completely out of pro and agree with others it sounds controlling. Can you do councilling together? Overall he doesn't sound abusive just needy and it would be a shame to throw away an otherwise happy marriage when it could be repaired.

Definitely go back to running club and pick back up with friends. You make very good points you will need all this if you end up caring for dh at the end. And as pps said you are a person not an entertainer for dh and you need to consider the example you set for your dd.

You sound like a really sensible person. Respect yourself and I'm sure whatever happens you will be fine

I can’t believe you have dropped out of a running club, limited time with friends, time with your family and are even considering going part time to keep an adult bloke company?

He sounds suffocating, controlling and selfish. How dare he put limits on time you can spend with your family, or set your curfew?

Was he this controlling before?

You will regret cutting off your friends and hobbies. Go out, see your friends, turn your phone off and don’t give in. If he’s so miserable it’s up to him to do something about it - he needs a job.

Incidentally OP, it's 100% the age gap causing this problem. A friend of mine married a man 20 years older, he's pretty well off aswell but he behaves exactly the same as your DH. He would sit and cry when she went out without him beg her not to go etc, he bought a massive house miles from anywhere to seclude her and both her kids left as they didn't want to live in the middle of nowhere.

She still goes out though probably not so often as she did before she met him but she did stand her ground. I'm not sure how he is now as we haven't spoken in a while.

Controlling your time, isolating you from friends and family guilt tripping etc to get his own way…you’re being emotionally abused.

No, it's the DH causing the problem. In both cases.

The age gap may make it worse, but if you read the OP's posts, he's been displaying controlling behaviour for a while, even when they were both working.

I felt claustrophobic just reading that.

He is like this just after a few months.

Like a boiled frog, he will get worse and you will just take it, unless you take action now.

Stop all the ring fencing and if he doesn’t like it, so be it, the marriage ending will not be the end of the world.

Wow this man is very controlling!
I felt suffocated just reading it!

You do have a responsibility to be a parent and partner and so sometimes compromises need to be made but this isn’t compromising, it’s controlling.

Your life should not have changed much from when he was working to now he’s retired.

He should be going more parenting and taking up hobbies/volunteer work if he’s bored.

You are not there to entertain him when he’s bored, you are your own person not a bloody puppet.

You’re unreasonable for giving in thus far and letting him think this is ok. It’s not, you need to sit down for a serious chat.

Agreed. Blaming this on the age difference is letting a controlling, creepy man off the hook.

How embarrassing that a grown man can't entertain himself without his wife.

this is not because he loves you so much. He's controlling and being an arse.

Please restart running and stop giving in to him. please.

I'm early sixties.

My mindset and energy levels are just fine thank you. I'm certainly not slowing down.

Another ageist post on here.

I agree.

I also think that the posters telling the OP that he needs to take up golf/get a job/find a hobby are completely missing the point.

The OP's DH was controlling when he was working full time. Now he's got more time on his hands, the controlling behaviour has become more extreme. But it was always there, and it's not going to go away!

OP - please hear me on this... normal partners do not expect to be able to dictate when you return from a run or an outing with friends. They do not set curfews, or place restrictions on you. They are pleased when you have a hobby you enjoy (like running), rather than resenting it.

It sounds like your DH has always been a bit possessive but whilst he worked it wasn't such a problem. I'd say he needs to find things to fill his time but he doesn't sound like he wants hobbies or voluntering, he just wants to hang on to you. You're still a young woman and he's getting older and he's insecure, he probably thinks unless he has his eye on you someone else younger will steal you away.
For what it's worth, I'm 10 years younger than my DP and soon to retire and I have no plans to try and make him change, I'll find ways to fill my time without caging him in

It certainly sounds like he is struggling with his loss of status, work social life etc now he has retired. But that's the same for everyone unless they have thought it through and realised their lives, and their self-image, will change fundamentally when they stop work.
(And with that, put plans into place to help with the transition away from the world of work. This was strongly emphasised on a pre-retirement conference my employers sent me on. )
It doesn't seem as if he has done this so he needs to give his future serious thought. As it is, his behaviour might seriously affect his marriage because I hope you're not going to put up with this for much longer.
It's a one-way street and it's all going in his direction.

Yes of course it's the DH's causing it but the reasoning is definitely the age gap in my opinion. The age gap has always been there ie when he was 50 she was 30's exactly same as my friend. My friend is really pretty as well and completely immaculate, OP is probably the same. These guys are terrified of ending up old and alone.

You and I have a very similar situation it seems. Same ages and age difference, same problem with being slowly suffocated by a DH who is incapable of entertaining himself on his own. I WFH, so feel a bit like I have this overactive puppy waiting in the other room for me to finish work and play. Always fobbing off invites from friends to meet up etc, and limiting visits to my family because he'll always insist on coming with me but gets fed up of them after a day or two so it's just not worth the stress. My advice to a younger me would be run to the hills, but I'm in too deep now and just have to grin and bear it. I'd say 85% of the time we're great, but my patience with the 15% is wearing so thin I'm not sure it will hold forever...

I've been where you are OP and my advice is to stick to your guns.
Rejoin your running club and live like you used to before your DH retired.

It sounds like your DH didn't think through his own retirement before making the decision -surely as he's 20 years older than you, he must have realised that your retirement was likely to be many years after his? On that note, if you are considering early retirement, ensure that you realise what impact this will have on your own pension.

Basically DH needs something to do in his life - if he hasn't already, he needs to find clubs and groups that are of interest. He could also do voluntary work that will give him some structure to his days and benefit society.