to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

I need to think about how I've let that happen and if I can change the pattern for both our sakes.

How do you propose to change another adults patterns? You cant. Just started doing your own thing, tell him to stop calling you when you are out. Join back your running club, and for the love of god spend as much time with your family as you want!!!
Just be prepared for him acting worse when you refuse to be controlled.

I'm going to be charitable here, and say that some people get really weird when they retire and suddenly don't have their daily structure around them. What does he do all day while you're at work? He needs a new enthralling hobby (it's either going to be cycling, smoking meat or WW2 history, I warn you now), and you need to put your foot down and go back to the hobbies you enjoyed before he guilted you into stopping them.

100% this

Maybe he could go back to work part time. I don’t think you should have to change the way you’ve always lived.

So he's feeling lonely and his solution is to dictate what you can and cannot do!

He needs to sort his own life out and find useful and interesting things to do with his time. He could take up a new hobby, do something useful round the house, volunteer, join U3A - the list is endless. It is HIS problem to solve.

Seems like he's bored & he's looking to you to fill his time/ something to look forward to.

What does he do all day while DD is at school? He really needs something to do outside of the house

I hope this is just teething pain while he gets used to the new normal

I would press on him though that he needs to put effort in to creating a new life in retirement. Pottering round the house on your own makes people very old and very boring very quickly.

I would reinstate my life and if he had a problem I would divorce him .

Mine has an E bike, a boat, goes fishing and shooting, he still expects me to be available and is jealous if while he's swanning around I have a cup of coffee in a friends or families house.

I'm beyond angry, he's irrational IMO.

I work, my OH is retired. We are more similar ages than you two are but there is absolutely NO WAY I would tolerate this and no way that my DH would expect (or even want) it. You are not his toy designed to amuse him in each and every minute of your down time. Frankly you have been massively unreasonable to concede to all these adjustments to your life so meekly!

Regardless of his intent, you absolutely must keep your independence. With a twenty year age gap, you are almost guaranteed to end up surviving him. With no job,friends or hobbies you will end up isolated and utterly miserable for potentially years at that point. As a matter of priority, you need to guard against it

He needs a hobby.

You're still young. You need to maintain your other relationships and keep on building your career and own pension while you still can.

What would worry me about this scenario is that if he hasn't any hobbies, doesn't do much in the day etc then his health could decline quite rapidly. You might have to retire to become his carer.

I would be putting my foot down and telling him you are going back to running club and won't change what you do. He needs to sort himself out - golf, walking, volunteering....

And there's no way I'd be doing 50% of the housework if he's not working!

Exactly what I was thinking but not sure how to word. Rejoin your club and don’t give up your job. He needs to sort his own time out and perhaps a part time job would be good.

He needs a part-time job or consultancy/volunteering role.

I don’t understand why you left your running club. Why did you not just say no, I don’t want to?

Going back to my mother and MILs time when they ended up alone, death, divorce. The thing that struck me was the " Merry widow" syndrome. They suddenly had freedom and weren't answerable to anyone. They had a much better life to be honest.

I don’t think he’s necessarily controlling. I think he’s had a rose-tinted view of retirement, like many people do, but didn’t actually have a plan what he was going to do and now feels bored and aimless.

Its up to him to find a way to occupy
himself, he can’t expect you to change your life and give up things you enjoy just to suit him.

I think you need to tell him to grow up. He (presumably) chose to retire so early so it's for him to sort out what he does for the rest of his life. If he has plenty of savings (as opposed to you having shared savings) you need to be putting money into your savings. Do you pool your incomes or does he keep his pension whilst you are supposed to use your wages to run the household?

And if he isn't working, he should be stepping up to do more house stuff.
Honestly I could not be doing with the 'disappointed' looks, he would be getting a mouthful from me. Model good behaviour for your daughter by taking no nonsense and please rejoin your running club!

I feel for you, OP. My DH (ten years older than I am) is retired; I work (part-time) still. We see a lot of each other! BUT he enjoys time on his own, as do I. In fact, on my WFH days (I do 2 days a week in the office, 2 at home), I encourage him to go out because otherwise I don’t get much time at home on my own, and I really enjoy having the house to myself sometimes, even if I’m working. I think DH & I would kill each other if we had to spend all day every day together!
It sounds to me that your DH hasn’t yet found the ‘thing’ to fill his day/week/life now that he doesn’t work. He definitely needs something and with the best will in the world, it shouldn’t be you.

YANBU. It almost sounds as if your DH is showing a developing child-like neediness. Absolutely do not give up your activities and hobbies to pander to him. However much of your time you devote to him, he will want still more - it will never be enough and will become all-consuming for you.

Also, as time goes on, it will grate on your patience more and more and you may find yourself feeling increasingly (and rightly) resentful. It's really important that you have your own space and your own life. Especially (and I hate to say it) if his health declines when he's older and both he and you have less choices open to you.

I agree with the suggestion of getting a dog. Also, is there a local Mens Shed or group that might appeal? Or The University of the Third Age - u3a - Home - my late father was involved in a musical instrument aspect of this, which he found very fulfilling.

Best wishes to you.

Exactly this. I felt uncomfortable reading your OP. It's stifling. He either needs to get a job to fill his time and back off or else just back off and stop trying to control you. You can't have 20 more years of this and I fear it will only get worse.

Oh and you need to get back to the running club.

Maybe she isn't allowed her phone after 4pm....

And rejoin your running club.
You are not here to entertain him
I'd feel completely suffocated
Why did he retire?
I have a friend in the same position as your dh.
They hated retirement
So went and got another job.
Would this be an option for your dh?
Maybe something part time?

To be fair the OP started the thread less than an hour ago, give her a chance!

Ok - if you are early 40s, perimenopause isn't too far away - please keep up the running and social contact with your friends as it will be invaluable for your fitness levels and mental health.

He's trying to isolate you from everything you enjoy and people you enjoy spending time with, and you're even considering going part time to please him even though you love your job
He wants your life to revolve around him and only him
Step back and see he is controlling you
Ok He's 20 years older, but you are also 20 years younger and need your own life
Please don't give up your hobbies and friends
If he truly loved you, he'd want you to be happy.