to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

[ZoraTheGrey]

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

• DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
• We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
• DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
• Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
• DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

He's controlling. It sounds like coercive control, to be honest. He is gradually cutting you off from your friends and family. Take your life back, OP. Don't let this go on. And for the love of god, re-join your running club. Do it today. Why on earth did you give it up?

He's having a hard time adjusting to retirement. Have a proper talk about it. explain you cannot be 'needed' 24/7. You have a demanding job, and the usual demands of family, home relationship. You need time alone and doing your own thing to decompress. You want quality time with him, balanced with quality time with your friends, family and alone.

Get him to sort out some goals for the next year - fitness goals, charity work, U3A or similar. If he keeps insisting you are his emotional support human he will push you away.

He's got to much time on his hands to over think...
I think he's worried you will meet someone else as he's much older or he's worried how much time he has left... one or the other.

You need to have a serious talk and say he's being controlling you need to be blunt about it. IE your showing controlling behaviour and it's suffocating me and pushing me away.

Join the running club again and tell him he either needs a hobby or to return to work part time because you can't be the only person he has to keep him from being lonely your busy working and deserve some you time.

He's being unreasonable about your family aswell I'm afraid and it's isolating you which you need to tell him.
You have to stop trying to change to please him the more you do the more he will want.

Do not do anything else that leads you to further isolation and reverse the running club decision make it none negotiatiable.

I would also have a serious talk with him about what the issue is aswell, If it's concern you will leave for someone else tell him this will split you anyway as you can't live like this.

Quite amusing that a PP is also missing the presence of the OP😂.

I haven’t been in your situation, but I have had a partner who has been disapproving about spending social time. I gave up a lot to be with him, but I realised it didn’t really help. He still wasn’t happy. He was controlling my stuff because of problems he was experiencing. Ultimately putting down boundaries and pursuing my own passions helped show him he had to be responsible for himself.

Maybe he should get a job he enjoys (possibly part time) if being retired is having such an adverse affect on him? Is he happy being retired? Some people struggle a lot. My Mum hated / hates it in many ways, she feels like she lacks purpose.

Why hasn't she ring fenced time for this thread?? 😂

How suffocating!!! This is a prison. I will turn my phone off every time am out

This is insane. His demands are absolutely outrageous.

Go back to your running club.

Don't suggest to him don't even tell him - order him to find a hobby.

He is behaving this way because deep down he doesn't see you as a separate, fully formed human being.

He sees you as an extension of his personality.

He has no respect for your job. He has no respect for your relationships with friends or family. He is a monumentally selfish man.

The two of you need to go to marriage counseling as a matter of extreme urgency. You need to plan out the years ahead and he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his current behaviour is completely unacceptable.

This.

Do not go part time, if for no other reason than the impact it would have on your pension and ability to create savings!

When it’s your turn to retire, you are (sorry) likely to not have him to rely on financially.

Beyond that, I simply wouldn’t stand for this level of control. You are not being unreasonable at all and he needs to have it spelled out that things need to change or he’ll be very lonely indeed.

I would have a think about what your hard boundaries are and communicate those to him. This isn’t a sustainable situation otherwise.

He is controlling, and if you don't stop this NOW, it'll only get worse.

He needs to get a part-time job, a regular volunteering role, a friendship group, one or two hobbies, a dog....... in other words: a life.

Why have you capitulated with all of his ridiculous "wants"? He wants this, he wants that - what you want matters too! I feel suffocated just reading your original post.

My husband dropped to 3.5 days at work a year or so ago, I only work part-time but do some voluntary work too. He initially assumed that when he wasn't working I'd be available to keep him company/entertained, so I've had to be quite firm that that's not a given. I will not stop working and I will not stop volunteering, so he has had to find things to do himself, although that largely involves mowing! If I suggest things he could do he'll say "you don't need to find things for me to do", but if I don't then he's a bit lost - but that's his issue to solve not mine.

Your DH needs to find his own interests to fill his time. Please don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

He is the poster boy for controlling.

That ^^

My dad was incredibly clingy to me after he retired and mum died
He now has a group of friends at the pub, a few at Morrisons cafe and he's started gardening as he puts it "for the elderly" (he's 75....!)
Now I can't get a day to see him

massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Your DH is being very unreasonable.

He needs to get a life, basically.

You like your job and want to continue developing in it, and yet you think that not wanting to go part time might make you unreasonable?

Are you serious?

Has your husband lost agency? Or have you lost all sense of what you need and what is right for you all as a family?

Read the book Not nice by Dr Aziz Gazipura.

Seems like controlling behaviour. Awful.

don’t acquiesce to it!

This.

YYY to this.

I'd tell him to stop trying to tell me what to do (and time limits on time with your family? big fat no) and that he had plenty of time to plan for things to occupy his time in retirement.
He has a great opportunity here to do more with your DD

Things that you do for you, OP, are important. That shouldn't be curtailed.

You are not his entertainment manager, OP.

Let's make one thing very, very clear. Every one of his positive attributes are irrelevant. He is shockingly controlling, suffocating, and trying to alienate you from your friends and family. Your marriage will not survive this if he does not immediately get a fucking grip. You are not his security blanket.

"Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself eBook : Gazipura, Aziz: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store" https://www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=27MU5ODGMU7I&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.QEnuwxVPuu6Conx2-7rHbjJ8ZB_ui2XBhbNS4x-FUbLTd3RrJBoxd7I1HAdvu7auoCEhRmVzNoB-RshoQq_0frbPKI2QBjnkbTCFjZSmkD_7Cx8QpZBg_qeRtAz1Tg38h_ppjxEun1Ima4G0805sqg.p6tAK_etu1JgeDmdmMaNdZ3bWeI2o2y16AEb-sI_xRM&dib_tag=se&keywords=Aziz+Gazipura&qid=1718379321&sprefix=aziz+gazipura%2Caps%2C435&sr=8-1

Interesting book, and comments

If he is fit and well, could he return to work part time to fill his week a little bit? Volunteer somewhere?

I wouldn't go part time, I think it'd cause you to resent him.

He needs to find something to do with his time without relying on you to fill it. And he should not be restricting your time with family/friends/DD. Absolutely not.