Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

This.

Cousins and his sister. Sorted.

This sounds like a wise move . I was a bridesmaid about 15 years ago for my friend and she is close to her husbands sister who was about 16 back then but didn’t ask them to be a bridesmaid

I think there were six of us bridesmaids including the MOH and we stayed overnight in her house the night before and had such a fun morning together. She chose close friends! All of us, bar one, are still in her life.

Personally, choose who you want to and encourage DP to find a role for his sister/niece within the wedding if he so wishes. Without your mum there you need to have other people to support you through the day. You don't need the stress of people you aren't really close to being in that close group.

I'm generally of the 'you should have who you want' school of thought as being with you when you get ready is a very personal thing. I like my sil but no way would I have wanted her there. We asked her to do a reading and sign the register instead so she had a role

However, I only had 2 bridesmaids (and only 20 people at my ceremony!). I think having 6 including moh and not including her seems odd, particularly if I understand rightly that all other siblings will have a role. As for the niece, is it a done deal that her younger sister is flower girl? If it is I think you have to ask her, or you are playing favourites with the nieces surely? You should have decided this before you started asking your brother to be groomsmen, niece to be flower girl etc.

Yeah it makes no sense to put “someone first” just because they’re going to be legally family” soon. If she was close with her soon to be SIL fine, but there’s some clearly unease and distance between them. Why on earth put her before her close friends who are warm and loving to her just because of a title? Absurd.

Also it’s likely the sister doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid anyway and it doesn’t sound like she’ll be much good at hiding it, the same way they haven’t hidden their lack of interest in OPs attempts to hang out.

OP has made good efforts to build connections with soon to be SIL which haven’t been reciprocated. I don’t think a wedding is the right time to try again. She will have a lifetime of opportunities to try and bond with her SIL after the wedding. If that’s what they both want.

His niece will be your niece soon and his sister will be your sister in law. These people will be in your life for a very long time (potentially) so I'd include them personally.

That said I think trying to coordinate that many bridesmaids will be an absolute headache, they'll all have different opinions on what they want to wear etc.

I'd do this too.

1 MOH. 6 bridesmaids. 3 flower girls.

6 groomsmen. 1 best man.

More than 10% of the wedding attendees are going to be in the bridal party.

Surely you can find a role for the SIL and cousins somewhere? It'll look like a huge snub otherwise.

I’ve not read the whole thread but why have such a large party? You could have say your MOH and flower girl, and ask your friends to come help you get ready in the morning/spend time with you before.

If you have his sister/niece as bridesmaid doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll see them much in the morning. Are the sister/nieces close? Could they share a room to get ready in and you get ready with your friends?

Also, unless you’re millionaires that’s a lot of ushers to buy/rent suits for. Sack half of them off and get the DF to meet them in the pub an hour beforehand for a quick drink to quench the nerves.

I didn’t have my SIL as a bridesmaid and we’re actually quite friendly and close now. I just had my two best friends. To be fair, my husband didn’t really care so it was easier. We asked my SIL to be a witness so she still had a role but just wasn’t a bridesmaid.

I'd go with the MOH you've chosen then family from both sides.

Can you just buy the other two a bridesmaid dress, let them walk down together but not have them with your bridal party in the morning?

All of them if u want them

Sister and cousins. Explain it's just family.

Do any of these people actually WANT to be a bridesmaid?

Select those 5 you want

Find other roles for his family. Head of flower girls and something else.

Why though? He is having his golf friends as ushers, so it isn't just family anyway, and she doesn't have a good relationship with his sister.

Are you getting married in a cathedral with 200 guests? Unless this is a very big Do, with lots of guests to usher, this seems like overkill.

Not the work friends. The future sil should be considered and the other two relatives on his side be flower girls (older one looks after the little one).

You need to somehow move away from the need to match the grooms men numbers as that is an unnecessary pressure (I got stuck in that loop for a while too, it’s not criticism-none of this is). Your husband also needs to stop pressuring you - is he always like that or is it just a case of weddings bringing out the mad in people?

Basically, clear your mind and imagine the wedding day - who would you be upset about not being there with you getting ready on the day? And then ask who you’d be upset to omit when looking at the pictures and reminiscing a few decades years down the line

MOH, 2 cousins, 1 close friend, his sister, niece and then the flower girl

Just to add OP, if you’re worrying about the costs.

I was a bridesmaid a couple of years ago. There were 7 of us bridesmaids. The bride and groom paid for our dresses and for our hair to be styled. (which honestly must have cost a fortune).

Then we (bridesmaids) all paid for our makeup doing, shoes, clutch bags. I would have been happy to pay for my dress and hair too but the bride wouldn’t let me.

Are 'groomsmen' another thing we've imported from the US? Didn't it used to be a best man and a few ushers to wrangle the mob?

I’d go with the two cousins on your side, his sister and the flower girls sister… with their MOH and the flower girl, that evens out the wedding party too 😊

Have you considered any bridesmen?