Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

I’d have your 2 cousins and his sister. If his niece has never been a bridesmaid I’d ask her too

I would be more inclined to include those who haven't been bridesmaids or married themselves, a 16 year old could feel quite left out if her sister is flower girl and she hasn't been in a wedding party.

Or extremely awkward at being required to wear a dress of someone else’s choosing and being a bridesmaid when she hardly knows the bride…

Well we don't know if any proposed bridesmaid wants to be until they are asked.

If your DH has a best man + 5 ushers and you would like- and can afford- to balance this out, I'd pick your cousins and three closest friends in addition to your MoH - so 5 + MoH- and have your two work friends as wedding guests. Ask him to choose his sister as a witness or have her give a reading.

I'd personally have neither niece as I think that's an extra level of faff to include them and you can push the fact that traditionally these roles wouldn't be for relatives of the groom back at him if he complains. If you can't get out of having a flower girl without causing problems (ie the little one knows) would he trust his 16 yo niece to give a reading if his sister is a witness? Does the 16yo even want to be the wedding party and spend her morning getting ready amongst a bunch of people at a different age and stage of life, to whom she's an outsider.

Fwiw, if it helps, DH had 3 ushers plus a best man and I had 3 bridesmaids plus a MoH. He wanted to match me. I am an only child and I was able to pick my dearest friends, two of whom had had me as their bridesmaid. DH had his best friend, his two brothers and one of my cousins that he knows and is friendly with as his other good friend couldn't make it from the US and another friend he would've liked to ask was an uncertain attendee until late in the day.

We picked a witness each - I chose a friend that I know through and hang out with via 2 of my bridesmaids as I wanted to show her I value her too and DH chose his sister to give her a visible role to match her brothers. We also each chose someone to give a reading, I picked a school friend that I am close to - though slightly less than the bridesmaids- and wanted to give a role to, who has a beautiful speaking voice . DH chose one of my bridesmaids who does am dram as he thought she'd be a polished and reliable choice of reader. I had two work friends in attendance as well, as guests.

Our hill to die on was no child bridesmaids as we had a just 3yo on his side and a 5yo on mine and we both thought that were a layer of faff we - and their families - didn't need and my friends and I certainly didn't want two small children foisted on us, even for a short amount of time. I had simply never wanted children involved in my wedding. Neither had DH. We also thought the 3yo wasn't ready for it and it was therefore fairer to have neither than either or and upset one half of the room. The 5yo also had a 3yo brother and we didn't want him possibly then shoe horned in either. We also had a budget. I paid for dresses, alterations, hair and makeup up for my bridal party, as well as accessories and a thank you necklace each. DH hired all the suits and paid for thank you cufflinks. We felt that this was fair as they were abiding by our colour choice and style choices to varying degrees. We would rather have been generous to those we had chosen than spend a single penny on something we begrudged. Are you paying for stuff for the wedding party OP as that immediately limits your numbers as well, if you need an excuse!

Great decision OP.

I hope you have a wonderful day when it comes around!

All names on paper, in a bowl and pick 5 out. Fairest way. You could even tell all the girls you’d like to have as bridesmaids and make a night of it with cocktails etc. I’d take it as a compliment that I was in the running but you’re strapped for budget to have all!
Good Luck!

I can't lie, this would have taken all the fun our of it for me. And I really disagree with your partner, how is asking people to be in your wedding a "favour" i think you should have your closest friends/family. Not people to even it out or to return the favour. Seems odd.

It would make it easier to go with your best friend and then just say family which would give you 5 and a maid of honour. Might avoid people taking offence?

Didn't the formula used to be 1 bridesmaid per 50 guests?

😥 SMDH

@Andue
Who is going to support you most on the wedding day and into life as a married couple?
Thays what bridesmaids should be about in my opinion.

No one actually wants to be a bridesmaid, if that helps. It’s expensive, stressful and you don’t get to choose your own clothes.

Put all names in a hat, pick out 5, good luck

I had something similar when I got married. There were lots of options that we both thought about. My issue was not DH it was the rest of both families. If they had their way, we would have had all the cousins, neices, nephews etc etc! We then decided to go with my choice, my best friend and daughter. It was less stress, less cost. We did have some backlash, but we held our heads high and had a lovely day. It's your wedding, your choice. Tell DH to see it's not a family day it is you're day.

Or have em all!

LoI boy I went to school with had 14 groomsmen and 4 page boys. His partner had same with bridesmaids ect.

Excessive eh

Keep it to family only. Then you have a reason to tell your friends none of them are in the party rather than just 1 or 2.
Your 2 cousins. DH niece and his sister and then your MOH makes it equal.
Or no family and friends only.

My honest opinion. The wedding party is huge! Does DH really need that many?

So your looking for 6...

MOH best friend.

Both cousins
2nd very close friend
Sister and niece.

Work people are just that... in 20years you wanna be looking at photos of work colleagues in your bridal party that you probably won't speak to anymore...

I’m sorry, I think you are being a bit daft about the whole ‘wanting just my closest friends around me’ thing.

You are going to be spending the whole wedding in her company, presumably she will be coming on the Hen Do, and again presumably you can look forward to many more special occasions in her company in the years to come throughout your married life together - Christmas, birthdays, maybe baby showers, Christenings, children’s parties, big anniversaries….is it not better to save yourself the aggro and just have her as a bridesmaid? For the sake of basically 3-5 measly hours of hair and make-up on the morning of your wedding?

Seems like you’re just digging your heels in on a point of principle because you don’t like her, but those few hours without her are not exactly important at the end of the day, certainly not in comparison to family relationships which hopefully will last until the end of your life!

So to be clear I agree with the PP who suggested:

cousins, very close friend, MoH and sister in law. Reading for the 16 year old. Job done!

Unless your families are really wealthy (and this is a stealth bragging post) almost 200 people for a wedding reception with 10-12 adults/bridesmaids plus a group of flower girls seems absolutely ridiculous amount of money. I can't see change from 25 THOUSAND pounds just for that meal/drinks. Plus several thousand for the outfits etc for the people with roles.

Each to their own but I'm horrified someone would consider asking parents to pay this amount of money.

Sister - can she be a witness?
Niece - if heR sister is involved, she needs to be too.

Very close friends and 2 cousins. That will be 4 bridesmaids, 1MOH and a flower girl

I think people are missing the fact that you won’t have your mum there with you OP, so I agree you should have the people you want to support you on the morning of your wedding. Ignore the posters saying that no one else will be interested in the wedding, no-one actually wants to be a bridesmaid etc - they always pop up on the wedding threads on here.

Ditto the fact that you’ve obviously made multiple attempts to get more friendly with your future SIL which have all been rebuffed - I think if you’d included that in your op you might have got different responses.

And I agree with pp that this is a good opportunity to be a bit assertive with your future husband. I like the suggestion of asking the sister to be a witness (we had my stepdad and one of DH’s other friends).

Good luck x

From op’s other updates it sounds like both sets of parents are 100% on board with the plans and are inviting lots of their own guests that op isn’t actually that fussed about…

OP is this actually the wedding you want or are you being swept along with other people’s plans? There’s something in your posts that doesn’t sounds completely happy about it all xxx

Tell them ALL they can be bridesmaid. But they should provide their own white coloured dress. SORTED!!!!!!!!