Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

I would have best friend, 2 cousins, DP sister and niece. Other friends to do the readings.

Pick your closest 4 friends (not your work friends) plus his sister unless you don't like her and your best friend as Maid of Honour.

Unless you are still really close with your cousins, there is no need for them to be bridesmaids. Then you have even numbers as well.

@PeonyAndBlushSuede OP said there is a very big budget as her dad and the in-laws are paying for it all

Only one grand? A bit more I would think and with the groomsmen's outfits will be quite a hole in the budget, all for nicely balanced photos.

Just to add, I don't think it has to be balanced. Last wedding I went to had 5 bridesmaids but only one best man and no groomsmen / ushers. Didn't think anything of it.

I would have you maid of honour, your two cousins, your next very close friend and his sister.

Grooms don’t choose bridemaids.

Looks like it doesn't it?

I've never been much for these Maria von Trapp style crowd scenes, all so carefully coordinated, but as ever each to their own

I only hope all this is what OP genuinely wants, rather than something she feels pushed into

This.

If I needed an extra because of a 'including one person but not another' problem then I'd look to a young male relative as a bridesman. I agree with others that numbers need not match though.

You can have your friends there without them being bridesmaids surely. Mine were. I had the little nieces, nephews and cousins as bridesmaids/pageboys, then my friends came to my house the evening before, and the morning of, then they disappeared to the church.

This is why my wedding was super small.

However, the family still managed to act out.

Elope? And get yourtraditional DP to wake up to the fact he's currently living in tne 21st Century.

Is he traditional at home and is that acceptable?

Best mate MOH
Your cousins, his sister.
Sorted.
You don't have to pick between your other friends. No one can argue with picking family.
It's just one day, and a frock.

I’m sorry OP but this is really baffling.

This should be the happiest day of your life. It shouldn’t be this hard and complicated.

I see from a previous post that budget/costings wont be an issue. So why do you have to have a certain number? Matching the number of bridesmaids to groomsman is just plain daft.

Invite who you want. It’s your bridal party. Not your husbands.

Do what feels right for you. I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times and there were never anyone from the grooms side in the bridal party.

My best friend only had family bridesmaids (from both sides).

But I helped her to dress, did her make-up and organised her (small) hen do. I was with her right up to when she got into the car to the church, and was outside the church to arrange her dress before she went in.

Real friends don't need a fancy dress and a title on your day. Family are not usually so forgiving, and it ripples outwards to parents of family etc. So I'd stick to family for the bridesmaids etc, but have your friends close if you want to.

Don't think of having his sister as a bridesmaid is you being hard done by - it's just a formality which means a lot to him and the wider family and won't have any negative impact on you whatsoever. You can't not have her, he's having your brother, regardless of your closeness with her.

It would be a big snub not to have her so just suck it up, it won't affect you, just tag her on as one more bridesmaid and move on.

So... Should she be part of a chat group, morning preparation, hen do... Or should she be pro-forma bridesmaid, who will be out of the fun and join only at the wedding?

Rubbish! So everyone who gets married has to have their DH’s sister as a bridesmaid whether they get on or not? Many don’t.

Why should she though? Like many brides, she wants to be standing next to bridesmaids she’s close to and have them play a big role in her special day especially since her mum won’t be there .

Some of those people she is close to include family like her cousins but some of them are not - like her best friends. Her cousins are being invited because they’re close to her not simply just because they are “family”.

Why replace best friends or family you’re close with someone who has made little effort to get to know her just to please her partner? I say please her partner because it’s very possible this SIL isn’t even interested in this role so it wouldn’t even be pleasing the SIL!

I think a lot of people on MN don’t have a lot of close friends and relationships outside of their marriage/family, so they struggle with the idea of grasping someone may have multiple friends they want standing next to them on their wedding day.

I don’t know anyone who has had their fiancés sister in the bridal party! And guess what? They get on fine and absolutely no-one was offended.

I’m glad Op has decided not to include the soon to be SIL. And to be frank probably so is she!

I certainly wouldn't say everyone. It's just the size of the bridal party to me, it would seem like a snub. If the bride was just having a MOH and the two cousins then I think it would feel different.

I only had my sisters as MOH and flowergirl but my SIL did my make up.

I'd pick MoHb then 2 cousins, second close friend and his sister. I think if you have 1 less than your husband that's fine

Hi OP

If you want to keep equal numbers and match the Grooms party I’d go for:

MOH
Very Close friend
2 other close friends
2 cousins

Then have the Grooms sister and niece do other roles such as readings or being your witness. I’d be tempted to have his sister but the above makes sense for you.

did he choose his multiple best men?
whole thing is a bonkers waste of money & stress, but I thought choice of bridesmaids was down to the bride?

Maybe have 16yo as chief wrangler of the flower girls,