Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

Just have your maid of honour. It’s about you. You’re sorted. One dress. No bitchy shenanigans over dresses or importance. Less pressure and cost to you. Job done.

So your friends aren’t upset by one of them being left out and in order to avoid a huge wedding party I’d go for your two cousins and his sister.
Close family only. More from your side than his.

I only had a maid of honour that was my closest friend and none of my relatives. I’m wondering now if they thought they should have been part of the wedding party and were upset. No one said anything and I guess since it was 26 years ago, they’ll be over it by now 😆.

This is a good warning!

Just what I would do, I would always put family first. Pretty soon she will be your sister too.

She will not be her sister. She will be her SIL who hasn’t made an effort with her in previous years so why would she after the wedding. Sister indeed!

I'd probably have your MOH, your 2 cousins, his 16y old niece and his sister. Then, aside from MOH, you have 2 from each side.

Definitely don't recommend choosing anyone who you are only friends with because of work. 99% of the time, work friendships (no matter how close) only last for the time you work together plus a few months after. So in 20 years time you could look back at the photos and see 2 bridesmaids who you barely remember being friends with.

For me, my boundaries would be that they have to be people I spend social time with regularly and over 18.

I had to try and organize a hen party once which included a 15 year old bridesmaid and it ruled out so many options…or the logistics of being somewhere that her parent could collect her before we moved onto cocktail making, bars and partying.

I wouldn’t have the sister - I wasn’t a bridesmaid for my sister in law and I had no issue with that whatsoever. They didn’t live close by so I’d maybe met her maybe 10 times before. I went to the hen do and had a great time but ultimately she’s a relative who I like but not a close friend.

So I’d do MoH, 2 cousins and 2 close friends as bridesmaids. Young niece as flower girl, older niece given the option of head flower girl. Sister in law given option of doing a reading. 2 work friends invited to hen and maybe put them in charge of getting the party started on the dance floor after the meal but not bridesmaids.

I’d say this is about the right balance. Choose who YOU want, if it matters that much that his family has a role then he can give them one! Ring bearer, witness, readings. Especially as you’ve tried for years and a strong relationship isn’t there.

If you are having one niece as a flower girl, I think it’s quite harsh and needlessly cruel not to have her older sister as a bridesmaid. Whilst some might be relieved not to be asked, other 16 year olds would be crushed to have their sister asked to be in the wedding party and not them. I can understand you maybe not wanting her around whilst getting ready, but I really can’t see why she couldn’t get ready with the flower girls and maybe even be given the role of helping to supervise them beforehand and during the ceremony.

The obvious answer to me is:
a) do want you want as an independent adult on her wedding day;

The problems are:

• sounds both your families are sponsoring a good chunk (or actually all of it?)
• you already have 'a lot of obligation invites'

So though it's your wedding, it's actually a mix of what you want and what your families expect🤷‍♀️
Conclusion, either you suck it up or put your foot down and deal with any family issues that might arise after

A sister in law is a sister, just in law not in blood.

I’d pick everyone on your list apart from the two mainly work friends.

Not only does the groom's sister not have to be a bridesmaid, traditionally it would not be considered especially appropriate unless you are already close friends. You've tried to be friends with her and she's not that interested. I suspect she's not half as keen on it as her brother!

Bring a bridesmaid is something for close friends and family; it's not just an 'I like you' token or even a way of binding to your new family. They are there to support the bride.

Not having your mother at your wedding is hard, and you should have whoever will be the best support and the best fun when getting ready.

I'd suggest as well as your MOH you ask the other close friend, and two other close friends as you all know each other and go out together, and then your two cousins if you don't want to leave them out, or if cousins are close and you're reluctant to have six then ask them instead of the pair of friends.

The flower girl will probably enjoy being a flower girl. Sixteen year old will not be able to be one of the other and probably better to find her another role. That's your fiancés job!

Also it's a long way away. No rush to make the decision but I would make clear to your DP that it's your choice and beyond the flower girl you're not asking anyone else on his side.

OP, I don't think that you should be coerced into adding his family to your side of the wedding party. If you were already friends, or at least enjoyed one another's company when with the family, then maybe. Including her has "pulling out near the day" written all over it.

I don't usually think this way, or ask this question, but do you find yourself always having to do things his way?

Why on earth would you spend all that money?

Or are you expecting them to pay?

Apparently she needs rock solid emotional support to get through a party.

Yes, this.

OP said their families are mostly paying for it, almost 200 guests and a lot of obligation invites.

That's why, imo, there is all this stress. Cause needs to meet families expectations.

I did this! Saved me so much stress! My two besties don’t get on and it would have been hell.

Edited as I’d misread the op:

OK, I’d say your two cousins and your two close friends, and second very close friend but with your MOH that’s six.

If you’re close to his sister I’d say include her too but if not I don’t see why you should.

Maid of honour and two cousins. No one else.

It never occurred to me to ask DH’s sister to be a bridesmaid (but she did do a reading). I wasn’t a bridesmaid at my brothers’ weddings either and took absolutely no offence. I expected my sister in laws to pick their sisters and / or best friends which is what they did.

He gets to choose his groomsmen, you get to choose your bridesmaids. Its nobody else’s business!

Your bridesmaids are one of the few things on the day that’s just your choice, so have who you truly want to stand by your side as you start your new married life.
your partner has clearly chosen who he wants to stand by his side and it’s a coincidence one of them happens to be your brother (he was picked because he’s a close friend of your partner, not because he’s your brother).
therefore don’t be pressurised into choosing certain people for optics/what others want. It sounds like a lot of other people are already getting their say about various other parts of the wedding - let this be your say!

p.s. it v old fashioned to choose family members for the bridal party because “it’s joining two families together”. Your wedding day is about you and your partner starting a new life together. You should have who is most important to you up there with you!

I think you’ve made it quite clear you don’t want his sister as part of the wedding party. I guess your dh had picked up on the vibe.

You want others to agree with you, so are trying to garner support. You should pick who you want, and own it. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t go down well, but people can react how they want, as you can. once we have made a choice you will feel better, but I guess your dh might be a little hurt and that’s ok too.

fwiw, my sil dangled being in her bridal party, I didn’t want too, between all the fussing and drama I made it clear that it wasn’t for me. Bro was a bit upset with me, but it was far too high expectation for me. Your sil
might feel the same

Have you considered sister in law could be a witness and sign the marriage register. That's what I did with my brother and my sister in law. Kept bridesmaids and ushers to friends.