To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Why shouldn't a 12 year old have a phone? When children are starting high school and possibly walking to school and back by themselves is the best time for them to get a phone so they can contact you if needed or you can contact them

He was utterly selfish and ruined the evening. He needed a bollocking!

It is very hard to get my DD who has OCD out the door on time. Getting ready earlier than needed helps a bit but we still have meltdowns trying to get out the door. It takes SO much patience to be understanding when you have a train to catch at an exact time of a deadline of some kind. If I ‘rush’ her, she is distressed for a long time afterwards which can spoil our days out. I feel sorry for all of you to be honest.

How dare you...you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking it was ok to write any of this.

You're human.

Hopefully he now understands how angry his attitude has made you.

What is he now doing to arm money to refund the ticket value he lost you with his attitude.

And I'd stop chivvying him on. Allow him to be late and face the consequences of that.

Oh for crying out loud. 'Poor kid'... he is clearly a cock sure, obnoxious, know it all. The only thing OP should feel guilty about is clearly letting him push boundaries thus far, and allowing him to think he can rule the roost.

Parents have limits and children need to know them, and the consequences that go with them. I had a child like this, who is now a responsible adult but still prone to lateness. It drives me mad, but I have placed the ball firmly in their court, and if they are late, I just go without them or cancel the appointment. Their stress, not mine. You were not out of order, you did the right thing.

I feel for you. He’s pushing the boundaries and you need to be firm and he needs to learn respect for you and your family. The shouting etc in the car was a blip. Don’t dwell on it because you can’t change it. But you can look to a plan to move forward. When he grows up and gets a job etc, he will need to learn to be on time to get to work and all of other life’s chores, so he needs to learn respect and responsibility. Move forward and formulate a way that he can learn to help you and your family, not hinder.

Well done OP . Your son obviously does need help. Like I said yesterday,you were describing my son. He is now 28 but now we understand him and he has worked out coping mechanisms everything is great and he is a wonderful human being.Xx People saying that you would have noticed when he was younger really don’t understand that when you live and love your child every day the red flags are not that obvious!!!

Please never give kids ‘a taste of their own medicine’ by setting up a treat and then causing them to miss it; that’s emotional manipulation. Also - he’s 12. Kids can be thoroughly obnoxious because kids. Their brains have not finished developing and won’t until their mid 20s. Firm boundaries, sure. Revenge on a child, no.

It sounds like he did it on purpose to ruin everyone’s evening. Wouldn’t have screamed at him because I would have left him at home

PLEASE get your son tested for a genetic condition if he has any other symptoms especially if he grows quite tall suddenly or is taller than expected. He sounds EXACTLY like my son was and eventually I found out it was due to this condition that can affect executive functioning - he literally has no sense of time and is also ADHD/ASD so believes Google maps is more reliable than common sense.

I shouted at him MANY times before we knew the cause of the behaviour. He's an adult now and still talks to us but I bitterly regret not investigating this condition earlier.

Hey you're only human the fact that you feel guilty shows you are a caring mom don't beat yourself up over it x

I wouldn't apologise. What for? He should do the apologising.

Not everything is attributable to a genetic condition. The DC is just bloody-minded and manipulative - and has been allowed to be so. He's just a little sh*t.

Have him assessed for dyslexia/ADD. There is a condition under the ADD umbrella where time means nothing. Kids can’t navigate time and can’t follow it with this condition. My godson has it.
And tell him you need to leave the house an hour before you need to.
BTW not unreasonable z

agree

Hi OP,

from the tone of what you have put you already know it is unreasonable to shout and swear at a 12 year old with no escape. You need to think of better strategies for dealing with his apathy towards being on time. I would just say to him if he isn’t ready for the time specified he isn’t coming. The next event you have could you get a friend or family member to be on standby to watch him incase you need to just go without him? He will soon get the message when he’s being left out. As for school you do have a responsibility to make sure he’s on time but ultimately there is only so much you can do. Let him get the detentions.

if it’s any consolation he will be fine following this one off event. I was routinely shouted and swore at by mother and I turned out okay :)

@Lavatera look up rupture repair cycle. You've all had a bad day. Some things weren't ideal. BUT the repair has happened. You've talked it out and reflected. Explore the issues. Made plans to prevent a similar occurance.

You'll all be OK.

Ah but what if he's not?? He's a 12 year old child, and deserves the benefit of the doubt .

I've just seen your follow up posts. I really feel for you. Your children sound lovely and your son sounds like he might be developing an anxiety disorder/OCD which I wondered about when I read your original post. At least, I suspected there was something going on for him though was not sure what. My DS has DCD with massive organisational issues. They are different to your DC but at 21 he still needs ongoing support. I strongly recommend getting some professional help for him now. Do not delay as these types of problems don't get better on their own. Unfortunately, I have to advise you to go privately as the NHS and CAMHS are totally fucked. They have to prioritise children who are suicidal or in severe distress and will just give you simplistic advice and cook book handouts. I would see a private educational or clinical psychologist specialising in anxiety issues in children. It is worth foregoing all theatre trips etc to get the right help for your child.

...he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.

@Lavatera is there any possibility he could have ADHD?

Some of the posters on here sound far more awful than this 12 year old

Yep. All with perfect children I’m guessing! 🙄

a kid being late is hardly crime of the century