To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Well I’m sure that would constitute a crime and I don’t see how that will help the OP either.

So it is a crime to smack you, but you want it to be permissible to smack kids?

I am anti smacking anyone by the way.

I was going to say to op that at least she hadn’t lashed out. In previous generations many parents gave a “ smack” whether that be the bottom variety or the clip round the ear.
We’ve all moved on from that ( well I had thought so🙄) but I suppose that it may mean parents sometimes shout to get the attention of a child unresponsive to discipline or instruction. It’s not ideal, and a constant atmosphere of shouting is actually abuse; but occasionally I think it’s an improvement on the smacking of previous generations. So there’s that op. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So overall he's a good kid, he just struggles to get organised. You might want to look at why and what will actually work in the future. Like getting things ready the night before/in advance,a clear schedule, no arguing or debating as to why , you are getting ready now because I'm the driver and that's when I'm leaving, some natural consequences of being left behind(I understand why you weren't comfortable doing it in this instance), explaining to him (rather than a rant) that his time is not more important than everyone else's, that his faffing affect and hurts other people and he will lose friends if he keeps messing them about, getting dressed in the morning/way in advance (then he can have his hours of faffing, but at least when it's go,he's ready to go), more natural consequences of going out in whatever state he's in , a consistent routine, alarms on his phone, an agreement (especially now he feels bad) that he does things when you say ,there are plenty more things to try.

You might've done all this already. If you haven't there's no harm in trying as it seems to be a significant issue that you need to tackle(together).

Does anyone remember the days of “ the wooden spoon?” We actually didn’t have one but I knew plenty of families who did. It seems a bit like something out of Grimms Fairy Tales now but it definitely happened. I never saw one being used but lots of people had stories of the time their older brother got it. And schools had canes and straps.

This is almost bringing tears to my eyes. I posted on here thinking he was testing your boundaries as teenagers often do, but I was completely wrong about that.

I am glad you were able to talk thinks through with both your children. It's a shame it had to get to this point before your son was able to tell you what was going on, but I am glad he did.

Following your updates, I think you could both (maybe all) do with some counseling. Your son for learning to deal with his anxiety and you and your son for learning to have open lines of communication. I think being able to address difficulties early will all benefit you.

Thanks for posting the follow ups.

He’s sorry oP. It’s done and over and you’ve all learned something. Life isn’t a neat package but you’ve navigated ok in the end. You clearly all love each other and all know it and actually that’s the big picture bit to get right.

Has anyone upthread said anything about the touching everything in his room? Also the checking. Edited to add I’m not one for Mn thread diagnosis ; makes me eye roll almost every time. But that comment did catch my eye . X

You’re a great mum.

Your DS needs an assessment. ASD manifests in many ways, but OCD is common. As I said before, he also has executive functioning issues. You really need to get him help - it’s already a problem, it will not disappear as he enters his teen years.

Talk to school, GP, and get him help.

In 15-20 years time some poor woman is going to be posting about him complaining about his lack of organisation and always making the family late for events. Hopefully there is still time to get him to change his behaviour, all
you women who have issues with your DP/DH don’t you wish they’d been taught how to behave by their parents?!

Honestly OP I just want to put my arms around you all and give you a hug. What an awful situation and I know how utterly dreadful it makes you feel.

I hope today is a better day.

I know someone who does the touching and also other “ routines” as they call it ( a bit like the checking) and they said they were told it’s classic ocd. It isn’t for me to diagnose on a thread but ocd is something we all claim to have and laugh about ( oh im sooo ocd about it); but in fact true ocd can be quite crippling ( and can be helped)

Parenthood is hard op but you’re doing fine, really.

I don't blame you!

He sounds lovely @Lavatera
I think you both had an off day. You’ve apologised and they’ve both given you big hugs.

I know you’ll still be feeling guilty but please try put this behind you. Why not have a quiet movie night with a whole load of snacks tonight and enjoy some time together.

@Lavatera what lovely children you have. And they have a great Mum.
You sound ace judging by their reaction to your apology and how they treat each other. 💕
Your dd's kindness to her brother
Your ds giving you the money to make up for the price of the tickets.
I hope you do spend some of it on a little treat for all 3 of you - perhaps something like nice ice cream sundaes and return the rest to him.
It does sound like he has OCD.

Sorry OP but I think you're being taken for a fool.

You didn't see any of this touching and checking whilst you followed him round the house begging him to get ready?

He's playing you like a violin, if so.

Sorry but I feel very bad for your son. I've never sworn directly at another person. I've sworn about loads of them, but not to their face. I think a big apology is in order. Just my view.

Next time, yes, don't include him. Let him know that will be the plan going forward.

I thought the same!

I agree. He’s gaslighting to be honest. You would notice this OCD behaviour

This is why I think a neutral third party is needed here to work out what's really going on here.

He's suddenly developed ocd??

How convenient.

It's good he's sorry, he should be.

Kudos to him voluntarily handing his money to pay for the trip he spoiled, however.

Use it to take your DD on a replacement trip and get a babysitter in to look after your DS at home.

OP, I haven't read the whole thread because (37 pages) but I'd have the done the same. Infuriating. No it doesn't make you feel good at all but honestly, sometimes it's what it takes for them to change their selfish behaviour. Sounds like underneath it he's not a bad kid so hopefully he's learnt from this experience!

God love you, definitely more going on there.
The touching everything sounds like a OCD ritual that comforts him for anxiety.
Forgive yourself, you sound like a great mum.
This episode has given you great additional information that hopefully will help you help him.
Best of luck.

This sounds like OCD? Your children sound lovely and you sound, this incident aside, like a wonderful mother.

Put this behind you and move on.

And get him some professional help. Can you visualise a schedule for him, write something out with him, that factors in these OCD type tendencies for now so that he can do it all? Then get him some CBT and keep working on it.

Hi: just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Done similar myself. Because it’s enraging. And possibly designed to get a reaction.
I’ve recently discovered the concept of natural consequences. If my son fails to study despite roughly 1000 hours of nagging, that’s a consequence for him. They will grow into the people they will be, and there are times ( I think) to let that happen.