To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

My daughter is like this, she has an underlying anxiety that makes it difficult to just walk out the house coupled with poor executive functioning that always seems to go hand in hand. It’s infuriating but it’s not her fault. I avoid booking her in for things where possible because I know the drama won’t be worth it

I think I’d have gone without him but that’s easier said than done. What was his reaction when you were late.

Definitely not your finest hour - but hey - you’re human and we’ve all had our crazy moments.

turning to your don - always makes you late - not able to get ready etc - sounds like their is an executive functioning difficulty going on (anything from learning difficulties, SPD dyslexia, dyspraxia, asd, adhd etc) can cause these.

I’d look at getting him assessed by a developmental paediatrician if this is a constant feature in your life .

He deserved it.

Damaged your ‘precious’ boy? No, perhaps gave your (possibly) ‘monstrously entitled selfish nightmare’ adult-to-be a much needed lesson.

Is the show still on? If it’s possible, I would book another two really good tickets for you and DD and take her again. Without him.

@Keepthosenamesgoing I have done similar! I'm not proud of it. It's like an annual breakdown I have!

Erm tbh I’m surprised you haven’t cracked earlier. Thats sounds incredibly frustrating, if it’s habitual just leave him if you can. He can join in when he’s able to be on time.

Why did you take him? He’s 12. He can stay home alone.

And why the hell did you let him just there instead of getting ready? I have a 12 year old and if he has a history of this behaviour then I’d have handed him his clothes and shoes and everything an hour BEFORE we needed to be ready and got him ready. He wouldn’t have had the option of waiting around.

What did he say? Has this had any impact on his attitude or behaviour?

It sounds like you allow him to rule the roost. I can’t believe the back chat and conversation over the time to leave. He didn’t need the details; he didn’t need the start time of the show. That just gave him things to argue with you over. All he should have been told was the time to leave, probably 29 minutes earlier than the real time to account for his behaviour.

I would have just left him at home.

Obviously it's not great but I do feel your pain.

We've missed shows although in my case it was because my ExH couldn't get ready on time.

With theatre shows I often plan to have food before hand and make a day of it so that I know I am in the area a long time before. Years of experience and I know how shit traffic and trains can be.

I would have a look at your life generally - are you overstressed? Peri?

He didn't want to go (clearly)
He's always late for things
He's learned that beyond you shouting at him, there are no consequences.

Talk to him calmly today and point out that at 12 it's quite concerning that he's unable to be on time for things and this has a knock-on effect on other people.

Because it is. And he's like that because it's been facilitated.

Start letting him be late for a few important (to him) things. Then hear him whinge.

I really think that kids should see the consequences of pushing someone too far. The world will not pander and wait for them and selfish and negative behaviour will generally evoke a negative reaction. My DS is very similar and it drives me to distraction. You were off the end of your rope, you're only human give yourself a break. Maybe he's learned something from it.

Interesting / shocking responses. If a woman posted that her DH shouted and swore at her for 20 mins because she was late for a birthday trip, I doubt people would be telling her she deserved it

DS was out of order, but you didn't handle this well

Don’t feel bad, but reflect on it, and make sure it never happens.

Speak to him in a calm moment and let him know how awful his behaviour was and that now for his bday he won’t be getting any sort of treat as he ruined his sisters.
Id also let him know if he ever pulls anything like that again he won’t be invited or allowed to join in on any treats and would be left behind with privileges such as Xbox / WiFi / phone etc removed.

Agree especially re this before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay
So he's right, you're wrong and he'll dictate what everyone does, even if it ruins a treat for someone else. Does he manage to be on time for what he wants to do?

Leave him at home next time.

I’d apologise for swearing but ultimately he does need to understand the consequences of his actions.

Don’t apologise. Because he has to realise he can only push people so far with his selfish actions. He’s lucky it’s his mum and sister.

Before anyone suggests ADHD which they will it’s not likely that causing him to be late due to how he acts. Even with ADHD if someone tells you to get ready and is even physically with you and pointing you in the direction with clothes laid out then he would go and do it, not refuse. People with ADHD don’t point blank refuse to follow instructions nonchalantly when someone is body doubling them and assisting. It’s not like he was left to his own devices so suffered time blindness. The face that he even checked google maps that’s taking the actual piss and almost seems purposeful and calculated.

You need to seriously fly off the handle with this one. Not because of being late but because of the disrespectful attitude that comes with it. He’s a boy now but will soon be a man and we have far too many selfish men in society, don’t let your DS be one of them.

This wasn’t executive functioning going wrong or him unable to process the time and be ready. He literally told his mum that she was wrong and they didn’t need to leave that early so he deliberately got ready late. It was a deliberate choice because he thought she was wrong and he was right.

But because he is 12, he didn’t understand about traffic and getting there early etc. Bur has been allowed to be in charge and got away with this for years by the sound of it, so just didn’t listen.

This is an obnoxious attitude problem, not a ASD diagnosis.

I'm really sorry that you are upset. You are allowed to be angry and you allowed to let him know that he has behaved in a selfish thoughtless way. You are cross with yourself and that's ok too. But try to work past that. You haven't done any long term damage. You have shown some very human anger and frustration and we all do that.
Talk to him today and apologise for losing your rag. (He will learn that that's what's appropriate and that adults can and should apologise). But then he needs to apologise too. To you and his sister. And he needs to tell you what he intends to do to make amends.

I think there's an element of natural consequences here, if he pisses people off with shitty behaviour they will react badly towards him. Agree with PP, don't take him next time.

I don't really blame you for losing it to be honest. I've done the same on a couple of occasions under similar circumstances. We are only human.

Maybe have a talk to him under calmer circumstances about how is behaviour is impacting the rest of the family.

Another fine example where if a man had done this it would called be outright abuse and call the cops/LTB but when a woman does it the response if "your only human lovie"
I think screaming at someone in a locked car for 20 mins is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself for that. However , I can totally see why you would be angry in this situation. You need to talk to him and apologize and find a better way to handle this in future-talk to him and tell him that when he acts like this it has a knock on effect etc and next time it happens you will leave without him.

It happens. Nobody's perfect, and children need to realise this.
Don't apologise to him - maybe just about the swearing. However, he should understand how selfish he was, he's not a little child anymore.
Talk to your daughter about how stressed you were because her treat was important.
Just put it down to experience.

Tbh if anything it will hopefully teach him a lesson. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.. he was selfish and in the wrong.

you snapped.. we all do it. I would speak to him calmly and apologise but he needs to also apologise to you and his sister. I would also be grounding him for the weekend too so he knows there are serious consequences to his actions.

You have to start leaving without him. Give him the time you are leaving and if he is not ready go without him. You are making yourself unwell and spoiling things for dd by allowing him to control the game - stop! Start letting him feel the consequences of his actions by being left behind, he is not a baby.

I’d have been incredibly furious too. Obviously the shouting and swearing isn’t the way to go, but I understand your anger and frustration. He was incredibly and purposely selfish with no thought for his sister or you.
Sit him down and apologise for shouting but also explain how incredibly rude, upsetting, and selfish it was and how he needs to be on time for certain things. He won’t get through life being late for everything.
And next time you arrange something special for Dd or yourself don’t take him unless he begins to change.