To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

This is an interesting article on what's going on in your son's brain right now … and what's up next for your daughter.

It's not only kids who need educating - we have to constantly keep up with how they're changing and developing or we get left behind and are unable to cope when the new version of them kicks in.

https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2020.00075

And yes, OCD can manifest itself in adolescence.

I think your apology and its nice outcomes could be seen as a turning point. The realisation that you all need help. Start with the GP and the school and push for appropriate referrals - it's going to be hard.

https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-In-Children-And-Adolescents-060.aspx

Have you noticed the compulsive checking behaviour before, OP?

I'd say your anger was a good thing, it's brought things to a head. It sounds like anxiety is at the route of your son's problems. If you hadn't reached boiling point, how much longer would he have hidden his struggles.
Your kids sound great they love each other, you've talked and apologised, you've got more info now to move forwards. Don't beat yourself up.

And quite frankly some of the replies above are appalling. What is happening to Mumsnet these days.

@LazyGewlSmacking?? The boy is already the same size as his mother and probably as a young male, stronger. Boys who get slapped become teens who punch back - and men who punch. The point of smacking is torture. To punish or coerce through inflicting pain. We're past that.

@Lavatera does this mean the time keeping will get better ?

Well done OP for owning up to your mistake and speaking to your DC as you did. I had a period of this obsessive OCD checking when I was a teenager. It was other things that I was actually anxious about but that’s how the anxiety displayed itself. I had to sniff the hob to check it was off, watch the carbon monoxide alarm flash to show it was working etc. My mum was brilliant. She would go through all the checks with me, calmly, at my pace and confirm for me that things were off etc. Then after a few weeks she started doing the checks whilst I watched. Then eventually I could go to bed and she would do the checks (properly, she actually did then, she didn’t fob me off. And it took her a quarter of the time it took me). She’d pop into my room to reassure me she’d done them. And then eventually I forgot all about them! I also started Prozac and had counselling. Baby steps and support are what helped me with my anxiety. I remember my mum losing it a couple of times but she always apologised and I appreciated I was a bit bonkers and she was only human! I remember her snapping at me as I panicked about being left alone in hotel once that I was “17 years old and nearly an adult for F’s sake”. I was so shocked and upset but she was dealing with something really hard!

out of interest are you divorced OP? I have a great relationship with my dad but him leaving/ my parents divorce is definitely what caused my anxiety. It was textbook abandonment issues.

"he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive."

"I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc."

"Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes"

"I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down'"

All from your OP.

Doesn't sound like a child spend 2hours having to Check everything. Did he manage to do all that while you were 'tailgating' him?

I call BS, he's lying to you... and you're lapping it up.

You need to get a grip.

I'm not convinced a 10yo would be that aware of how her brother was struggling either.. so either you're full of crap, or you're heavily paraphrasing.

Just having read the OP's posts so apols if people have raised this - classic OCD symptoms.
Being chronically late is how one of DD's friends OCD started to show. My DD also has OCD.
Definitely read up on it and get some help. It's can be really hard for kids to deal with as they just don't understand what's happening to them. But it can improve with the right strategies.
I'm not expert but happy to help if I can.

When I read the initial post I wondered about ADHD - it can be a real barrier to being ready on time even if you know very clearly what time you have to be ready by. Then I read about his need to check things and, as a PP has suggested, OCD and ADHD are strongly correlated, so perhaps this is something to look into? Whether you choose to investigate or not, looking at strategies that help people in similar circumstances may be useful for you and your son.

I would still remove his phone, despite the apology etc. His insistence on knowing better due to the phone would be the reason.

He might have OCD, he might be bullshitting, he might be watching tiktok "are you neurodiverse" videos. Do you check his phone use and the accounts he is following?

Given your updates and the fact you couldn’t contemplate leaving him for 4 hours at 12 it does strongly suggest he has additional needs. Maybe the positive of this is you can start ball rolling with things.

OP, you have said that your DS has form for this (keeping friends waiting, etc), so I think you need to consider the possibility of neurodiversity.

I am dyslexic and dyspraxic, but I didn't get diagnosed until my 30s as I didn't have some of the more classic issues with reading. (Look up "stealth dyslexia" and "twice exceptional" for more info.)

Not having a good concept of the passage time is a feature of dyslexia as well as general issues around organisation.

At 12, I was taking the train 15 miles into the nearest city to go shopping, meet friends and go to the cinema. We didn’t even have mobiles then. How can a 12 year old not stay in his own home for 4 hours? With a phone.

I'd have left him at home. Next time just take your DD.

Sometimes kids need to see the red mist.....

I see a PP mentioned dyslexia - my daughter and I both have a form of dyslexia which doesn't especially impact on our reading and spelling, but effects our processing speed and ability to focus and can make us very slow/poor at basic things like getting dressed on time!

Dd's is much more severe (she also has the positive gifts associated with dyslexia in much greater abundance) and I used to get SO frustrated with the way you would tell her to get dressed about 18 times and could still expect just to find her naked holding a sock, starting into the middle distance.

When she got diagnosed I just decided to stop getting annoyed about it ever. Which has sort of worked. And as she has got older she does make a lot more effort.

I do feel your pain OP. It does strike me tho that you felt quite out of control during your rant - almost like you felt you could NOT reign it in even if you wanted to?

If that happens again, I would consider a few options - could you be menopausal for example? Or suffering from anxiety?

And relax - your kid won't be irreperably damaged by hearing a few swear words. I have always sworn in front of my daughter - she is a massively high academic achiever (especially in English!) and the nicest person I have ever met. She knows all the words, but also knows when it's appropriate to use them.......

juicejuic
Are you familiar with OCD?

Definitely get him checked out for OCD. It can really get in the way of life and be truly problematic, and it sounds as if it already is.

Tbf to the OP she might not have noticed the "checking" behaviours because if her son is anything like me then he would be trying his best not to let on he does it, especially if he's trying go keep the checking to his room.

I've never been diagnosed with OCD but I'm certain I have it and have done since I was a child and I don't think my mum or anyone other than my OH has a clue.

As a child I'd do anything not to get noticed and checking was mostly kept to my room and I'd try to check things when nobody was looking like the cooker knobs or door locks. When I was home alone the checking was extreme because I spent every minute of my life trying to keep it hidden so it was like the need to do it burst out of me because I had free reign to check everything as often as I needed to.

It didn't make me late though because I'm one of those people that needs to be on time or early for everything so I'd factor in "checking time" plus a bit extra incase the need was still there.

I'm not as bad anymore but if I'm stressed or worried then it'll get worse.

Are you familiar with OCD?

Yes - as is clear from my post if you read it properly.

God there are some staggeringly depressing and unpleasant people on this forum

A few posters have suggested he’s lying because they think you’d have noticed the OCD constant checking of things. As someone who had quite significant childhood OCD with a mum who was very present and would think she knew me well, I can confirm that it is quite possible for parents to miss what’s actually going on. Mainly I think cos they’d just not expecting that a child would have OCD and therefore they see what they expect/want to see.

Anyone familiar with OCD knows that OP would have noticed him checking, rechecking, touching things repeatedly and generally preoccupied before leaving the house before now. His description is "classic OCD" yet OP didn't notice any of this quirky behavior as she was hovering over him making sure he was getting ready to go . . .

Not sure if OP is making up that part of the story to garner sympathy for her son or not, but it doesn't add up.

ETA: and yes, I am very familiar with OCD and kids and have a family member who exhibited symptoms from an early age and was diagnosed at 8.

To anyone thinking OCD and rituals don’t apply to children - yes, they do. I had numerous rituals as a child.