To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

From your update it definitely sounds like OCD and anxiety. He needs a therapist. With help help Im sure he will find coping strategies to deal with it, but 12 is really young to deal with a mental health issue like OCD alone. Are there other members of the family who suffer from it? It’s often hereditary

OP, I do a lot of the things that your son does, before leaving the house. I therefore have difficulties leaving the house on time. I often recheck things all the time telling myself, don't do it because you've already checked.

So, I now use my phone calendar to set alerts a week, a day, two hours and one hour, half an our and so on, before appointment/event times, or where I need to be somewhere.

So, maybe get your DS to do the same, and save you having to constantly be telling him he needs to get a move on. It may not work all the time, but may get him to realise that if he needs to do all his checks, he needs to build in more time for them.

And as others have said don't beat yourself up about your outburst. I've had the moment as well, ranting and raving in a car at my DS. But at least as a result your DS has opened up to you about his difficulties. Now you know, it's not all about not being bothered and hopefully, you can put in place helpful strategies.

Ah I am so glad you were able to talk to them both and now have more information that hopefully will help you and your son move forward from this situation. You sound like a lovely mum with great kids.

Please don’t ask a question if you want to answer it yourself. It’s not a rhetorical point.

I would have left him at home

Next time go without him.

Sorry it didn’t work out as you planned.

Go easy on yourself. And kind of agree with a PP’s suggestion to give him a ‘dummy’ time, however could backfire with him taking deadlines even less seriously. Seems like it might only work once.

Curious that he didn’t explain that he knew how long it would take because he checked online🤔

Agree it’s v passive aggressive behaviour (in the absence of ND such as ADHD, etc.)

Can you tell him you need to be somewhere 30 mins before you actually do?
My son is like this he is neurodivergent and has no concept of time at 10. If we need to leave by 8:40 I aim to have him dressed and ready by 8:20 then we usually leave at 8:40

Yes definitely sounds like OCD. Poor boy, it's a horrible condition.

It sounds like you are usually a patient and kind parent and your rant in the car was a one off. It's lovely that your children adore each other. We all make mistakes, the fact that your children were so shocked by you shouting shows that you don't do it often which is a good thing.

Good luck to his future wife.

Um, are you really comparing humans to other mammals when it comes to parenting techniques 😂 I can't tell if you're serious or not

Hi OP , as other PP mentioned it does sound to me as it is OCD and that it may improve with behavioural therapy.

I do wonder if he is time blind as well, given that he has difficulty estimating how long something would take (although in fairness he was trying to check with the phone) and struggles with organising.

I don’t think you have damaged them, otherwise we would all be either in antidepressants or jail.

Nice to see you have cleared the air and raised two beautiful siblings.

I feel sorry for your dd, your son and you both ruined her birthday. You know your son and you should not have planned to take him with you and dd. Even now the whole focus in on poor him.

You haven't damaged him.

He'll know for next time - better not let Mum get to ballistic level.

I think most parents have been there.

Apparently our (mine and brothers) Mum had a melt down and screamed - do you want me to check in to mental hospital? (80s), because that's where I'm going!!!
I don't remember it, brother does.
It might have been the time when she was shouting do you? Do you? Do you?

And I replied - have spinach in your teeth? 🤣 Kissing With Confidence in the charts.

That one earnt me a slap round the face.

Damage has been done, not by her words though, her choice of partners we had to grow up with.

For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but I read all your replies. Has he ever been evaluated for ADHD?

I understand you getting frustrated.
But this is not ok. You are teaching him it's ok to lose your shit and scream for 20 minutes. He will now think less of you as a result. Sorry. But it's true. Being late was nothing compared to the shouting.

Either leave him home and go without him.
Or go and then make the best of it.

It was DD10 birthday. And you should have held it together.

I say this after making this mistake myself. Begging you to look at maybe HRT or counselling or exercise or something to keep calmer.

It will only escalate and he will feel contempt.

Try hard to control yourself.

My DD was and is like that. They think their phone tells them more accurately than you can judge it.

They are idiots. Later 15/16 they will come round.

Now they just think they know it all.

Do not let them wind you up.

Do not lose your cool.

Next time consequences. Keep cool.
Be gracious. But you turn off WiFi for two hours

Remove the phone for an hour.
Something. But you keep calm.

If he apologised. Then it's fine. He knew he was wrong. Still shouting for 20 minutes is too long.

I'd say you are frustrated with other stuff. Work etc.
HRT.

I'm afraid that I find that inexcusable. You lost control and you owe him and your daughter a big apology. You have to regain their trust too and that will take time.

As I read through your posts it was ringing bells with me. I am a terrible time keeper. No matter how hard I try I am never on time, I’m always a few minutes late. I hate this. I’m undiagnosed but I believe I have ADHD. I heard an ADHD expert on the radio talking about the time blindness aspect. The touching sounds like OCD.
https://www.adhdadult.uk/comorbidities/#:~:text=Adults%20normally%20develop%20a%20pretty,coping%20mechanism%20to%20avoid%20anxiety).

He deserved it. Needs to learn his actions have consequences.

By the way your kids sound great. X

OP I think that you should not feel bad.
From what you have described- I fully understand you.

What I do not really understand is you explain him in further posts.
It does sound like a spoiled not respectful kid.

You need to be very careful- and watch him now- did his behaviour change after that situation?
If not - you have a bigger issue than your outburst

Despite what all the horrible people are saying to you, it sounds like you have raised some really great kids.

Your son definitely sounds like he has anxiety or possibly the start of an OCD type of condition. Many people don’t know that OCD is classified as a type of anxiety disorder so a lot of those symptoms are shared.

Please seek help for him. It’s really not his fault and the fact that he has shared this with you is really important. If you can access metacognitive therapy (its similar to CBT but not the same) I can highly recommend it for anxiety.

I would wait until he gets invited somewhere then make him late.
Sometines we don't truly understand things until we experience them.