To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

He sounds very annoying. Not sure he should have a phone at 12 😟

But how old are you? Back in the "dark ages" parents weren't screening kids for mental illness. I'm sure your mom noticed and thought you were quirky and left you to it. As long as you were able to function normally (not be late for things, did fine in school) there wasn't a need to label every behavior (for better or worse).

YABU. You should never swear at your children. And whilst it’s right that he should understand you’re angry, you shouldn’t ever lose control while you’re in charge of your children and especially while you’re driving.

It would have been better to miss the show than subject them to this.

it is clear he has done this many times before, which means it is also clear he is doing this on purpose. start leaving him out and behind and see if that changes anything. telling him how you feel will change nothing. actions only will.

@Lavatera I've done the cheeky/long story short thing and read all of your posts to get to here. I've got tears in my eyes for you all. Yes, it's regrettable, and you feel terrible, but it sounds like you've also had a breakthrough with your son telling you what's going on with him. You read like an overall kind and connected unit, so take heart and know something good came out of it. I'm not dismissing the impact, but sometimes these things happen, and it's what youve done next and what followed after that, that counts.

Stressful evening for you, OP!

I can absolutely understand the sheer frustration with the time thing. DS has always been like this, although he hasn’t made us late, he thinks he knows better regarding journey times! They completely forget about the finer details, traffic, parking issues etc they think they know better!

I have had the same conversation with every single hospital appointment (there’s been many) I’ve had to take him to. Why are we going 40mins early, always the same questions, and it’s always Sod’s Law that when I’ve been with DS, we’ve not really struggled parking, by myself I’ve struggled umpteen times!

You’re only human, you feel shitty, you’ve apologised for shouting and It’s made your DS think long and hard about the consequences of his actions. I’m not sure about the touching of objects thing before he left, I’m sure you would have absolutely noticed this being a pattern? Maybe?

Put it behind you now, you’ve dealt with it extremely well and you’re obviously a great Mum.

I think the advice to go without him is good. I would plan on doing that the next time you have a big event lined up. Either ask a neighbour to keep an eye out on him, or just line up a babysitter to arrive at the time you plan on leaving.
I would also give him another lecture in between times. Explain why it is important to arrive on time (as if he didn’t know already). Tell him all this in a factual non emotive way. Then the next time he does it, don’t get mad. Just leave without him.
YANBU

I strongly suspect being in the car added to your stress levels massively (it would have mine).

You’ve apologised and made up. I think it’s worth thinking about finding ways to let your DS learn the natural consequences of his poor time management while giving him ways to manage it. This includes letting him be late for school or other things. And not to rely on technology for time keeping!

Sounds like someone needs to be left at home with a babysitter from now on.

Forgive yourself! We’ve all done it. He needs to know you are human and have limits. You’re a good parent for the majority of the time, this time you lost it. When I do this I spend some time afterwards talking to my children. I apologize for shouting and explain I should not have lost it but it was just too much. Your reaction was completely understandable in that situation.

I haven’t read all the posts but it sounds like this can be a positive springboard for getting your son some help. What he said he has to do really reminds me of me at his age / the checking and touching stuff…. It’s anxiety / OCD and you definitely need to not ignore this and get him some help. Good luck. You sound like an awesome mum. See this as a positive event that unlocks help for your son.

STOP feeling guilty. Obviously not your usual behaviour but not surprising given the provocation I would say exactly what he needed and next time book a show without him.

In future have someone on stand by to stay with him and if he's not ready at the time you say, he gets left behind and misses our ... every single time ... getting annoyed with him isn't working, he needs to miss out so there are consequences

Sounds like your son has maybe a wee underlying condition like ocd or anxiety that might need to be addressed. Parenting is hard. You've acknowledged what went wrong, apologised for it (not many parents would) and I think you have a good opportunity here to help your son help himself and help you all get where you need to be. Good luck and virtual hugs

My hubby is like your son OP.

It's very frustrating for me as I like to be early for anything.

I give DH an earlier time to work on. For example, our booking is 7.30pm when actually it's 8pm.

My DD is the same as DH 😕

Your human give yourself a break. I’ve done similar, I’m not proud but sometimes we lose it. Personally I would sit him down, apologise for your behaviour and explain how we are all human. Lesson learnt for him hopefully.

Why aren’t you more concerned about the impact on your daughter? It was her birthday treat, she was ready on time and did nothing wrong but had to witness your rage at your son (witnessing abuse is abuse in itself) and her birthday treat was ruined. She’s the one who is owed an apology.

OP I do not want you to feel ashamed at yourself. You cracked. It takes a lot to get that upset by I really do get it. I grew up with parents that were so well known to be late that their friends would invite them to anything an hour earlier than anyone else (one of the DCs blurted that out accidentally) and we were still late. My parents would just laugh, even when we missed flights, trains, performancies etc, and I was always a mortified child. So I am always uber punctual. Less than 10 mins early to me is being late. This has worked to my favour in business and made me a reliable friend.
HOWEVER - I married a wonderful eccentric. He and our DCs do not seem to have any concept of time. So you probably guess what I resort to. Anything I arrange is an hour earlier than it actually is. I don't feel bad about this as it is a white lie that gives me peace of mind and means they get to the event on time without stress from me.
Hope this helps you in the future.

I haven’t read all the posts but yours made me feel he doesn’t have any empathy or awareness of his actions. You said he’s always late, so this isn’t a one off?

If he were mine, I’d book something really special that you know he’d love and let him
understand the consequences when you go sit on the loo for 39 mins and are not ready to go.

He’s old enough to understand consequences. Your tone is very sweet but it sounds like he’s walking over you and your daughter. It’s disrespectful, if he did that in school he’d be in detention. He’s clearly not doing it there, so he’s using this as a tool to control you and the situation. Now you feel bad, you’ll possibly give him a treat..what has he actually learned here?

Have you put in
any consequences for ignoring you earlier?

@juicejuic I echo every syllable. OP's original post seems genuine, but the updates with them hugging each other etc. seems like it was taken from Little Women or the likes 🙄.

Please don’t be too tough on yourself, you’re only human. He sounds a lot like my son and I think I’m quite patient but I do lose it with him sometimes and then feel terrible. I’d always say to friends in the same situation not to feel bad though. We’re a lot tougher on ourselves (and occasionally our kids who are like an extension of ourselves) than we would ever be on anyone else.

To me it sounds like he has Anxiety, OCD and possibly inattentive adhd. I would speak to your GP and see if you can get him referred to a paediatrician. Also I agree with a pp that said to tell him an earlier time that he needs to be ready by, don't tell him what time the show or whatever starts, just say that we need to leave by x time and that should give him more time to get ready and be less stressful for you

I can't help but feel if the post was about 'DH' swearing at kids for 20 mins straight there would be a pile on of replies saying to LTB

Hi OP,

My sister was going through this with her DD. Her DD is mostly well behaved but sometimes ut felt like she purposely took her time when she could see everyone was rushing. My sister couldn't leave her alone either so now she just tells her by be ready 1 or 2 hrs ahead of the actual time they need to leave

I would have had a sweary meltdown long before you did. His behaviour was out of order. You’re only human, don’t feel guilty.

Agree with others who have said don’t take him to things in future.