To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

@Lavatera your dd sounds very emotionally intelligent, she obviously realises he struggles and it sounds like they have a lovely bond . He's obviously struggling and it's good that he's now confided in you and you can get him support .

You feel bad for the screaming and he feels bad for making you all late, you sound like a lovely family who obviously care about each other so don't be too hard on yourself , at least there's a positive here that he has opened up

I always say this age is the hardest ime, I'm on my 3rd 13 year old and resently we had 6 months of being late for school and refusal to go places regardless of how much I helped in the morning to make sure he left on time, it was all due to the school being taken over by a new academy and anxiety about all the new quite frankly ridiculous rules

He's been doing really well the last 6 weeks and we've had no lateness , although he still some times refuses to go other places as a family, it was anxiety based and got to the point where twice when he was 12 he didn't turn up to school and the first I knew about it was a phone call from school at 11 o'clock asking where he was.

Good luck x

@Delphinium20

I was one of those woman who completely lost my shit at DH for being habitually late. His family always excused his behaviour as “just being the way he is” so allowances were always made and he was never pulled up on it. I had several conversations with him about how this behaviour impacted on me but it went in one ear and out the other.

In the early days of our marriage, some 30+ yrs. ago, he was meant to pick me up after I had done the shopping. He assured me he would be on time. I was waiting at the pick up point when the heavens opened up and the most bitter wind I have ever experienced started to blow. I was drenched and so cold. I had never been so cold in my life. My fingers were starting to turn blue, my bones felt so cold, and my face was numb. Even my inner ears were aching with the cold. I had no money for a taxi and the bus service was very erratic. I had no option but to wait in the wind and rain. He was an hour late.
By the time he arrived I was physically a mess.

I totally lost the plot like I had never done in my life before and have never done since. I was absolutely hysterical. I screamed and swore at him all the way home, when we got home and I kept going for ages. I had never been so angry and hurt.

He did change his behaviour and started to make a real effort to manage his time better after that. But, according to some on here, my behaviour would be considered to be abusive and there would be no consideration given to the background leading up to that day.

Oh, and the reason he was so late? He run into an old cobber and thought it would be rude not to have a coffee and a catch up with him.

You were "tailgating" him around and you didn't see any of the checking or touching stuff.

You bent over backwards trying to get him ready on time. But he wants you to help him get ready on time.

And he also argued with you about how long the trip would take.

It sounds to me like he has OCD or possibly anxiety I would look into it. I think shouting at him has made him take notice finally that he is making you all late constantly and that he needs to listen to what your telling him.

And your point is?

His words don't match his actions.

Seriously? Op didn't say she was following him around the whole time .

So you think he's lying? And you think his sister is lying when she said she feels that he really struggles

Oh and lets not forget the boy has apologised for it all

Sorry but your update is rubbish. The more you post the more it's clear that your parenting is passive and you are raising a spoiled brat.
Have you ever told your children off? Is there ever consequences for their behaviour? Fair enough ranting and raving isn't ideal but you're acting like you have committed murder. Sounds like your son needed it. Getting shouted at for shitty behaviour is life. I absolutely agree that constant shouting and swearing at children over small things is not ok but in life if you piss people off they might get angry and shout. In an ideal world everyone would remain calm in times of stress but it's not realistic. You are setting your children up for failure if you don't teach them their actions have consequences and that people won't tolerate their attitude in the real world.
If it was ocd as your son said why have you not witnessed this before? At other times or when you were following him before the theatre? Why has he never said this to you the 100 other occasions he was late? And how does he explain the googling the journey time? Seems like he is making an excuse to get out of trouble.
All this anxiety about damaging your children and treating them like glass and calling them precious is turning them into entitled people who think they know better and have an inflated sense of self worth. Your son is the boss in your house that's clear and you pussy foot around him through fear of upsetting him. Again adult life will be a big shock to your dc. People will upset and hurt them they need to be prepared for that.
I can't believe you have never shouted in 12 years! Ok as I said shouting is not ideal but it's a normal human reaction sometimes.

Someone is lying.

The boy didn't even go upstairs to get ready until it was almost time to leave. So, no, he wasn't late because he spent two hours touching stuff. He doesn't need his mother's help to get ready. She'd been telling him for days, then hours, then minutes, then practical dressed him, and brushed his hair for him. And it doesn't explain his answering back. Telling her to chill because it only takes 37 minutes to get there.

You've been spectacularly nasty throughout this thread. Has OP's son done something to you, do you just hate 12-year-old boys, or what?

The opening post says the child is late for everything, including school. You and your sidekicks seem determined to view this event as the boy deliberately, passive aggressively, spoiling his sister's birthday treat. Now you're adding a layer of emotional manipulation that would be rather impressive in a 12-year-old. None of it fits the facts OP has shared.

Haven’t got time to RTWT. He deserved it.

Yes, I raised my eyebrows a bit at his claim of having to check and touch everything. It doesn't seem to match his attitude to declaring he knew the route time better than his mother, and that she didn't see any of it - now or apparently on any of the many times he's done this.

"Living with OCD can be a daily battle, and the desire to appear “normal” can be overwhelming. This drive to fit in and avoid judgment or stigma can lead individuals with OCD to hide their symptoms."

"Individuals may go to great lengths to hide their symptoms, even when it comes at a cost to their mental health."

https://researchforyou.co.uk/mac-news/the-hidden-struggle-concealing-ocd/

"There's a reason why OCD is classed as 'the secretive disorder' because it is exactly that, and it put a huge strain on our relationship"

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/for-friends-family/

That's so lovely.
You are fine. They both love you.
He has ocd. You can help him now.
What a lovely family you have.
You are so lucky.

Also, yesterday when I got home from being at work all day, I found £50 on my drawers in my bedroom with a note saying 'Dear mum, I'm sorry, love from DS'. It was his £50 Christmas gift money from relatives that he hasn't spent yet, he said to me please take it towards the cost of the theatre tickets.

The relationship you have with your children, and that they have with each other, sounds so tender and loving. You are feeling awful about the shouting because you know it was wrong and it was unusual behaviour for you. And also because you love and care so much for your children. The build up of frustration from a history of your son being late/making you late came to a head and the you had the terrible outburst but it was one incident, it’s not the way you act towards your children day in, day out. Their shocked reaction, to me, is much less concerning than if they saw the shouting as normal parenting and accepted that’s how you are all the time.

When I read your OP, the description of your son taking an age to get ready reminded me strongly of a teen I know. He’s been diagnosed with ASD and anxiety. I think having had the honest conversation with your son (and the fact he opened up to you is to be commended) this can be used as a springboard to seek help for him. You sound like a brilliant family unit and I wish you all the best.

I cross posted with your last post but even more now I feel I want to give you all a big hug!

God there's some really horrible people on this thread

OP it sounds like you have 2 lovely children and yes, it was wrong to lose your shit but it happens, and something good has come out of it. You now know your DS is struggling and it would only have got worse. Start reading up on ADHD/ ASD and see if they resonate with you. OCD is very strongly correlated with both. (My dd has OCD/ADHD). The sooner you get him help the better. My dd has been on the CAHMS waiting list for CBT for the compulsive behaviour for 8 months already and private CBT therapists that work with children are like gold dust with long waiting lists. Good luck

What a sweetheart.

Well done OP. It all sounds like a positive outcome of a horrible situation.

It sounds like you have done a fabulous job raising two wonderful children. The theatre incident was obviously a one off anger wise and a huge shame, but it has brought these checking behaviours to light and now you can find ways to help ds with them. No The lateness wont be fixed overnight but now you know the reason you can start to find strategies to tackle them, perhaps one hour before leaving time remind him to begin his room check? Could he tick off a list on his phone so he doesn’t recheck? Maybe contact cahms as checking behaviours are associated with ocd. I’m glad you have found this out now op, even if it took an unpleasant incident, now he can get help. Heaps of hugs

Well said @foottrouble, I’ve never heard such crap. There’s no way OP wouldn’t have noticed OCD behaviours before. He’s clearly making this up. I can’t believe you’ve never shouted at your children OP, that’s not normal and not good for them. They now think they rule the roost. Your son needs some major discipline, imagine what he’ll be like as an adult.

This is a really great explanation of what happens in the brain when you get triggered like this. It sounds like you are normally emotionally regulated but the combination of circumstances set off your trigger.

drjennybrockis.com/2010/07/18/the-red-mist-what-happens-in-an-angry-brain/#:~:text=Our%20amygdala%20is%20part%20of,hemisphere)%20react%20to%20potential%20threats.

The book "Taming your Gremlin" by Richard David Carson is a teen-friendly introduction to both explaining what happens and managing your emotions which might be worth exploring. I think there is also a YouTube series by the author.

So, what are you going to do to make it up to dd?
As to your son, I agree with pp- he doesn't need to know the arrangements.
"We leave at that time. Be ready." You shouldn't negotiate with him, you're the parent and driver, it's up to you.
Now, I think you should apologise for the shouting but not for the point you were trying to make.

I'm not sure what to make of his claim that he needed to check and touch everything before leaving Vs the OPs original description of events. In any case I think he needs some sort of evaluation of his chronic lateness from a professional to work out what's actually going on and what strategies might help.

How about we start by giving you a smack?