To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

If his dm still brushes his hair at 12 it's easy to see why he holds no responsibility for being ready.

This is spot on!

You should have just left him behind.

Also scenarios like this make me cross that smacking has fallen out of favour. So many awful kids growing into awful adults now and nothing will ever give them pause. Then they'll wonder why they can't form healthy adult connections.

Way to go blaming the OP for the situation. Reading her post, she did everything she reasonably could to get him out of the door on time and yet you still find a way to make it her fault.

He needs to realise the impact his behaviour and attitude have on others in the family - it’s ok that you expressed that anger. Swearing obviously not ideal but it is what it is. He’s not going to be damaged.

Don’t take him next time, it wasn’t for him and he probably wasn’t interested so cba to step up and get ready.
we’ve all lost it with our kids but you now need to repair by explaining why you went off on one and why you won’t be taking him places again for a while.
id have been feeling the same as you, I hate being late and DCs always think they know better.

He wasn't just late.

He deliberately and despite many reminders delayed them leaving the house for long enough that it ruined the experience for the person it was meant for.

If it was a partner doing that, we would all be telling the op to ltb, but because it's a dc that is not an option. Shouting is completely understandable, and something needs to be done to communicate to the dc involved that this is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Otherwise they will grow into the kind of adult that people write ltb about.

I personally think it’s quite strange you’re so focussed on how this has upset and affected your son, who was the reason you were so late, rather than how this completely spoiled a birthday treat for your younger daughter. It’s her I feel terribly sorry for in this situation. A brother who made you so late you missed the start of the show and a mother who screamed and swore and generally lost her shit for an extended period of time.. it’s not great. I totally understand your frustration and your son behaved badly but I’d definitely be looking into ways to avoid getting into such a rage ever again, that’s not ever an acceptable response imo. Lots of good advice throughout the thread. Sorry your night wasn’t what you’d hoped.

If the wife had argued with her husband that he was overestimating the time and then ponced around for over an hour deliberately delaying everything then yes, I'd say she deserved it.

People are human. Human stresses and emotions come into play and not every situation needs a "gentle voice" discussion about rights and wrongs.

OP your "darling DS" was being an arsehole. He's becoming a teenager, and trust me you will have very very many more occasions where he pushesyour buttons. You're only just getting started! Shouting and swearing isn't the worst thing for him.

Bring your DD out for a special day soon just the two of you. I wouldn't be too quick to apologise to him, unless he apologised to you first. Otherwise you're showing him that YOU were in the wrong, not him. And he learns nothing. Leave him behind in future. Bring the WiFi box /games console with you.

Not ideal, but honestly, he made you late and ruined your evening and DD's birthday treat - I'd make him pay for the tickets out of his pocket money tbh.

Well, he always gets away with poor behaviour, doesn't he? So he knows he can play you. Stop chivvying him, and start leaving him behind. When he gets into trouble for being late, and also misses things HE wants to do, then he'll decide to make an effort.

I had one of these at the same age. It's infuriating!

I ended up just leaving him at home. I always felt terrible but he'd had plenty of notice every time.

Even if it is an ASD or other diagnosis he needs to learn the consequences (I would have left him).
I have 2 ND DC and they have learnt the hard way that they miss out on things because of their actions/behaviour
As I tell them regularly, your autism/ADHD makes it harder for you to .... (Whatever) Which means you have to work harder on this than other people. Its tough but true.
Somethings they can't manage and these will mean they miss out but that's life. I'm ND and we have to navigate world differently.

Anyway OP losing it was bad but understandable. With ds1 at that age he became Mr Know it All and I lost it with him a lot because he looked older and was so obstructive. The most effective things would be to forewarn him of events and check he wants to actually go. Remind him a few days before, then give him one reminder the morning before and an hour before, 5 mins to go and then just leave. No following him about the house fuck that. I have left him behind a couple of times. He has learnt.

This isn't that simple.

You lost it (like we've all done so no judgement there). As a good parent you want to fix things so you do need to give a real heartfelt apology to both your kids for your reaction.

Also, though, look at the repeated pattern of lateness. Your son may have a disorder that gives him a different sense of time or he may have no sense of urgency. It may be really hard if not impossible for him to organise himself or think ahead in the way you can. (Or he may be a selfish little gobshite who simply refuses to think about anyone else and that's something you need to figure out...).

Either way, you need to plan a strategy in advance. If he's just refusing to hear your instructions because he knows best, I'd go without him. He'll eventually learn from the consequences (missed evening out, detentions etc.). If his lateness is a symptom of something bigger, you'll need to investigate coping mechanisms and remember that it's not his fault, frustrating though it is for you all.

Is it really feasible to leave a 12 year old home alone for an evening?

20 minutes of shouting and swearing in a locked car, so much so that your daughter was upset and your son had to put his fingers in his ears.

How is that a good response? All he learnt is how to respond in frustration and anger. You're the parent, so parent!

And taken his phone (assuming you have a landline).
Logical consequences. Looks like his phone got him into this problem!
My DS is 12 (but has ADHD) and we have put his clothes and him in the car if he's dragging his feet. Usually he gets dressed by the front door if he sees us say "ok, your clothes are going in the car".

If a man was always making me late things it would be the end of our relationship.

Either way, you need to plan a strategy in advance. If he's just refusing to hear your instructions because he knows best, I'd go without him. He'll eventually learn from the consequences (missed evening out, detentions etc.). If his lateness is a symptom of something bigger, you'll need to investigate coping mechanisms and remember that it's not his fault, frustrating though it is for you all.

I have one like this, and I do what OP did. Give them plenty of notice. Plenty of time checks. 1 hour, 45 minutes, 30 minutes etc. OP did exactly right with him if he has an issue with timings. He just chose to completely ignore her because it wasn't something HE wanted to do.

He's ruined his sister's tenth birthday because he thought that he knew better than you. Does he argue with every adult like this, or is he scathing towards women? The issue with just leaving him, Is that he gets away with doing exactly what he wants. This is why men think that if it isn't about them, they don't have to have anything to do with it and teen boys become more withdrawn from the family. Your DD gets something extra and ge gets punished. Shut down any arguing in the future and give deadlines, or he gets a punishment. You don't appoligise, but he should, to you and his sister. On here Birthdays aren't big deals, but in RL, they are and your tenth was a special one because you are into double figures.

I’d have absolutely livid and would probably have done the same. He might be your darling boy but he was a total dick and ruined dd’s treat deliberately.
I would find something else to do with just dd to make it up to her and next time if he’s a minute late for anything leave him behind.

I'd apologise for swearing but he did need a telling off, this is happening regularly and he's not learning from it, sometimes, as unpleasant as it is, it helps to shout, might hit home how much trouble he's causing.

I don't really think shouting and swearing achieves much to be honest. I'm not into "gentle parenting" or anything but I've genuinely never sworn at DS. Agree that his behaviour is not on though.

If he has form for being late you should have warned him if he wasn't ready whrn you said he should be that you would be leaving him behind. I have a ds that sounds similar regarding lateness and being argumentative, he's bow 13 and getting better.

I have left him behind on many occasions where he's been floating around not getting ready or decided at the last minute he doesn't want to go

He deserved it! Why are you so upset about your son and not your poor DD who’s birthday treat was ruined by her brother who clearly couldn’t care less about anyone else?

When’s his birthday? I’d be having a stern conversation with him today that his actions have consequences and he won’t be having a treat on his birthday this year.