To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Not the best reaction, and you acknowledge this, but I can completely see where it was coming from.

Under normal circumstances I would be recommending you apologise for the way you acted, but I have to say in this set of circumstances I am not sure I would right now. He needs to be apologising to DD.

Going forward, tell him very clearly that was the last time you put up with his selfish behaviour. If he is late again and ruins plans like this, then he will not be included again. You will arrange a baby-sitter and he can stay home.

Does your DS tend to do this when things aren't all about him? It reminds me of adult males who sulk and spoil events when they are not the centre of attention.

If he is chronically like this, no matter the occasion, have you looked for underlying causes - being disorganised/last minute can be a manifestation of various conditions and if you can pinpoint the cause, there might be coping strategies you could use.

Understandable. I’m angry on your behalf just from reading this! I hope he apologised for ruining his sister’s birthday. Next time, just leave him if he’s not ready on time.

How long were you gone for? At 12 I would have said you're not ready were leaving now, bye.

Oh for god sake. If a husband or wife went off at their other half because they deliberately made them late for an important event I'd say the same.

I get the extreme frustration, but I’m not surprised you feel awful about his you handled it - you should.

Imagine being shouted and sworn and raged at for 20 minutes. Horrendous. I hope you apologise to him. Poor kid.

Now you’ve calmed down, you can explain to him the impact his dithering had. Next time, don’t take him.

I did the same with my DTs. They were usually pretty tidy and helpful as teenagers but on this occasion they broke up before me and I came home to a messy house. They didn’t do it again!

Don’t feel bad, he was pissing about and made you late even after all the warnings.

next time he either gets left at home or not included in activities especially if there is a deadline. He has to realise that negative actions have consequences.

my family know if I say I’m leaving at 5pm then at 5pm I’m in the car and off, if they are ready then great , if not, they get left behind. I hate rushing and hate being late.

He needed to be told. You're the mother. You decide the time the family leaves. He doesn't get to tell you that you've overestimated the time etc.

From now on you have to start leaving without him and let him miss out on things. It's not fair that everyone is punished for his attitude.

It does sound awful what happened and I can see why you are upset, feeling that angry is quite scary and it's not a good experience for your your children, also dangerous in traffic. I don't agree with others that you can just leave a 12 year old at home and go, we don't know him or any other circumstances. It sounds infuriating though trying to ensure he's ready for things. I would think there is an underlying reason though not just being difficult for the sake of it. Sounds like hard work OP. No point beating yourself up but it's a wake up call about you planning differently.

I'd have done the same. And I'd have left him at home! He spoilt the whole evening for everyone. Is he even sorry about it??

If I were you, I'd apologise to both children separately. You were out of order and it's unacceptable to shout and swear like that.

I'd then see if there's a way to give your Dad the birthday treat she's missed out on.

Meanwhile, there should be a consequence to your DS for disobeying you, for ruining his sisters treat and wasting your money. A weekend without gaming? He loses pocket money for a week? Chores? Whatever works for your family.

Been there, done that. Don't sweat it.

I'd probably make him pay towards new ones (assuming no additional needs)

I think I would have left him at home.

But I’m pretty surprised so many people describe your reaction as ‘not ideal’. You really really lost control for a prolonged period and it’s not just being late that has ruined your daughter’s experience. Has it really never happened before?

I would be fuming too, to be honest. I'd be interested to know if he pulls these stunts when it's an occasion for him - would he make sure he's ready on time for something he enjoys, or does he just piss about when it's for someone else?

I'd apologise to him for the swearing but follow it up with "in future you'll be left at home if you're not ready on time".

Did he apologise or care that he made you all late?

He's behaved terribly. His sister gets a treat, he is required to be ready to leave at a particular time and he argues, delays and makes the whole experience stressful for everyone including his sister. I struggle to believe that so much messing about including 30 minutes on the loo is anything other than deliberate.

I would be having a stern word with him today, and making very clear that the time by which he is to be ready is a red line, and there will be no negotiation. He can go without shoes and messy hair and needing the loo, frankly.

I think I might well be considering making him pay for another treat for his sister since he went out of his way to ruin this one for her.

If he does this shit again you simply leave without him at the relevant time and he pays you back for his wasted ticket. Make sure you take the router and his phone with you.

I would have left him at home. He ruined it on purpose. He is at the age where he thinks he knows better than anyone.

swearing isn’t ideal and it is terrible that you DD was upset by it all. But I understand your frustration.

All those telling op off, do you have teens/pre teens yourselves?

I would have left him at home. As you did take him you really shouldn't have lost it as that would have added to the awful time your daughter had.

Next time just say when you're going and if he's not ready you just go.

Sounds like he did it on purpose to me. He kind of deserved to be shouted at really.

You haven't damaged him at all and far from being precious he's shown himself to be spoiled and selfish for deliberating sabotaging when you needed to leave. My DP and DD are both terrible at timekeeping and it makes me so stressed. I cannot tell you how many times we've had to run for flights and missed events starting, lost tables at restaurants etc. Sadly, it doesn't make them modify their behaviour. They just don't get it! It's like there's a mental block. Other's people's time should be respected though.

I can feel your stress from here! Your DS sounds a bit like my youngest, who questions EVERYTHING and won't accept that, as the adult, I am in a better position to know whether we have sufficient time to get somewhere. It's the arguing back that I find hard. His brother also keeps us late at times, but he doesn't try to justify it. DS2 has regular medical appointments, for example, which involve a lot of car park queuing, which I need to factor in, and he still argues the toss every single time. Drags his heels. Tells me we weren't late last time. The shouting and swearing isn't great, but it's human. I've done a bit of ranting myself. It's that powerlessness you feel when you can see the inevitable consequences of your child's inaction combined with them insisting they know better.

Never mind your son, he deserved it. The problem is that you upset your dd, whose treat it was supposed to be.

For future cases, I would leave him at home and take your dd.

And do something special with her to make it up to her.

And definitely no treats for him on his birthday. Time for him to grow up. 12 is not a baby and what he did was a pure power play.

Yeah, I have to agree with this to be honest.