To be done with this forum..

[Hardknocks]

I don’t know what’s in the water at the moment but I’ve posted a few times on here in the last few months seeking advice and have received nothing but awful, nasty comments that have really upset me, and I am not a sensitive person. I don’t have a close circle of mum friends, I’m not close to my mum either so this is the only place I can come and voice these concerns or feelings.

Nothing I’ve said has been outrageous or contentious, I mainly ask questions about whether particular aspects of my toddlers behaviour is normal, but I’ve been called a bad mum, entitled, lazy and stupid amongst other worse ones. I know (or thought) I wasn’t any of those things, just a mum to a 2 year old navigating this all for the first time.

This forum has really changed in the last few years and I’m not sure why, but it’s not a very nice place to be anymore. If anyone has any suggestions for other forums please let me know… I could really do with the support.

I've been here about 15 years. It's definitely nastier than it used to be. I think like a lot of places, both on the internet and in public life, it's become a battleground for polarised behaviour, which I see as a kind of social/political development since around the time of Brexit, then Covid, and now just within politics generally. A lot of this has been driven by foreign governments and the seeding of discussion forums with bots and AI, just to get opinion polarised and increasingly verbally violent, and to sow division within communities. I think a lot of OP's aren't real, and that real posters subliminally respond to that (but don't always get it right), and also that a lot of responders aren't real. The goal is just to generate dissent and misunderstanding in previously civilised communities, make society fight itself and increase the likelihood that people will believe bonkers/nasty things and vote in bonkers/nasty ways. I guess we should be flattered that Russia/China et al think Mumsnet is influential enough to be a fertile environment for sowing social discord, but it's a shame, and as OP demonstrates, affects real people in a horrible way.

Hello, delete the screenshots, don’t carry that bitterness with you, and think ‘hurt people hurt people’
Move on and be happy with yourself and your choices.

@Hitchcockshandkerchief must be so relieved to have found forums. I imagine s/he struggles to keep that poisonous mouth in line in real life.

Don't give people like this what they want...

@Hitchcockshandkerchief you’re proving my point. Nobody needs to be called a fucking dimwit, or an idiot to prove your point. People can be spoken to in a human manner if you disagree with their point. Manners really cost nothing.

I’ve been on Mumsnet for years and I’ve noticed a change recently. I think people changed during Covid times and have become more intolerant and rude. I also think there are many people on here who are disingenuous, they are here to stoke up trouble. You can see this on the political threads, on the feminism boards and the relationship board. I have noticed that the relationship board used to be a lovely supportive place but that’s not the case anymore, more often than not there is a pile on the op. As another poster suggested I think there are a lot of men now on Mumsnet and they are here to bring down women and put us back in our place. There are some lovely boards though with lovely supportive people, I’ve been on the Higher Education board recently and on the whole everyone there has been great.
Take care op and don’t let the haters get you down.
As a suggestion Mumsnet maybe a new board would be great for people looking for advise with no judgement.

True. I forget how genuinely sad these people are to want to get their kicks from being a troll. I also believe that poster to be a man, well, boy.

I still find MNs very helpful but have noticed a shift. Some posters are deliberately contrary but I assume they are bored & then some are just mean & I assume they lead small life’s. Why would you waste time being horrible or arguing with a stranger on the internet?

I think the site became a victim of its own ‘nest of vipers’ reputation. It used to say what you needed to hear not what you wanted to hear and be straight talking. Now it’s often just mean.

Ot doesn’t really help that the less easy it is to find or navigate to the other parts of the forum it gets the more people just post in AIBU. And that’s always been risky.

Surely not!

I've used Mumsnet on and off for about 20 years. I feel also like in the last couple of years there are more posters who name-call and are mean. I have posted under different names and on one thread, there were 2-3 ladies that were so insightful and helpful, but another 3-4 who were just like 'you're stupid, of course X is Y, anyone would know that', etc. And it does make you feel deflated and upset. I find it so hard to understand, because the hapless OP has come on here to get different perspectives from other parents, which is so useful! Instead a lot of posters not only give advice but also condemn, as if their way is the only way (opinion polarisation). Also I think there is the risk that more people feel like offloading their own rage and grump on to someone else in an anonymous way. How to solve, no idea except revamp the guidelines or do a funny training module on how to behave like a human being on online forums..

AIBU is a cesspit of nasty people and comments

Although having said that I did just leave a nasty comment for that woman who complained about her nephews misshapen head

I know exactly how you feel.

It’s definitely worse - I think it’s time for MN to give us a block button or an ignore button so that we can just start hiding the nastiest of posters.

There’s often one or two posters on a thread who continue to berate the OP or get into an argument with another poster and post multiple awful things.

Please please change your name sooner rather than later,It’s making me want one soooooo much!😬🤭

Posted too soon, I meant to say I agree with you I can usually spot a winder upper on forums and best ignored.Plain nasty ones need a comeback.

Most threads now has SEN of some sort used for an excuse.
It's ridiculous.
Every thing seems to be abusive now.
He called me a name under his breath ABUSE.
I shouted at my child ABUSE.
Partner working 12 hours not doing enough LTB.
He pays £1000cm it's not enough he's ABUSIVE.
My child is not naughty he /she has SEN.
And one comment that comes up every thread get therapy FFS.
And don't get me started with the code talk.
It's like learning morse code DD dss stbxh Dex and so on.
If he cheated LTB if she cheated MN tells her to keep quiet.
Very two Faced on here.
Most of the threads are over exaggerated.
And some sound like a bunch of drama queens.
And when some don't get the replies they want they bring in the special word BUT I HAVE SEN ADHD DN or something else along the lines.

It has definitely got worse in terms of people immediately being antagonistic and shooting people down. It's more like Twitter now where either people enjoy putting others down or they are actually trolls trying to stir up arguments and stop people feeling supported. It's very insidious and seems to have infiltrated most social media groups. Even my local Facebook page has three blokes who find it fun to say stupid and offensive things about every post and it is breaking down the group. Why do some people just want to break stuff and put others down? I think Mumsnet should have a report button for unnecessary unpleasantness!

I used to be a regular and very rarely come in here these days.
Nice to see that MN hasn´t changed much.

It used to be called a vipers´ nest.

There are always some nasty pps about, but sometimes people get answers that are more than simply support and hugs.
It can also be difficult to assess a situation without being there, or knowing the full picture.
Not knowing what you´re going through, OP, do keep an open mind, but hide threads if they are harming you more than helping.

Ive not been a mumsnet user for more than a few years, but I'd noticed some of what the OP refers to.

I've read some brilliant threads offering amazing advice to women (and sometimes men) who are in difficult circumstances and those posters drawing strength from the community around them. Whether they're in abusive relationships, stuggling with parenting, managing with the cost of living, got difficult bosses/work collegaues or caring for relatives- there's been some really uplifting threads. I remember one where someone was getting ready to leave a particularly abusive partner, moving out to a new home whilst the partner was working. I didnt offer any advice as there was nothing I could add to what was already being said- but my heart was in my mouth all day as I winged silent prayers to heaven that everyting would go ok.

However, when I see a contirbution that punches down on the poster, I think about who might be behind it? Who might be seeking to pull women down rather than lift them up? Who might have an axe to grind with Mumsnet and seek to destroy this community of fantastic vipers.

So when I read a post like the OP describes, I dont think ita another woman. I think its more likely to be someone like a memember of Fathers4Justice (probably still wearing a batman costume) and I give the post the amount of time/thought as I would that person in real life.

Dont let them destroy us.

It is true. There was an organised attack from the outside with reports, screenshots, targeting advertiser's and an organised attack on the inside. I thought it would fizzle out because this is way back in 2017 (If I remember right,) there was a noticeable shift when that lady got smacked about at speakers corner. But who wants to troll a forum long term, like get a life! But it seems to be ongoing.

Women aren't allowed to gather.

Personally I'd suspend name changing for new accounts until they've been here a while. Or suspending name changing for everyone for a bit to get rid of the trolls.

I believe it was a Reddit subforum that a lot of basement dwellers were on so not technically a mens only website. Other people found out and posted about it on here shortly after a large influx of hate.

There’s such a huge mix of everything on MN. It totally depends what mix of posters first see the thread - that sets the tone.

Sometimes it is really punching down on the OP for no reason. You’ll read it and think “what on earth is going on? They’re only asking for advice.”

I will say, sometimes the OP is themselves very mean-spirited in the guise of looking for “advice”. Posts loads of mean, critical, completely identifiable information about a school mum (it’s almost always a school mum!) or their MIL/SIL, of DHs ex. Or sometimes god forbid their step child.

“But she’s so filthy and such a terrible parent, what should I do? Poor old me!” I do abhor those kind of posts, and I think it can be really unfair for the subject of the post, who is being posted about online without their consent. I think posters should be told when they’re behaving badly to someone in real life, especially if they’re posting on AIBU (because why else are they asking?).

Mumsnet has a lot of bullying I found out how nasty teachers can really be on here one night.