To be done with this forum..

[Hardknocks]

I don’t know what’s in the water at the moment but I’ve posted a few times on here in the last few months seeking advice and have received nothing but awful, nasty comments that have really upset me, and I am not a sensitive person. I don’t have a close circle of mum friends, I’m not close to my mum either so this is the only place I can come and voice these concerns or feelings.

Nothing I’ve said has been outrageous or contentious, I mainly ask questions about whether particular aspects of my toddlers behaviour is normal, but I’ve been called a bad mum, entitled, lazy and stupid amongst other worse ones. I know (or thought) I wasn’t any of those things, just a mum to a 2 year old navigating this all for the first time.

This forum has really changed in the last few years and I’m not sure why, but it’s not a very nice place to be anymore. If anyone has any suggestions for other forums please let me know… I could really do with the support.

I get this impression as well. Some posters seem to visit here solely to find someone to pick apart. They should be challenged a lot more.

I feel like this too.
I avoid starting my own thread as I feel like I am walking on egg shells.
Constructive difference of opinions I can deal with, but plain nastiness I can't.
It reminds me of high school bullying.

Banning on that basis is a bad idea. If there really is a mob mentality and posters being led by the first few replies, it would be very easy to abuse a system like that.

There are a lot of sanctimonious/priggish claptrap on here. See the post about the mum getting texts about her teens being late for lessons - people telling her to "do some parenting".

Yeah because teens always do exactly what their parents tell them. And all MNers do perfect "parenting", all the time.

It's best not to ask for advice yourself and just look for similar posts by other people!

OP mumsnet has always been that way. There must be some incredibly sad people who sit at home waiting for new threads to immediately jump on to and berate the initial poster. Just imagine how deeply unhappy they must be though. I find if you ignore the initial negative comments the more reasonable posters come later.

I got piled on once, a few years ago now, and it really upset me especially as it was a subject I had first hand experience of. So much so that I left for a few years then returned under a new name. I have had some minor insults since but it doesn’t affect me anymore as I know there can be some really unpleasant and spiteful people on forums.

Keep hold of the good or kind responses and discard the rest like trash.

I’ve experienced the same when posting here OP so these days I keep it to a minimum.

When my DS was little (a long time ago - he’s 13 nowI used the baby whisperer forums and always found that to be a really supportive place.

No nastiness, everyone was helpful and extremely supportive. I made a couple of friends on there that I’ve kept in contact with over the years. Not sure what it’s like these days, just giving you my experience.

I still find it a useful forum, but of course it is open to everyone in the world and so plenty of weirdos jump in - not to mention people training AI bots.

Best to totally ignore anything nasty and only engage with sensible sympathetic voices. If you can't ignore, then you will be a bit safer on a members-only forum for a particular issue or interest.

I haven’t RTHT but I feel the same.

I have using MN since my first dc was born 19 years ago and have had such wonderful advice over those years.. It used to be full of such lovely people. They are still here but seem to now be swamped under the hoards of nasty, mean-mouth shitheads who would more than likely never say the things they do on MN in RL. Absolute keyboard warriors who must have sad and lonely existences. I feel quite sorry for them, they are lost souls.

I contemplated leaving but just dip in and out these days and am very careful about what I post (because unlike you I am actually very sensitive and have been left broken at times by their words).

Such a shame as it really was a lovely site years ago.

Nah, it's the opposite for me. I've started frequenting it more. Couldn't abide all the 'awwww, hunny, it's not your fault, you're the best!' shit, whether the OP is truly 'the best' or a fucking dimwit. Now at least there will be multiple posters who will come and tell them they're an idiot. And that's fantastic.

Even the 'he didn't wish you goodnight??!!! That's abuse!!! LTB!!!' are disappearing and some posters do point out that it's not ALWAYS the man's fault.

It's getting more normal here. The saccharine 'girl power' types are leaving for greener pastures.

I always wondered, does that really help? If the OP is a hapless dimwit/a shit parent/living with an abomination of a partner and saying 'but he's a fantastic dad', etc and is mollycoddled and pacified here, being told that 'nothing is her fault'; or is fat, but told, noooooo honey, size 22 is NOT fat, it's curvy/bit bigger/big-boned, I bet you have an amazing waist', etc. How exactly does that help anyone?

I'm overweight but I'm also a regular gym goer(some weeks I do 6 days others 4) and ride my bike a lot. I'm probably more active than a lot of thin people who criticise fat people for being slobs and lazy so I ignore all the eat less move more, stop being lazy comments.

IMO ‘flouncers’ is the wrong word to use. It implies someone going off in a sulk for unreasonable reasons.

Not someone who’s been genuinely upset by bitchy/downright deliberately nasty posts.

Sadly, many people are just spouting totally rubbish and the first thing they say is "LTB" etc etc

The same types then attack others for giving sensible advice, EG, are you sure, speak with parents, consider what you want, could it have been a misunderstand, etc, etc

Leave by all means but if you do, they've won IMO

Alternatively - if you want to help others, seek help, or just share opinins/views etc, IGNORE the trouble makers and they will pick on someone else

We are all individuals and we are all different to a t least some extent

Wishing you well and a great future

Just read this having posted my half a pennys worth - I'm glad for you!!

You get both ways.

You get the piles on to say for the 500th time that the OP is terribly UR because of a minor comment in the OP.

But you also get the cheerleaders who take everything the OP says as gospel despite it either clearly being very bias or a troll post.

I find both equally irritating. And I suspect both are equally unhelpful.

I think you always got responses like this though. I remember probably around 15 years ago posting in chat a question I had been mulling over. It was one of those situations where either option had points it was unfair to one of the DC, but there wasn't a way to be completely fair all round. I wasn't really worried about which one we did, but wondered if anyone had other thoughts I hadn't seen. I wrote pretty much that in the op.

I didn't get a single answer to my question, but I got several saying along the lines of "why does it bother you" "why is that even a concern" "if you can't make that sort of decision why are you even a parent"...

What I do notice is, despite the "I spat my tea over the keyboard "/ "woke my DC/dh/mil up laughing" that there aren't the funny ones any more where people just didn't take it seriously and it was done with good humour all round.
You get plenty of people trying, with accidentally-on-purpose "typos", but they're not funny really.

I have noticed this a LOT on here. One person has a go at the OP, and along come a bunch more people, to pile onto the OP. There are quite a few goady and spiteful posters on here, but as a few posters have said, lots of people seem to be really nice and helpful and kind.

If you get off AIBU @Hardknocks people are quite different. A few other boards can get some heated discussions, but for the most part, Mumsnet is not an awful place.

Please don't leave OP, and keep coming here. Many MN-ers are amazing. Just ignore that haters and beraters!

That's not a very nice experience for you. But usually people will get a mixture of responses. Ones that of drive me mad are the ones telling you to leave your partner because of the slightest thing like raising their voice.

I got savaged for asking a very mild question about asking my neighbour to cut back his grape vine. This forum has gone nuts. I think there are more men/press officers/journalists/trolls/ people with far too much time on their hands using it than actual mums looking for support from fellow mums at this point.

My thoughts are posts which are blatantly contentious or contain foul language should be removed. This would make for a far more strict monitoring situation with an updated system that picks up posts that could cause upset. I'm not sure this is possible on a forum of this size although IMO it would certainly help. Due to my work from home situation & days/hours involved I'm usually either invested in a thread a lot or not posting for ages. I have decided not to begin threads for the very reason you've mentioned but I like to help or give my honest opinions in threads I'm interested in.

Most people with toddlers are too busy to spend much time on MN so I wonder if a lot of less pleasant comments come from people without recent experience, and people with time on their hands who boost their own self esteem by belittling others. I also think that many people are far more aware of the possible dangers of posting on an open internet forum, and some of those who are left are perhaps not the best people to seek advice from. If MN responses are harming your own mental health you might be better to use traditional resources like books. 'Toddler taming' was a favourite of mine. And later 'How to talk so kids will listen'. They were written some time ago, but still contain some good advice. I am a bored retiree (hence spending time on MN...) but my personal advice for dealing with toddlers is to feed them regular meals of good healthy food (avoiding processed and too much sugar), avoid too many snacks, interact and play with them a lot, and take them outdoors so they can be as physically active as possible and learn about the world around them (for real, not from TV), avoid too much screen time. And do not expect ever to be able to reason with a toddler, their brains are not ready. It is worth reading about child development.

Yes just screen shots on my phone 😀

Yes I agree, a bunch of trolls use this forum for fun I think. We are not all the same. Sending you hugs 💗

Report them as soon as you see it. I also think everyone should push back.

I get frustrated seeing how someone picks up something completely irrelevant in an OP and jumps on it. I think so many people are just generally miserable and use the internet to anonymously take their frustrations out in others.

OPs sometimes tend to gravitate toward the negative replies instead of the sensible ones. I guess that’s just human nature.

I saw someone in genuine distress bullied until they deleted their account and then the thread was just deleted.

Tone deaf or what?

Thank you everyone, it’s honestly been so lovely reading all of these comments. I have got some great advice on holidays, work, basically anything that doesn’t involve children, but seemingly posting anything relating to them is like a red rag to a bull - I very rarely post in AIBU as I know this is where the angry ones usually lie, but I got a whole lot of stick in parenting too.