To be done with this forum..

[Hardknocks]

I don’t know what’s in the water at the moment but I’ve posted a few times on here in the last few months seeking advice and have received nothing but awful, nasty comments that have really upset me, and I am not a sensitive person. I don’t have a close circle of mum friends, I’m not close to my mum either so this is the only place I can come and voice these concerns or feelings.

Nothing I’ve said has been outrageous or contentious, I mainly ask questions about whether particular aspects of my toddlers behaviour is normal, but I’ve been called a bad mum, entitled, lazy and stupid amongst other worse ones. I know (or thought) I wasn’t any of those things, just a mum to a 2 year old navigating this all for the first time.

This forum has really changed in the last few years and I’m not sure why, but it’s not a very nice place to be anymore. If anyone has any suggestions for other forums please let me know… I could really do with the support.

Mumsnet seemed to get really aggressive over Covid which polarised people and that tone has continued. The furore over VAT in private schools is one example. The hate filled language from both sides around class was/is shocking - you can’t offered a reasoned comment, it’s all vitriol.

Is Mumsnet just a mirror for society when certain groups are othered by politicians and the media and the House of Commons is a bear pit? And this is magnified by the anonymity of the internet where no one has to take responsibility.

I’ve found good advice and support here and I refuse to engage if any one is nasty. My advice on social media - use it but don’t lose it.

I am sorry you have had this.
I used to post to ask for advice about DC. Now days this is the very last place I would ask. MN is fine to just chat. It is a terrible place for advice about your children.

If you have the patience YouTube is littered with stuff like this

There was one bloke who posted a couple of serious sounding threads and posters gave well meaning advice and sent PMs. It was pure boredom.

Then there's tattle and Reddit who have some very strange people who like to troll, get banned and make a come back. Again, no life to speak out outside the internet it seems.

You just have to be alert and don't give too much of yourself I think.

I totally agree OP - i have only posted once and felt the same - some down right nasty responses - I didn't get the support I was after - everything was my fault . it's a real shame

I agree. I often don’t comment on threads because if I reply and someone disagrees,I would get a sarky reply and I am not thick skinned. If people only wrote what they would say in person on social media the world would be a kinder and safer place. Perhaps we should all intercede with a comment like shut up gobby cow to the nasties on mumsnet.

So@Hardknocks

Are you still worried about your toddler? I remember what that feels like. I have a son with autism.

Mumsnet seemed to get really aggressive over Covid which polarised people and that tone has continued. The furore over VAT in private schools is one example. The hate filled language from both sides around class was/is shocking - you can’t offered a reasoned comment, it’s all vitriol.

I found it’s difficult to get a reasoned, nuanced debate on many topics and a lot of posters seem to lack comprehension. I always remember getting ripped apart for stating Trump was popular in certain states so could win. Apparently that fact meant I must be a fan 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you @Ellie56. I definitely still have concerns. There are a lot of flags that make me think she may be on the spectrum, but she has her 2 year check coming up, and I’m going to try and speak to the HV about a potential assessment. I just want the best for her, and to be able to support her if that is the case. Though I know it’s difficult to tell what is ASD and what is ‘normal toddler behaviour’ at this age.

The other sort of pile on I'm not a fan of is where the OP is in a disagreement of some sort but with nuance or shades of grey that's worth discussing but then get a load of "OMG your MIL is such a bitch" or "OMG your DH is such a twat".

I've seen some really nasty comments which while not addressed to the OP is still horrible. Do posters honestly think pages of people saying horrible things about a close family member or friend of the OP is actually helpful?

Some of the posts are uncalled for. I saw a post replying to the OP this week that ended “some friend you are”. Why would you post that?

I suggested something on a thread recently and was slapped down by another poster. I think posters on here just like to big themselves up and try and make others look small. Those posters are twats.

I do think you may need to be more careful about what you post though if negative answers are going to upset and I say that with kindness. I didn’t see your other thread but hope you’re ok now.

I posted here when I was pregnant and I was told that I was a gold digger and that my partner would leave me.

I also had so many reports I lost access to my profile.

It was a group of nasty women who all ganged up on me. I was told I was being a snob wanting to have my baby in a private hospital. I wanted private because mothers and babies die in the public hospitals in my city (they are very dangerous - midwives control the care not obstetricians).

I was told by someone who lived in my country that public hospitals are excellent and I’m being a snob. The person never even lived in my city.

My partner’s friends even told him that I had to go private.

It was so nasty and unnecessary. I was pregnant and told that he was going to leave me! Just awful behaviour.

You really think it’s bots?

I doubt any of the people who were writing nasty things to me in response to my post were from anywhere other than the UK.

They all ganged up on me and told me my partner would leave me when I was pregnant.

@Hardknocks

Yes talking to the HV or GP is a good place to start and if her speech and language is delayed ask for a referral to a a speech & language therapist. From what I hear and read, the waiting lists are horrendously long at the moment.

Better get my tin foil hat on 😅

It’s fast becoming a site for arguments & hate, not women supporting women. It’s becoming extremely unpleasant. Like others say, you post something to make a suggestion or give advice to help someone and you get ripped apart and ridiculed. It’s awful.

The gestapo are always deleting threads, you don't get that on any other boards. You can type reams of advice then the OP decides they shouldnt have asked it or someone takes offence and it goes. Just what's the point!!

I do think that that's made the average poster a bit snarkier. Almost a why bother with a good thoughtful reply when it's going to be deleted anyway?

I recently started a thread of positivity called pure joy to try and counter all the negativity but it had about 3 responses 😂🤣🤣 I guess people are drawn to the bad stuff more & love a good argument!

Haha one appeared last night about how to have a happier day. I'll try and dig it out if it wasnt deleted LOL

Here you go
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5096461-little-things-you-do-daily-that-makes-you-happy?reply=136005900

The other sort of pile on I'm not a fan of is where the OP is in a disagreement of some sort but with nuance or shades of grey that's worth discussing but then get a load of "OMG your MIL is such a bitch" or "OMG your DH is such a twat".

I hate the ones that focus on something not pertinent to the situation & go off eg OP says “DH was late for dinner again”. Cue lots of “we say supper”, blah blah blah.

No, you missed my point. I think there's a lot of bot activity on social media generally, and the point of them is to polarise debate and toxify public discourse, which creates fertile ground for other kinds of social division. Ordinary people being obnoxious to each other is fallout from that.

It's not exactly an original observation and the fact that people are already mocking it kind of proves my point.

I agree. Overall it is cruel, judgemental and not a healthy place for those seeking help.

I wonder how many on this thread have been the ones to say something nasty on other threads.

I’ve been on MN for over 11 years. I think for the last 1” years it’s been getting slowly worse and more aggressive.

When I had my second child 9 years ago I posted asking if the time we had waited in hospital for him to be given important medication was acceptable or if I should say something. Some of the replies were horrendous, calling me a bad mum, a bad person, ignorant and even an abuser for letting my son down. i had only just had my son and was still very fragile. It was awful. And I still think about those comments I got.

I wouldn't have believed you, until I followed one thread with a very click bait title... Something like 'AIBU, I hate my 8 year old daughter' which described behaviour which could have been driven by undiagnosed SEN or perhaps just unruly. The post then made the Sun, word for word, title and all, quoting 3 brief responses which satisfied the reading criteria for the Sun. The Op's brief appearances on the thread did not strike me as at all realistic and I am convinced it was either a spectacularly lazy journalist with very poor morality or AI. The value of the article was nil, just words & click bait. Yet empathetic posters, I'm sure with much better uses for their time, kept the thread going long after AI or the journalist checked out.

The sheer number of threads about VAT on private schools also makes me wonder... Although I can't work out the ultimate agenda, beyond division.