To be done with this forum..

[Hardknocks]

I don’t know what’s in the water at the moment but I’ve posted a few times on here in the last few months seeking advice and have received nothing but awful, nasty comments that have really upset me, and I am not a sensitive person. I don’t have a close circle of mum friends, I’m not close to my mum either so this is the only place I can come and voice these concerns or feelings.

Nothing I’ve said has been outrageous or contentious, I mainly ask questions about whether particular aspects of my toddlers behaviour is normal, but I’ve been called a bad mum, entitled, lazy and stupid amongst other worse ones. I know (or thought) I wasn’t any of those things, just a mum to a 2 year old navigating this all for the first time.

This forum has really changed in the last few years and I’m not sure why, but it’s not a very nice place to be anymore. If anyone has any suggestions for other forums please let me know… I could really do with the support.

I am fairly new to Mumsnet, but there seems to be a few goady, dense people who go against the grain for the sake of it - I don't believe they are 'real' and I think it may be a few posters with multiple accounts.
Add to that the lack of comprehension (I'm not talking about language difficulties, I mean those who do not read the thread, or do not take it in because they have their own agendas) and a thread looking for help, opinions and advice becomes derailed by argumentative idiots.
I own up to being one to call out the 'gentle' the 'goady' and the downright idiotic, when perhaps it would be better to just ignore them.
Go have a rest on the Style and Beauty thread, or dare I say it, Christmas thread, where the people are lovely caring and helpful - it restores your faith.

Agree OP. There are so many ridiculous responses on here…

[Sharon from Putney giving some outlandish advice and unecessarily being rude to the OP] "BLAH BLAH BLAHDEE BLAH" … [me, think] "would you really do that, shazza? Or are you just a keyboard warrior like all the others on here?"

Unfortunately when people can hide behind anonymity their worst selves come out, I can well imagine if it was a Facebook group where their name and profile were visible the comments would be far kinder

Do try parenting groups on Facebook and the like. There’s a lovely one called the village - a parenting community for humans. There’s also a sub group of that for ND parenting (the village ND parenting or similar I can’t remember the name now). My daughter is ASD/ADHD.

I'm autistic op.

I don't talk to many people in real life so I use this a lot.

The amount of times I've asked for advice and felt worse. I darent pick up my phone because if I saw a notification from here I'd have to read it.

Over the past 15 years I've posted about the same worries and on one you wouldn't believe the answers. It took me a year to get it deleted by Mumsnet. They said my husband was a drug dealer, criminal, I was aware of it, he was living a double life, had more kids, had ran someone over and fled the scene, I don't deserve my kids, I shouldn't have had kids, all in one post it was mental. I took screen shots stupidly and 3 years later I'm still upset.

I find that many comments are often in the spirit of ‘being better than’ the person posting, for example the ‘why didn’t you just ask?’ Or ‘are you on treatment for your anxiety?’- it’s horrible and absolutely not helpful. I don’t see why people post those comments it’s literally a waste of their time!!

In my own experience I posted a thread a few days ago about my dog being poorly and any treatments anyone has tried for similar - only one reply was actually a recommendation- all the other replies were (Not nasty but-) mildly condescending saying I should ask my vet.. obviously I had given a huge amount of story and context clearly showing I have spoken to the vet and why I was asking here..

the other thing that I do not understand on MN is the fact anyone who dares admit they earn over 40k cannot ever ever ever have any money issues or complain at all about money! As if life is that black and white… it’s all becoming a bit of a scamble to the bottom..

I'm sorry you've had that response. I think there are a lot of very judgemental people out there but there are also lots of very empathetic people who have navigated these things and are happy to share their wisdom. I tend to look and post on certain boards where people are generally very lovely. i do think there are some anti-women elements on here who try and upset things, and bring women down.

i don’t really use mumsnet for sympathetic advice, I think you have to really weigh up advice from nameless faceless strangers. It’s a good place to ask for opinions or to discuss something though. You get a really good range of opinions which are exactly what people think unfiltered by them not wanting to hurt your feelings. Friends tend to tone down any controversial opinions for the sake of friendship and might not tell you what they really think.

I’ve had some really kind thoughtful responses from people, but there are as many opinions as there are different people. I think if you need a sympathetic ear you have to talk to someone IRL.

A lot of us are kind on here...unless theres a complete dickhead. Theres some horrible people in general , on here or in life, bullies also seem to pile on here once one person has criticized OP. OP dont worry, just dismiss the rudeness as their issue, you get a lot of martyrs on here. Its their issue tbf. It does depend what you post though 😉

If anyone remembers the thread please don't comment about not believing me. I feel sick now just bringing it up.

I think they are men!

Fuck those comments. Delete those screenshots. Theres some on here who want to be cruel, or the martyr brigade. Theres some kind folk on here but like in life, theres some dickheads xxx

I agree OP. I think the tone of MN has changed massively in the last decade. Gone are the funny threads and quick witted posters (probably too afraid to post as they'll get taken to pieces!)
I find you can't ask for advice unless you've behaved perfectly. There's no allowance for human error, flaws or not planning ahead. For example, in the current private school thread, lots of posters are being taken to pieces for not anticipating fee increases alongside CoL increases many many years earlier. Which just seems a bit mad. And multiple other examples of people being critical for not being totally perfect.

How about talking to people in the real world

'Valeriekat · Today 07:41
AstonMartha · Yesterday 21:18

Some people are mean for the sake of being mean. Once one starts others join in.
I think they are men!'

I think you are right, there is something in the tone.

A lot of people not happy in themselves and use an anonymous forum to vent their rage at others. Awful. I’d hazard a guess they wouldn’t dare if we could see their identity. I think it helps to see past their nastiness and see the small, sad person typing away before going back to their unhappy lives. No one happy in themselves would spew hate , so I try to sympathise with them. It’s definitely a skill to master though! 😅

What you're describing is actually typical human behaviour when times are tough. People have been forced into having less and less in life over the past decade or so in the UK and it doesn't tend to make them very giving

Because some people cant voice things to people who are close.. sensitive stuff. Also some are housebound, disabled and cannot get out in person ..some are lonely and have no one. Many reasons why some cannot..

Yes, it’s genuinely embarrassing to read some of these threads and see what I assume to be grown women pile on the OP like a bunch of school bullies.

I’ve found the parenting threads on Tattle to be the most welcoming and helpful, personally. It gets a bad rap because of the gossip pages but it can be a really nice community!

Agree with this.
If you wouldn't say to face in real life dont say it behind a keyboard

I really wouldn't take anything to heart on here, I know its hard sometimes but when you look at lots of different threads it makes you realise how nonsensical much of it is.

There was a thread recently about a woman who deliberately stole money from work and everyone was really kind and supportive to her (which was great). Yet, not too long ago someone posted that their cashier at a supermarket missed scanning an item and she didnt realise until she got home and it was a really long bus journey back for her to have to go back to pay for it so should she just leave it. She got absolutely slated with people telling her she was a despicable thief, morally bankrupt, should be reported to the police, she was the sole cause of the downfall of society etc.

The difference in responses was eye opening and it makes you realise how ludicrous and contradictory this site can be at times and it shouldn't be taken too seriously.

It astounds me that there is rarely a situation so dire that someone can't still come along and give the OP a good kicking. I really do wonder how some posters behave in real life.

I left for a while and came back for the alcohol support threads, which I have to say have been amazing. As a long term poster on there I’ll sometimes ask those posters for advice about my DC but I wouldn’t start my own thread for all the reasons you’ve mentioned.

I recently joined a weight loss thread too and the support has also been amazing. It’s the topic OP. People go crazy to criticise other parenting, more so when SEN is mentioned.

PS I know I sound like a fat alcoholic 😆

I often read threads on here which are quite frankly upsetting because of the way a lot of posters jump in to mock and pour scorn on the worries and concerns of the OP

I agree. There is one at the moment where there has been an absolute pile on to a worried mum.

These threads rapidly turn into Four Yorkshiremen style threads as the posters race to the bottom with their nasty remarks.

I am absolutely shocked to have woken up to these amazing responses. You’ve all genuinely restored my faith in humanity on here. Thank you.