To be done with this forum..

[Hardknocks]

I don’t know what’s in the water at the moment but I’ve posted a few times on here in the last few months seeking advice and have received nothing but awful, nasty comments that have really upset me, and I am not a sensitive person. I don’t have a close circle of mum friends, I’m not close to my mum either so this is the only place I can come and voice these concerns or feelings.

Nothing I’ve said has been outrageous or contentious, I mainly ask questions about whether particular aspects of my toddlers behaviour is normal, but I’ve been called a bad mum, entitled, lazy and stupid amongst other worse ones. I know (or thought) I wasn’t any of those things, just a mum to a 2 year old navigating this all for the first time.

This forum has really changed in the last few years and I’m not sure why, but it’s not a very nice place to be anymore. If anyone has any suggestions for other forums please let me know… I could really do with the support.

I think I remember that 😅 Absolutely bonkers.

I've been here for years and the bullying and goading of OPs has got so much worse. I've felt desperately sorry for some OPs who are just mums looking for advice or reassurance who have been tarred and feathered by the bullies. I would never start a thread now - responses often make you feel worse than you did before you posted, so what's the point?

I've been here years and years. I just don't understand how people are so mean. Genuinely. I'm nowhere near the MN demograph so do often wonder why I read it.

I don't have other social media so it's my only doom scrolling.

The way people can pick apart and twist things to be the posters "fault" - I just don't get it. Feels like school.

I don't know 😔.

The pretence that they're perfect whilst scanning every OP's every word for fault.....

Sorry OP.

Agree there is definitely a lot of "odd" posts who crop up on any thoughtful decent thread.

Seems a mix of:

1. Trolls with a particular agenda who pile in to derail or shout down particular topics.

1. People clearly trying to disrupt the flow of any discussion with strange comments.

1. Attention seekers and weirdos and goady people posting random one-liners and trying to goad genuine posters to pay them attention and reply to them. They just repeat shit like "why" or "explain this". Probably best skimmed over or ignored!

1. There's definitely a move to sabotage any genuine space where people can have constructive informative discussion.

Just put your mental health first and either look for better online spaces (IG or Reddit or Substack can be good) or ignore the weird comments.

I think they do because they haven't got the bottle to talk to people like that in real life, they do it here with impunity, because it's anonymous and they can finally feel some sense of worth in a twisted way and tell themselves they're important. It's very unpleasant.

Yep I agree. On the rare occasions I've posted, I've been called a liar several times. I would never post anything anymore, just a comment here and there. Usually having a go at the nasty troll type people! And I've had my comments deleted for saying so!

Can you imagine speaking to people in real life, the way some people speak to the OPs on here?

Intersting. Is this true? What is it with the blokes lurking on MN? I’m relatively new to this forum but was surprised there are so many men on here. Why?? Are women not allowed a little corner of the internet without men interfering? Are some getting kicks from kicking women when they are down? Or getting kicks from lurking and listening in on womens’ conversations? And is it really true there are men trying to bring MN down?

I only saw your post yesterday and it seemed like good advice. Sometimes you just have to take it with a grain of salt. I've had people make nasty comments to me but I laugh them off. I hope you stay.

Absolutely this!^

I’m sorry that you have had a horrible experience on here op.

One positive thing I have noticed recently is that decent posters are more prepared to call out those who are being gratuitously nasty.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way OP.

Some people are really just horrible, do they forget there's a real person behind the screen or are they just plain nasty in real life too?

If I come across a post where people are being mean to the OP I do try and post something in support just to balance things a bit.

I totally get where you’re coming from.
The unnecessary mean comments often have nothing to do with the topic but it’s like some people just want to be hurtful.
I agree with some pps here who have said they just want to search through threads for faults to pounce on and heaven forbid if you make any kind of grammatical error -there’s always a pedant ready to shoot you down whilst proudly declaring themselves to be pedantic into the bargain.

My sister did this too and he threw the sandwich at her.

Yes, agree with all this.

There is a bullying aspect, and I believe some people enjoy the bullying as an outlet for their stress, forgetting that there are real people on the other side of it.

I also find all the boasting strange, considering it's anonymous. Some of it I think is bullshit, posters making up how how rich they are etc and I just think whhhhyy?? Nobody even knows you are, they can't be impressed by this.

It's hard because it dilutes the decent, measured responses.

I posted for advice about an issue once. One poster picked up on a side detail and wouldn't let it go. It was totally irrelevant to the issue and also not a true representation of the situation, it might even have been completely made up as I changed some details to ensure anonymity. She was barking up the wrong tree entirely but just wouldn't let it go. She was like a dog with a bone and getting more and more aggressive about it, despite my repeatedly saying that was not the issue, not relevant and not correct. I eventually had to just tell her I wouldn't be engaging anymore because I found her so odd and difficult.

I've also posted when I've had a difficult day with the kids, just wanting to vent really, and got bombarded with a load of horrible replies. "Your kids sound horrible, and it's your fault because you're a shit mum" was the general consensus. Other telling me my kids were definitely autistic, others saying they definitely had ADHD. Others saying the only thing wrong with my kids was their lazy mum. Others telling me to "just put them in water!" / "get your wellies on and jump in puddles!" with those patronising exclamation marks.

It's just so tiresome. I've been a mum for quite a few years now. I know when putting them in the bath will work and when it won't. Likewise, walking home nursery and jumping in puddles en route can be great fun. But trying to get a coat and wellies on a screaming, miserable toddler and drag them outside to "jump in puddles!" just isn't going to work.

There can be some excellent advice on here, and some lovely, supportive women, but sometimes you do just get bombarded with shit. It's not just you OP, don't worry.

@Hardknocks hello, I didn't see any of your previous posts, but I have children who are autistic in varying degrees. If you'd like to chat to me please send me a message and if I can help you from any of the experiences I've had with my dc, I'd be happy to tell you what things I've done or implemented to help my family. Or even just a wee chat, don't be feeling sad pal, lots of people use the Internet are total liars, so when we read about the 8 bed detached home, perfect ratio of oxbridge potential dc, and husband who not only works 70 hours a week but also finds time to cook 4 nights, clean on weekends and bathed the toddler and did night feeds every night, you have to be somewhat suspicious 😉

You have some truly amazing Posters on mumsnet, I'm lucky to say I've made some lovely online pals but I've also been dragged horrifically, it's happens.

@gamerchick nailed it. 👌🏻

OP try this gentle parenting for autistic kids group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/207951976411320/?ref=share

It's non judgemental with lots of good advice, and people are kind about giving advice to each other as well as promoting it for their autistic kids.

I cannot stand the bullying aspect on here.

There are people who deliberately take a contrarian view. They word hurtful posts in the most polite, cutting language possible to avoid censure by Mumsnet, but still worded to inflict psychological upset to the OP.

Saying that..

I also think people don't help themselves at all by always posting in AIBU.

These posters often begin their incredibly sensitive post about parenting by saying "posting for traffic"...

Yet the Parenting forum has 25+ active threads, all replied to that day.

AIBU is the section of Mumsnet that has the most 'outsiders' to it, the trolls, the people who are bitter and upset and want to lash out and argue with folk.

Posting your most sensitive question into AIBU when there's a perfectly good alternative, seems unreasonable in itself.

I am not 'victim blaming' here either - it's just factual that why have a forum with over a dozen subsections, when everyone thinks "oh, I'll just post in AIBU to get more traffic", and then get the abuse with it.

I've been flattened in the past for doing that and been insulted and called the "be kind brigade". You really feel for some posters who are obviously upset and emotional and then some posters will kick them when they are down.

MN is getting nastier, but I also think the horrid posts stick out more than the kinder ones. Sometimes OPs will say everyone has been horrible when there has been gentle and sensible advice given as well as the meaner posts.

I think posters on MN have always given direct & honest advice, particularly on the relationships threads which have been really helpful for me over the years. It seems now though that there are some posters who aren’t here to give advice but to be pointlessly nasty in a bullying way.

On AIBU I think you can expect robust responses but when I see it on the relationships threads or others then it is disappointing - and goes against the purpose of MN which is a place for women to discuss & get advice.

It's very unpredictable in my perception. I've seen the exact same topic discussed by different posters and one gets loads of supportive answers and the other gets ripped to shreds. Its really weird, and I often wonder if the first few answers set the tone for how others tend to respond.

I have asked a question before on a very innocent topic and the first few answers were just flat out nasty - really mean spirited and it seemed like people were really enjoying putting the boot in. I waited a few months and asked again and the responses were lovely/supportive so clearly, it wasnt a general opinion on me as a person, it was simply that the first few posters who answered the first time were just very unpleasant people looking to take out their own personal misery on someone else.

My view is that you have to have a thick skin to post on here and you also have to take responsibility for your own well being. So, if people start getting nasty then I leave the thread. I wont stay to read answers just to be told that I'm a shit person because 1. I know it isnt true and 2. what is to be gained by dwelling on such negativity- it's not even answering the question anyway, it's literally just a personal attack so why would I continue to read that miserable garbage? I dont mind being challenged at all- sometimes that can be really helpful but you can absolutely tell the difference between someone challenging what you've said in a constructive manner and simply suggesting an alternative point of view and someone just enjoying personally attacking you.

Boundaries are the key here- you dont have to endure an attack and the great thing is, you get to choose what opinions you allow to enter your head and what you read online so I would say take a break if you need to and remember that when people are flat out mean for no apparent reason, they are the ones having to live inside their own heads - pity them because that must be a hellish miserable existence.

When I read your OP my heart sank for you because I expected a barrage of "clever" comments from the usual toxic suspects; eg
'It's not an airport lounge- you don't have to announce your departure'

'don't let the door bang your arse on your way out'

'just leave then - nobody gives a fuck anyway'

Etc Etc

I am pleased to see you have received some lovely supportive comments and hope you will continue to use this forum and try to ignore the sadsacks that get off on bringing you down 💐

When you're feeling down or overwhelmed with a problem, you don't always feel able to "laugh it off". Having a bunch of posters lay in on you with snarky or judgemental comments just makes you feel even more alone. If the OP could laugh it off, I don't suppose she'd have started this thread!

Flouncers Corner is hateful. No wonder it's underused. It's almost like MNHQ is sponsoring playground bullies to continue sticking the boot in and snarking at them right to their last post and making them feel like shit. I think they should get rid of it.

Who wants to lay themselves open to comments like

Bye then
Close the door on your way out.
Meh, your choice

I didn't see your post @Hardknocks hopefully you can see there are people who empathise and there are normally people to call out bullies and have your back. It's a shame that's needed but it's pot-luck who you get on here I'm afraid! Hope you managed to get some support for your LO

I feel the same OP - I had a thread where a couple of people were unnecessarily really horrible also calling me names - some other people also being rude but less abusive. And even though the majority of people were okay, that affected me for days and days. I couldn’t get it out of my head. My thread was also innocuous.

But sometimes the thread can turn and you know you have lost the battle against the bullying undertones. I asked Mumsnet to delete it but they moved it to 30 days instead so it would eventually disappear.

I don’t start threads any more but sometimes post on other people’s threads.

I remember this.

I have been here a long time, and things have most definitely changed.

What I see is posters trying to outdo each other. It's always happened, but previously it was posters trying to outdo each other with humour. Which makes it a funny thread. Sometimes a bit much but you'de get a laugh out of it.

Now, people are trying to outdo each other with nastiness. The thread can be very normal, then one comes along a bit mean, and then it starts. It will get worse and worse as if each poster is trying to claim top spot for the meanest comment.

And I cannot figure out why.

I'm not sure where it's going to end as it's just downright bullying. And I thought bullying was usually something that got tackled at schools, workplaces etc. Not here though.