To be done with this forum..

[Hardknocks]

I don’t know what’s in the water at the moment but I’ve posted a few times on here in the last few months seeking advice and have received nothing but awful, nasty comments that have really upset me, and I am not a sensitive person. I don’t have a close circle of mum friends, I’m not close to my mum either so this is the only place I can come and voice these concerns or feelings.

Nothing I’ve said has been outrageous or contentious, I mainly ask questions about whether particular aspects of my toddlers behaviour is normal, but I’ve been called a bad mum, entitled, lazy and stupid amongst other worse ones. I know (or thought) I wasn’t any of those things, just a mum to a 2 year old navigating this all for the first time.

This forum has really changed in the last few years and I’m not sure why, but it’s not a very nice place to be anymore. If anyone has any suggestions for other forums please let me know… I could really do with the support.

Some women on here get their kicks from kicking women when they’re down!

I do think it’s since they started sharing posts on Facebook - it’ll drive a lot of people here to register who wouldn’t normally use the site.

I’ve been on mumsnet for about 12 years. I agree - its changed. So many snidy, horrible people out there now. So many nasty comments, particularly if you dare to have a different opinion. I have left (and come back) many times. I’m very close to leaving for good, because I feel the atmosphere is making me quite a bitter and cynical person now.

It really has changed
There's been a few times I've read threads from years ago and the responses were completely different from what they'd probably get now . Someone would get torn to shreds for posting the same thread now who received solidarity and support maybe 10 years ago .

Some of the people on MN are here to be nasty. They love it. Ignore them or leave seems to be the answer.

I’ve been here 20 plus years

people use the “issue” to attack the poster.

eg “you don’t sound very nice /are you always this aggressive ?”

I left for the same reasons and came back
recently. But now I’m terrified to ask for advice again 😂

I’m so sorry op and I completely agree with you. There is a harshness that is very unsettling

There are people on here panicking about everything who seem to want mumsnet users to be some sort of giant crutch and listen to them offloading worries constantly, like a sponge with endless capacity

I'm not sure it helps these posters, its not helping them get less worried going forward or learn how to cope with the feelings.

I think you might do better getting offline and building some RL connections snd support networks OP.

I agree with pp's who say the first few posts set the tone and then you watch the thread to see it take shape - it can take a while for someone with greater compassion and a mind of their own to disagree with the general trend and put their head above the parapet to offer supportive advice.

The lack of understanding around mental health and possibly undiagnosed SEN kids is eye opening. There can be such vitriol and ignorant self righteousness, when the Op is obviously posting from a distressed position and asking for help with a vulnerable young person.

Unless and until people have experienced something along those lines in their own lives, I just think they can't comprehend it - I know I've had many learning curves in my own life and actually Mumsnet was a very useful resource when I discovered it - but I didn't dare post, just trawled all the relevant existing posts and filtered out the better advice.

Unfortunately rudeness seems to have upped since the lockdown in real life too, and I think it has overspilled into sites like this where people release anger here because they think they can get away with it. I have seen a deterioration on these boards, some of the responses to people who start innocuous threads can be jaw dropping. People seem so angry now. We have all had a lot to contend with over the last few years, but one thing we can do as individuals is to try and retain some manners. I have to remember that when I am travelling through a busy part of London when people now seem to feel it is okay to barge into you without saying sorry. I was born in London and I daily visit the centre, but there is a deterioration in the way people interact.

Not sure how we can make manners cool again, that ship has probably sailed, but we can try. I do think Mumsnet needs to step in and stop people who needlessly pick on posters for the laughs, you can tell who wants to start a ruckus from the off. A lot of people have no other avenue to seek instant advice from, shame it gets hijacked by the anti social types.

I’d NEVER come here for advice!

There is definitely a mob mentality on here. I wouldn’t start a thread on anything I actually cared about as I would be far too upset by the responses. There are certain topics that trigger more nastiness than others.

There's a type that love to be nasty for the sake of it. I'm thinking of the ones that pile on with a "I'd have done xyz" when xyz is something so ridiculous that no one would do it, they just say they would to goad the OP.

I do think there's a lot of this too. It seems to have got a lot worse recently.

I have got involved in some arguments with those types but really I think it's best to ignore them and keep replying to the OP as if they don't exist. As you say it's less fun if they're not managing to rile us up. I also think some of them change their names multiple times on the same thread so they can back themselves up!

Been here for years under different names. Was lovely in the beginning. Not so much anymore.

I remember posting about a medical condition (turned out to be epilepsy) and I was absolutely ridiculed and told I was having panic attacks and to stop being dramatic 😅 Was quite smug when I got to come back and give the actual diagnosis. Only good thing about the bloody seizures!

I find it really strange on here at times. There's some really goady posts, there's a couple of threads in Relationships at the moment, one about attractiveness and one about double standards. On the attractiveness one there is definitely a man who is slut shaming any woman who has dared to have a sex life, on the other there is someone blaming men for a woman cheating.

What I do find funny are the Style and Beauty ones where someone posts a lovely dress/outfit and just wants shoes to go with it but they're told it's hideous and are recommended the most hideous unshapely monstrosities. It's like women don't want other women to look nice.

It’s a different place to what it was 20 years ago when I joined. I rarely ask for advice these days. I change my user name often, about every month or so and tend to stick to chat, Tv, books, holidays and style and beauty.

Not enough people on MN seem to remember that scrolling on by is indeed an option. It's as if they're unable to just not comment.

I’d like to see some kind of swipe function for an OP to hide individual spiteful replies.

Also, I was interested in a thread yesterday about a challenging child, as I have a similar situation. But I didn’t dare say anything as some replies to the OP were absolutely vicious and I would have found it hard not to be drawn into argument and justifications. I had no pearls of wisdom to offer though, just an understanding sympathy.

Yes OP you are experiencing what I have heard described as modern day Pharisees - people who look for others to be wrong even if over little things, so they can point it out, often unpleasantly or downright rudely. By pointing out how others are wrong (in their eyes) they appear to be trying to be better than others but fail to see they too get things wrong and aren't perfect.

I would ignore their posts OP, I know it can be hard to read. Just remember they too aren't perfect.

Hide AIBU. The Parenting and SN Chat boards are much more supportive.

Remember you can report comments for being 'Not in the Spirit'. I think that helps your mind dismiss the writer, so you don't dwell on it.

And remember if people were nasty in real life you'd totally discount their opinions- that's a valid response here too.

Glance over the replies and focus on the helpful, positive ones.

Yeah I agree. I think the thing about toddlers is they have different personalities and irrational (to us) behaviour. My eldest is 3 next month and I’ve definitely looked at mums with the expression they may have grown two heads (both on MN and IRL). Sometimes the suggestions are guaranteed a tantrum, so I work out if it’s a battle I need to fight. Also what works one day may not work the next. We’re all making it up. People are only experts on their own children.

I agree MN has changed over the years. The worst bashing I copped on here started with me be light-heartedly snarky about my cousin's wedding. You would've thought I'd issued a Call-To-Arms to kill all small furry animals from the vitriol I received!

Meanwhile it was also the 1st time I'd ever received PMs from other memebers. And they all said "Don't take this to heart" or "Please don't listen to the trolls".

So I like to think the good outweighs the bad.