Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I’m actually on leave today as I shortly need to leave and pick up my son for yet another appointment - this time with the occupational therapist.

In case people wondering why my job is “stressful” and that I should be working right now

That sucks, I can’t believe how the media and political parties have brainwashed us all to think these ever rising house prices were a good thing when it leads to situations like this . Especially as public sector pay has more or less been stagnant since 2010 and salaries in general haven’t kept up with the rising costs of other things .

Make sure you are getting everything that you are entitled to, and that you are engaging with organisations that support people in your position ( I have an ASD girl.. so Autistic Girls Network were great)

Can't believe some of the replies on this thread - stress can literally kill people, OP should absolutely take the time off and while she's off figure out some long term changes if possible, but its extremely difficult for some people to do that when under intense chronic stress! Taking work out of the equation might allow OP the heads pace she needs to make long term plans. I have known multiple people who have refused to go off with stress who have ended up having breakdowns and leaving work entirely or having a year off, rather than a few months.
OP to answer your actual point - you are in a rubbish situation but I would just put stress down and try to get it across to management that it's a temporary state of affairs you are putting in long term plans for, so that you won't get some dick in future going 'hmm but doesn't she have a lot going on at home'

As a senior manager I really hope it's not chickens coming home to roost for you. This is what exactly what sick leave and caring policies are meant to cover and should be accepted and understood by management and your coworkers.

Having issues because of your family situation shouldn't be enough to ruin your career.

The stress caused by moving house or work or general life is in no way comparable to the effects of chronic, long term stress. It’s also very clear from minimising responses like this why the op feels she has to lie about this. It isn’t taken seriously.

Op please go and see your doctor and get signed off. Some time and space may make all the difference. I agree that long term you need to look at your circumstances and try and stop over reaching - do you have siblings who could help your parent for example? But I also understand that it’s not as simple as just getting a part time job or leaving employment altogether when you need to earn a living.

I hope things improve for you soon.

And also, if you have a day or two off every few weeks without a sick note that's a sure fire way off getting managed out due to sickness! A longer term sick note for stress would be preferable by far.

I have been in a similar position, take the time off for anxiety/depression and get it properly documented, a treatment plan etc. work will be supportive but they will expect you to be seeking treatment etc to allow you to return to work, maybe starting with a phased return.

Treatment? for the stresses that come of raising a child with complex needs? what would that be?

It's not that stress isn't taken seriously, and it's not about posters not understanding or sympathising. It's really about poor management in a lot of workplaces, but the bottom line is that someone going off sick means that other people have to pick up their work, and that can only add to their own stress. If a role is stressful to start with, doing the work of colleagues makes things far, far worse. IME it makes no difference if the colleague picking up the slack has stress in their own life - it usually comes under 'any other tasks as deemed appropriate' or similar and they can't refuse.

OP, what would you do if, in your own stressful situation, you were asked to cover for a colleague who is off sick as well as doing your own job, and would get no extra pay for doing it because they need the money?

We (as a society) need to look at this sort of thing, and workplaces should try to mitigate stress for everyone in a fair and equitable way. That might mean that people move in and out of stressful roles at different times in their career, and yes, that might involve pay rising and falling accordingly, but IMO it is wrong to have situations where people can get full pay for 6 months (they always come back before their sick pay drops to half) whilst others do two jobs for no extra money, and their own health suffers. I did it for years, self-medicating and letting my family life suffer, and in the end I burnt out and left. The colleague whose work I constantly picked up was still there, will have accumulated a much bigger pension than I have, and will still have her savings - I spent mine on keeping afloat when I had no salary coming in. If I had gone off sick, some other poor bugger would have had to cover for both of us.

Treatment might not change the situation but it can change your resilience for the situation and how you manage the ups downs and deeper downs of parenting children with additional needa
Medication and counselling can help.

I have just had some counselling through my HV to help me cope with my daughters severe reflux and food allergies. My daughters paediatric referred us back to the HV as I was on my knees. She was waking every 40minutes to an hour every night and after 3 years of broken sleep I was knackered. The stress of continuously pushing for help and support was exhausting. She was under 2 paediatricians trying to come up with a treatment plan to help her. One of the paediatrician recognised that I was at risk of further breakdowns. I had 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit when she was a baby as managing her with my bipolar sent me into a treatment resistant depression. I was getting to the point where if I did get some help and support I would be getting mentally unwell again. Talking to the HV didn't stop my daughter from having reflux, it didn't give me more sleep, it didn't stop me being bipolar. It did give me a space where I was allowed to not have all the answers for 1h a week. A space where I'm was allowed to find it hard, to have found the whole experience traumatic and to wonder how I will ever keep going. I have kept going and the counselling has allowed me to reduce medication. She didn't wave a magic wand and make it go away but having someone to listen and to hold my hand whilst I fought for my daughter. That made the rest of life more manageable

In all seriousness. Please don’t comment on this thread - you clearly have no sympathy for what I’m going through.

You can only self certify for 5 days so to have any longer off op you'd need a gp sick note. Your gp has to write a reason for signing you as unfit for work. I don't think they would lie in your behalf so it will need to be down to stressing afraid.

Some of the posts on this thread are really cruel when the OP is obviously struggling to cope with some very difficult personal circumstances.
OP, please go to your GP and explain how you are feeling. I’m sure they can word the sick note so that it won’t affect your long term career prospects but even if it does your health and sanity are more important.
Good luck. xx

Don’t worry about it. DH was signed off with stress for 3 months from the CS about two years ago. It did him the world of good and he felt strong enough to apply for new jobs in another team. His new line manager had no problem whatsoever with it being stress.

@Marshallscrossing You don't get to tell people like ShyMaryellen not to comment on the thread because you don't think she's being sympathetic enough to you.

You don't have to agree with what she posted. She is simply providing another point of view, that is equally valid to your own.

Thank you @Ohfuckrucksack .

As it goes, I do have sympathy with the OP. It's just that I can't see a shred of evidence that she has given a second thought to anyone else.

There was an identical thread to this a few months ago, are you the same OP? Sorry to see that nothing has changed.

Gosh not me no.

Awful to hear so many people in the same boat ☹️

Ah yes I don’t give a shit about my colleagues do I when they’re part of the reason I haven’t even considered going off with stress until this point. Of COURSE I don’t want to burden them.

But I’m feeling very close to the edge right now and have to worry about my children being motherless while I have a breakdown.

Oh yes and being worried sick that my parent is dying of cancer.

Thanks for the concern, you clearly have it in spades.

I hope you enjoyed kicking someone while they were down

That's great for you but when you combine working with caring, the you often don't have this 1h. I was refused by the counselling service when I was referred as I struggled with work and care (and no childcare and support network) and didn't have anyone to look after my child in order to speak to someone. I would image it is similar if OP with a busy working schedule.

Nor does she need to. Her responsibilities are to herself and her children. Not her colleagues.

If a shit manager has dumped work on you, that's the fault of the shit manager, not the person off sick.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4926897-being-signed-off-work-with-stress

Very similar situation so. Maybe the replies might be helpful to you.

I would start by talking to your GP and your manager anyway

I'm not kicking you @Marshallscrossing . I have said that in an ideal world there should be opportunities for people to take a step back when things get too much, and suggested that you consider dropping your hours so someone else can do your work and get paid for it as part of their contract until you are well enough to go back to the hours you are currently paid for. How is that 'kicking you'?

Pushing your work onto an already stressed colleague is not showing concern for them, though. I do sympathise, but you seem to want all the concern to be one way, and that is what I'm saying. Trying to close down opposing points of view is not a great look when it comes to considering others either.

To be fair other people are not her problem. She has enough going on in her life , besides worrying about other people 🙄